Friday, September 4, 2009

How now, brown cow?

I'm not sure where that saying originated, but it always pops into my head when I don't know what to do next. Lately that happens about 100 times a day.

I won't ask how I'm supposed to put my life back together because, honestly, there isn't much left to put together. I don't mean to downplay how important my friends and family are, but in many ways I feel like everything I've worked toward for the past ten years has been erased or nullified. I mean seriously...I was a wife and mother and now I'm single and childless. WTF?!

So instead of trying to put something back together I think maybe I'm trying to start something new. Sort of. A new beginning with a shitload of baggage!

I guess I can do anything I want. I have a degree, wonderfully supportive people in my life and absolutely no limits. But what should I do? And where will I find the motivation? There are many times I'd like to curl up in my bed and sleep for the next 65 years.

Part of my problem is that the only thing I've ever wanted to do is be a wife and mother...and that didn't go so well. Do I try it again? Who knows what kind of bad things will happen this time? (I'm fully aware that I don't have a very positive attitude, but can you blame me?) Or do I do something totally different.

The only thing I've ever had a passion for besides being a wife and mother is cooking. I looked into going to culinary school a few years ago and said that if I could do it all over again I would do that instead of going to college. Well, I guess I have my chance to do it all over again.

I'm apprehensive about a career in cooking because I believe that whatever I spend the rest of my life doing MUST somehow honor my children. Can cooking do that? Is food important enough? I don't know. I am working on building a playground to memorialize them, which is wonderful, but in addition to preserving their memories I feel I need to do something to change the world in their names. I always thought they were going to change the world, but they didn't have the now it's up to me. (I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic or conceited)

My only immediate plans are to do lots of traveling and stay busy and distracted. I'm hoping my path will unfold as I blindly trudge forward. I guess that's what this blog is truly about. The "what's next" of it all. How does the callapitter become a butterfly? I hope Kate and Peter will help me figure it out.


  1. Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

    Maybe no matter what you do, it's doing it with love that makes the difference and truly honors the love between you and your children...

    Thinking of you lots, Amy. XOXO

  2. Amy,

    Regretfully, although I never met your children, they surely made an indelible mark on the world. I am in awe of all of the loving messages and stories I have read about them over the past several months. Clearly, they touched many, many people and many people are better because of them.

    And though I can't really articulate it the way I want to, I feel like I am parenting my own children better because of this.

    Thinking of you always,

  3. Amy, Truely your kids where invovled in all of your culinary treats. Such as the chocolate chip zuccini muffins, the zuccini choc. chip cookies, animals made out of food, the list would go on. They would be thrilled for you cooking for others as a profession. even if it was a small cafe.

  4. PS
    But I say go for Your own Restaurant! Ill work for you!!!!!

  5. Your kids can still change the world, even though they are no longer on this earth. Think of all the people who are no longer around that still impact others' lives.

    I believe that any career/job can have an impact on others. If this is something you feel passionately about, you should go for it. And I bet once you get into it, you will come up with a way to honor them, whether it is a restaurant, a signature dish, or a cookbook in their names (though, as Erica says, doing something with love pretty much honors your kids).

    I also agree with Jennie; although I may not be parenting my child better because of you (I suck at discipline), I know I am appreciating her and the moments we have more than I would had it not been for what you have gone through.

  6. Kate and Peter both changed this world so much - more in their 6 and 4 years of life than some 70-80 year olds have done. They changed my life, and continue to do so. Kate & Peter are love, they gave love and continue to be love.

  7. Amy,
    I have always been a firm believer that everything happems for a reason. I have had a hard time justifying this lately, but I think that is the only way I can survive in this world with all of the crazy and meaningless things that go on. What I am trying to say is that I believe you will find that reason someday, as impossible as that may seem. Take care.
    -Jenn O.

  8. Amy,
    Following your passions and living life to the fullest is honoring your children. A profession doesn't make you. I understand your need to make your every breath about Kate and Peter, but please understand that the fact that you are putting one foot in front of the other instead of giving up is honoring them. Your strength honors them. Your courage to get up every morning honors them. If it means going to culinary school only to hone your existing talents for personal satisfaction or using that talent as a profession, then do it. If it means falling in love again and having more children, then do it. Kate and Peter would not want you to censor yourself or be chained to the status quo because you are fearful that you will somehow forget their importance in your life if you do something different. They told you that it wasn't your time and you were meant to do something different......they didn't say 'do it for us, mama'. Kate and Peter live on in the hearts of so many people that will never forget them, and if for one moment you feel satisfied, that doesn't mean you have forgotten them either. Open that door when you are ready and walk through it. Peter and Kate will be right with you.

    Love you,

  9. I've just started reading this and cannot stop. Who knows - maybe one day if you do go to culinary school you can open up something kid related - name it after your children - and make all kinds of kiddos happy. I think that would both honor your children and make them extremely proud of their awesome Mom. From the little I've read to this point - you seem exactly the kind of person who can do this!