Every day...

I wish this was some sort of mistake.
I can't believe it.
I miss them from the depths of my being.
I am grateful I spent the time I did with them and know that I am the luckiest mom in the world.
I try to find a way to undo this.
Some small part of me truly believes I can figure out a way to bring them back.
The rest of me knows I can't.
I spend a little time pretending they're just at school or asleep in their beds, because for a few seconds it feels good.
I'm heartbroken all over again when I realize they're not at school or asleep in their beds.
I want to know why them...why me?
I think there must be a reason.
I don't want to do it anymore, but know I have to.
I somehow get out of bed.
I rely on my friends.
I feel in my gut that they're ok and here somewhere.
I have to remember to breathe.
I feel guilty for all the things I did wrong...all the times I was impatient, overcritical, too controlling or wrapped up in my own little world.
I feel guilty for letting them get in that car that day, when Peter wouldn't stop crying. I should have known something was wrong.
I wish I had said goodbye and hugged and kissed them one more time because now I can't.
I think that if I could have somehow known, I would've done everything differently.
I wonder if maybe I did something to cause this or if I'm being punished.
I know I would give absolutely anything to have them back.
I cry.

I over schedule myself, knowing that the faster time goes, the sooner I will be with them.
I try to figure out what my purpose is now.
I wonder if I'll ever have more kids.
I cook because it's the one thing that truly engages me mentally and physically.
I try to be ok.
I am extremely grateful for all the people who support me and pray for me.
I wonder what Kate and Peter would want me to do and if they're watching.
I want to honor their lives and make them proud.

I am feeling the love, lots of it...

So far today's been a pretty good day. I realize it's only noon, but I'm going with it. Maybe it's because it finally stopped raining or maybe it's because I'm over whatever flu-like thing I just had. Maybe it has something to do with it being 9/9/09 or maybe there is no reason. Doesn't really matter. It's good to feel like I can breathe, smile occasionally and have some hope to hang onto.

There are quite a few things I'd like to write about today, but I don't have a lot of time so I'm just going to focus on how writing this blog has affected me. I know I touched on it briefly in my last post, but I have been completely overwhelmed with the love and support of all of you who are reading it, commenting and sending me messages. At a time when it would not be good to feel alone, I realize that I have all of these wonderful people with me all of the time. It's like we're all on this crazy journey together. Thank you all so very much!

It's hard to believe how many people I feel connected to after the passing of my kids. I remember feeling that isolation was, by far, the hardest part of being a stay at home mom, (ok, that and lack of sleep) but now it's like things have come full-circle and my kids have connected me to everyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not glad they passed and would trade everything in a millisecond to be isolated on a deserted island with them forever. But it just goes to show how much they really can have an impact on this world even though they are not physically in it.

It's been incredible to feel supported by friends I haven't seen since high school, friends who've been by my side through thick and thin and people who have never met me or my kids. It's also been wonderful to hear from someone who met my kids but doesn't know me! I'm both encouraged and humbled by the fact that my situation has somehow helped others. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it shows that my kids lives were not lost in vain. My greatest fear is that my kids will be forgotten and you all have shown me that forgetting is not possible. I can't begin to describe the peace that realization brings me.

So once more...I've said it before and I'll surely say it again...thank you, thank you! I know I would not have made it this far without everyone's love and support. And thank you, Kate and Peter, for being who you are and allowing me to be your mom.