Monday, November 29, 2010

I think I'm stuck...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it. I haven't blogged in forever because...well...I'm not sure what to say.

The sadness I feel every day is overwhelming. Usually I'm able to find some sort of perspective or silver lining or SOMETHING positive to say, but not lately. I got nothing.

So I start feeling guilty because I have a lot of good in my life. When I feel this sad it seems like I'm being selfish or ungrateful and not recognizing all that I do have. But honestly, I'm so sad that I don't care.

Then I think about all the people who have gone through similar situations - or even worse - and I realize I'm not the only one. And I feel bad for all that others have or are going through. And then I think "I'm too sad to think about other people". Then I feel like a self-centered bitch.

So this is why I haven't written. I don't want to admit to people that I'm a sad, guilt-ridden, ungrateful, self-centered bitch - especially when I just got married, have wonderful friends and a lot of other good stuff to be grateful for. But there it is. I'm admitting it. I'm a hot mess and I don't care. I tried to hold it together for a really long time, but then decided a few weeks ago that I just didn't want to hold it together anymore.

The only reason I'm writing this is because I had a conversation with someone this morning who reminded me that some people read this blog to "connect" with someone who understands what they're going through, and to maybe feel that what they're experiencing is "normal". I've tried in the past to be as honest and uncensored as possible and to tell it like it is. Today this is how it is. I don't know if it's normal, I just know that it is.

Maybe my admission of stuckfullness (it's not a word, but go with it) will help unstick me. My guess is that now that I've broken the seal, a tidal wave of nasty emotions is going to come forth. Oh well. "Better out than in", right? (I swear I have never really understood that saying, but it seems fitting in this case.)

Monday, November 1, 2010

It's a sad, sad day in Pittsburgh...

Yesterday a Pittsburgher named Aimee, a wife and mother of two young boys, died after having a stroke. I'd guess she was my age, somewhere in her 30s. It's unfair and awful and I'm having a hard time making any sense of it whatsoever.

I met Aimee once, at a yoga class. She and I both volunteered to help out with yoga for first graders at Kate's school. Her son was in Kate's class.

After my kids died and I started my blog Aimee became a regular reader and commented often. Sometimes she would share stories her son would tell about Kate. Other times she'd offer words of support and encouragement, or tell me how much my journey had impacted her role as a mother. Her words, as do all of the comments on my blog, mean so much to me. I wish I could have done something to help her.

Yesterday, after I'd learned she was in the hospital on life-support, but before I knew she had died, I started reading through her comments. I clicked on her blogger profile link, to learn a little more about her, and saw that she started her own blog. The last post is titled, "I hope I don't die waiting for health-care reform to happen". Please take a moment to read it. She did die. And she didn't have health insurance. And now her two boys are gonna grow up without their Mama.

Please, please pray for her sons and their dad. Please send them all the love you can. If there is anything else that can be done to help, I will let you know. I know her family has to raise money to pay her hospital bills. That's a real kick in the face.

There is one other thing you can do. You can vote tomorrow. Health care reform is one of the hot issues in this election and the only way to make a difference is to vote. Please vote and please remember Aimee.