Closer than ever...

Lately, I swear, my kids have felt closer than ever. Since I got back from Vermont I feel like they're with me, right next to me, so often - it's been great!

Have you ever been really close to someone physically - like hugging someone, for example - and even though you're touching them, you feel like you can't get close to them? It's like there's an invisible wall separating you from the other person. Maybe I'm just weird, but I have experienced that many times.

Anyway, this is the complete opposite! Physically, my kids aren't here, but they feel extremely close. As close as I've ever been to anyone. Almost like they're a part of me.

This isn't a constant phenomenon, but lately it's happening more often. And I think I may have figured out why.

When I was in Italy, one of my roommates, who's a good friend of mine, explained to me that sometimes she can see or hear spirits. It's not something she can do all the time, but it has happened. A few days into our trip she told me she needed to talk to me, but she was a little nervous I might think what she had to say was crazy. I told her not to worry about that, I've said my fair share of crazy things. This is what she told me, through tears as it was such an intense emotional experience:

She said, "Your kids are here - I know it. I can feel them, but they're afraid to get close to you because they don't want to set you back in your grieving process. They want to be close to you, but they don't want to hurt you."

At the time I did my best to try to understand what she was saying, but I didn't totally get it. Last week I think I finally figured it out: when my kids are close, I feel more sad and emotional than I do when they're further away. It's not that I miss them any less any other time, but when they're close I can feel them and the love between us and I get sad and emotional because I want them back, the way they used to be. So then they back off. Finally, what my friend said to me 9 months ago makes sense!

After figuring this out I "told" them that I want them to stay close to me and I can deal with the sadness. It went something like this, "I know I look really upset when you're near me and I'm crying, but I'm tough and I can handle the sadness. I'd love for you guys to be close to me and I don't want you to think you're making me cry. Really, I don't mind crying if it means I get to be near you guys!"

That "conversation" must have done something because now I feel them a lot more often, no lie.

Yesterday, I was trying to get a bunch of stuff done around my house and I felt Kate with me for most of the day. It's weird how sometimes I feel one or the other of them and sometimes they're both here. I think that's how I know I'm not making this up, because if I was I'd want them both here 24/7.

I was getting ready to go out last night while listening to Kate's Pandora station. I asked Kate if she could maybe "choose" an appropriate song (like she has magical Pandora powers - who knows?) and this is what I got:



I posted the version with the lyrics because, when you really pay attention to what the song is saying, it's is so obvious that this was something from my kids. Immediately when the song started I could feel both of them. I was completely blown away! And it didn't stop there - the music montage continued: the next song was "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" followed by "Best of Both Worlds" then "Hey, Soul Sister" and "Live Like We're Dying". I'm not making this up. Seriously.

They're here. I know it!

brownies, biscotti and ben harper...

Immediately after publishing my last post I went back to baking. Often while I'm in my kitchen I listen to Pandora Internet Radio. For those of you who have never heard of Pandora, I highly recommend it. Just go to www.pandora.com and follow the directions.

You basically create whatever type of radio station you want and the website tailors it to the type of music you like. Type in your favorite artists or songs and it will play that music and other similar types of music. It's free and it's a great way to learn about new artists and hear new songs. You can create as many different "stations" as you want.

I'm really not trying to advertise Pandora, however the technology behind Pandora has helped me in a very meaningful way. After my kids died I created stations for each of them. I typed in all of their favorite songs so I could always listen to and remember what kinds of music they liked. They had very different tastes and were very passionate about music.

Kate loved Miley Cyrus, the Spice Girls, Justin Timberlake, Nina Simone and anything from High School Musical. Peter was into Eminem (I think it was because he associated him with M&Ms), the Soundtrack from Cars, the Soundtrack from Pirates of the Caribbean and the Chipmunks. He also liked High School musical - I think he wanted to be just like Troy.

The coolest thing about Pandora, in my opinion, is that the stations you create seem to evolve over time. As new music is released, it's added to your stations. By creating Kate and Peter's Radio I thought I might be able to keep up on what they think is cool as time goes by. Thanks, Pandora!

Just now, while baking I was listening to Kate's Radio when "Waiting on an Angel" by Ben Harper came on. I've never heard this song before, but it's a good one. Needless to say...there are tears in the biscotti.

A message from Kate?

As I traveled through Italy last month and spent a few days in Florence, I had a couple of interesting experiences in which I felt like my kids might be communicating with me. Here's my description of one of them:

On my first night there my friend, Ken, and I were walking back to our hotel after dinner when we heard this musician performing on the street. He was playing and singing the song "Hallelujah". I'm not sure who originally recorded it, but I'm familiar with the Rufus Wainwright and Kate Voegele versions. My daughter, Kate, and I both loved this song and used to sing along in the car quite often.

So I stopped to listen...I explained to Ken that this was one of the songs Kate loved. Then I started crying. Music is one of those things that always gets me! It doesn't matter how strong I feel or how distracted - one meaningful song and I'm done.

Here's a little snippet of the song. (Sorry the audio/video quality isn't great.)

I was crying pretty hard by the end of the song. It's fabulous to sob in public, let me tell you. At least I was in another country where I don't know anyone.

So when the musician dude was finished singing "Hallelujah" he went right into "Everybody Hurts" by REM. I mean, seriously. What are the chances? "Everybody Hurts" is one of the greatest songs off all time, in my opinion, and could not have been any more descriptive of how I was feeling. And the message of "Everybody Hurts" was so fitting! If you don't know the song and don't feel like following the above link to the video, here are the lyrics:

Everybody Hurts

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


After that song the musician started singing in Italian. After all, we were in Italy. Ken looked at me and said, "I think Kate's trying to tell you something." I think he was right.

My little singer...

A few days ago while I was driving, the new Miley Cyrus song "Party In The U.S.A." came on the radio. I, personally, am not a big Miley fan, but I decided to leave the song on because my kids would have wanted to listen to it. I could just imagine Kate in the backseat saying, "Mama, I like that song...don't change it." We often had a 3-way battle for control of the radio.

I was driving along thinking, 'well, the words are kinda cheesy, but Miley has a decent voice' when I suddenly felt like Kate was sitting in the car with me. You know how you can feel someone in a room with you without seeing or hearing them? It was like that.

As soon as I started thinking about whether or not it was real, the feeling went away so I tried to turn of my brain and just let myself feel it. Was it really Kate? I have absolutely no idea. It may have been wishful thinking. Maybe I was just remembering what it was like when she was in the car singing along. Regardless of whether or not Kate was really there, it felt good; I felt very closely connected to her.

I'm not sure what my purpose is in sharing this story, except that I wanted to share something good instead of always talking about the bad and the ugly. There was so much good in the last 7 years of my life...so many fun and wonderful moments and memories. Truly the only thing worse than losing my kids would be never having them at all. I'm extremely grateful that I got to be their 'mama', even if it was only for a short time.

(Kate is 2 years old in this picture and she's singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I can't tell you how many times we listened to that song...or what I would do to hear her sing it one more time.)