Sunday, July 18, 2010

Closer than ever...

Lately, I swear, my kids have felt closer than ever. Since I got back from Vermont I feel like they're with me, right next to me, so often - it's been great!

Have you ever been really close to someone physically - like hugging someone, for example - and even though you're touching them, you feel like you can't get close to them? It's like there's an invisible wall separating you from the other person. Maybe I'm just weird, but I have experienced that many times.

Anyway, this is the complete opposite! Physically, my kids aren't here, but they feel extremely close. As close as I've ever been to anyone. Almost like they're a part of me.

This isn't a constant phenomenon, but lately it's happening more often. And I think I may have figured out why.

When I was in Italy, one of my roommates, who's a good friend of mine, explained to me that sometimes she can see or hear spirits. It's not something she can do all the time, but it has happened. A few days into our trip she told me she needed to talk to me, but she was a little nervous I might think what she had to say was crazy. I told her not to worry about that, I've said my fair share of crazy things. This is what she told me, through tears as it was such an intense emotional experience:

She said, "Your kids are here - I know it. I can feel them, but they're afraid to get close to you because they don't want to set you back in your grieving process. They want to be close to you, but they don't want to hurt you."

At the time I did my best to try to understand what she was saying, but I didn't totally get it. Last week I think I finally figured it out: when my kids are close, I feel more sad and emotional than I do when they're further away. It's not that I miss them any less any other time, but when they're close I can feel them and the love between us and I get sad and emotional because I want them back, the way they used to be. So then they back off. Finally, what my friend said to me 9 months ago makes sense!

After figuring this out I "told" them that I want them to stay close to me and I can deal with the sadness. It went something like this, "I know I look really upset when you're near me and I'm crying, but I'm tough and I can handle the sadness. I'd love for you guys to be close to me and I don't want you to think you're making me cry. Really, I don't mind crying if it means I get to be near you guys!"

That "conversation" must have done something because now I feel them a lot more often, no lie.

Yesterday, I was trying to get a bunch of stuff done around my house and I felt Kate with me for most of the day. It's weird how sometimes I feel one or the other of them and sometimes they're both here. I think that's how I know I'm not making this up, because if I was I'd want them both here 24/7.

I was getting ready to go out last night while listening to Kate's Pandora station. I asked Kate if she could maybe "choose" an appropriate song (like she has magical Pandora powers - who knows?) and this is what I got:

I posted the version with the lyrics because, when you really pay attention to what the song is saying, it's is so obvious that this was something from my kids. Immediately when the song started I could feel both of them. I was completely blown away! And it didn't stop there - the music montage continued: the next song was "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" followed by "Best of Both Worlds" then "Hey, Soul Sister" and "Live Like We're Dying". I'm not making this up. Seriously.

They're here. I know it!


  1. I love to hear this, and I love how they are here and you are able to feel them and be with them!! Amy, this is so wonderful, and I'm so happy for you!

  2. wow. that is beautiful. have heard that song 100 times and now I will always think of your kids when I do. i think i speak for many when I say it is great to see you move through this terrible process and be able to start to enjoy life. congrats on the engagement.

  3. That is so awesome to have them so close! What a gift that is.

  4. I am happy for you. I think many people never get to experience this because even though they may want to feel or see those they have loved, they are just not open to it. I am glad you are and I hope your kids keep coming to you. And the whole song thing? Amazingly wonderful.

  5. I know you're right about this. I know they're with you. My Dad was the only person in my immediate family who truly unconditionally loved me. When I lost him, I lost everything for a bit - family holidays, love from that side of my family for my kids, any connection to my childhood, etc. I often ask him to be near, but... when I do, I do get weepier, more emotional - just like you said. I know they are with you. I know you'll feel their love for the rest of your life. And... this is an exciting time for you with the engagement, culinary school, the treehouse. You will probably feel them with you a lot during this time. Thanks for the song :-).

  6. You are amazing!!!!!

  7. I'm so happy you've had this amazing communication breakthrough/connection with your kids. It's simply wonderful and I'm so glad.

  8. I'm sooo happy for you that you are feeling them and that they are responding to you sooo much! It is really wonderful and beautiful and sad and full of love all at the same time...and I think it's pretty damn amazing that you allow yourself to feel it all. Man, you are a ROCKSTAR! Love you and hope to see you or hang out in some way sometime relatively soon : )

  9. I think the kids are now advanced in the next world where we will all join someday...they are so more advanvced than us here, when they humanly miss us, yhey float back in or hear your call to them and they come back to sooth your pain....they cannot get in so close that you feel their touch, but you may feel their breath, their breeze through the room...they may leave signals...these are gifts...just reaching out in love for can comfort your heart...
    your energy is keeping their spark can carry them in your arms and on your shoulder for the whole journey....stay in faith....God will protect you...he cares that you loved them so very much....he wants you to grow and be free, always one with them, and alone unto youy new life....

  10. Amy,
    This is awesome!!

  11. I am so glad that your kids are so close to you! That made my day to read this post!