Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it. I haven't blogged in forever because...well...I'm not sure what to say.
The sadness I feel every day is overwhelming. Usually I'm able to find some sort of perspective or silver lining or SOMETHING positive to say, but not lately. I got nothing.
So I start feeling guilty because I have a lot of good in my life. When I feel this sad it seems like I'm being selfish or ungrateful and not recognizing all that I do have. But honestly, I'm so sad that I don't care.
Then I think about all the people who have gone through similar situations - or even worse - and I realize I'm not the only one. And I feel bad for all that others have or are going through. And then I think "I'm too sad to think about other people". Then I feel like a self-centered bitch.
So this is why I haven't written. I don't want to admit to people that I'm a sad, guilt-ridden, ungrateful, self-centered bitch - especially when I just got married, have wonderful friends and a lot of other good stuff to be grateful for. But there it is. I'm admitting it. I'm a hot mess and I don't care. I tried to hold it together for a really long time, but then decided a few weeks ago that I just didn't want to hold it together anymore.
The only reason I'm writing this is because I had a conversation with someone this morning who reminded me that some people read this blog to "connect" with someone who understands what they're going through, and to maybe feel that what they're experiencing is "normal". I've tried in the past to be as honest and uncensored as possible and to tell it like it is. Today this is how it is. I don't know if it's normal, I just know that it is.
Maybe my admission of stuckfullness (it's not a word, but go with it) will help unstick me. My guess is that now that I've broken the seal, a tidal wave of nasty emotions is going to come forth. Oh well. "Better out than in", right? (I swear I have never really understood that saying, but it seems fitting in this case.)
I do not think you are ungrateful and self centered. It is okay to feel your own pain. You have plenty of it to deal with it, and if that sometimes makes you stuck, so be it. You are real and as always that is an inspiration to me. I am so grateful for your honesty and your willingness to lay it all out there.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for awhile and am de-lurking to comment. Your feelings are completely justified--I was thinking this same thing this weekend. It's not either/or, it's and. As in, "I am grateful and happy for the good things in my life, AND I'm totally, completely devastated for the loss." I hear you and I get it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe admitting that you're stuck and looking at why you're stuck will help you work through it and get "unstuck". Grief is a complicated emotion--there's lots of little parts to it that can come undone at any moment and bring everything to a halt.It's the holiday season--lots of emphasis and pressure on family, fun, happiness--it can really rip those little pieces of grief apart and let them float to the surface. Continue being honest with yourself and acknowledge what you feel. And if it gets too overwhelming, get some professional help, because, well, it helps.
ReplyDeleteIt has been six years since I lost my precious son and I am here to tell you that the second year was far worse than the first. The first year there was a lot of numbness and denial, however, the second year was when it all became much too real. It is still agonizing pain and the profound sense of loss is unimaginable unless you have also lost a child. Having lost both of your children is beyond words. There are no words to soften your pain. I will tell you that although it really does not get easier, you do learn how to better deal with the loss and unbearable pain. Holidays suck now and I think that they always will. I just try to get through them and put them behind me. Kate and Peter would want you to go on with your life and you have. Amy, all I can offer you is to take it one day at a time and know that those two sweet souls are always with you. Sending you healing hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not a self-centered bitch ... not at all. I have not encountered many people as giving and as gracious as you are. You deserve your happiness and, yet, you will feel that pain that has become so constant in your life these past months. Kate and Peter would want you to move on with your life. They will be with you every step you take from now on. I thought of them the other day. I remember you had posted mall train pictures once, and ... I was near a mall train, watching it go round and round :-). You and your little brood have touched a lot of lives. I hope you are adjusting to your new married life, and, please, never feel guilty about all those conflicting emotions you feel. I'm sure the holidays are hard; I hope you will feel some joy this season - though when you feel like sharing the nasty emotions, there are plenty of us here to listen. I rarely send virtual hugs, but I am today. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhile it is good to acknowledge and feel for others' pain and difficulties, such acknowledgement should never displace your own feelings. You are justified in feeling sad, angry, sorry for yourself, etc. This is your journey and your life. Do not minimize your grief or what you're sealing with because you think others have it worse. Your issues are personal to you and just as important and are deserving of as much empathy. Feel sorry for yourself if you need to. It's ok. When your sorrow feels all-consuming, reach out to family, friends and cyberspace if need be. Allow yourself to grieve without feeling guilty about it.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely NOT a self-centered bitch. Quite the contrary... You give to so many people - including people that you have never met before, by sharing your story with us... Grief is a complicated process... Just when you think you are past something, the pain just comes lurking back out to attack you. We are all here for you through your ups and downs...
ReplyDeleteHugs. That's all I've got.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are your feelings. There is no right or wrong in grieving. Just from reading your blog anyone can see you are very very far from being a self centered bitch.You are very special to be strong enought to share your grief with the world the way you do. One of my best friends died when she was 16 in a car accident. I have seen how her parents have suffered through the years and all I can say is let it out. Do what you need to do. You dont have to always be a "big girl". ((hugs))
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