Saturday, November 28, 2009

Non-coincidence #157...

So Thanksgiving was ok. Like I thought, it wasn't worse than any other day. (though Christmas may be another story) I was distracted, surrounded by wonderful people and fairly busy. It wasn't until I went to bed that night that the sadness hit me.

It's so weird...I'll be totally fine and all of a sudden I realize how much I miss them and that they're really not coming back and the pain is instantaneously overwhelming. So I started talking to them and telling them that I needed to hear from them.

I truly believe, as I've said many times, that they are in a better place. They're better off...we're the ones who have it rough. I believe this in my mind and my heart and my soul. Sometimes, however, it's hard to feel it. Especially when I feel sad.

The day after Thanksgiving (which would be yesterday) I told them I needed to know that they really are in a better place. I'm still their mother and I can't sleep at night if I'm worried about them. They still have to check in from time to time. I SO wish I could find a cell phone provider with interdimensional service.

Literally, within a few hours of my request an anonymous person posted this comment on my blog:

This is what I believe...

When you die, you don't die at all you just move on to another it heaven or whatever you'd like. It's calm, you're at peace, you're greeted by generations of family you've never known...but they've seen you grow up from that other place. You aren't scared, you're at peace. You're still here, in dreams, in thoughts, in memories, people never die...they just move on. It's always easier to leave than to be left behind...
As a child I've seen family members I've never even met in my dreams. My grandfather recently passed away, and I've seen him in my dreams as well...and he let me know that he is happy, healthy, and with family. Death is sad for those of us that are left behind, but those who move on are at peace. I know it to be true.

Pay attention to your dreams and your surroundings, they will let you know they're with you always! You just have to keep your head clear and an open mind... They want you to be happy, they're okay...

To whomever posted that: thank you! And I hope you don't mind that I reposted it. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I believe that my kids somehow prompted you to write that and I thank you for being open enough to give me the message. Kate and Peter, thank you for getting back to me.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Giving thanks...

Thanksgiving this year will be....well, interesting. I'm not sure, but I don't think it will be more horrible or unbearable than any other day because every day is difficult. I'll let you know.

I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite holiday. Mostly because I love to cook and I really love to eat and it's great to have a whole day to do that with the people you love. I'm also a big fan of giving thanks. I've always felt it's important to "count my blessings" and not take things for granted, even before this year happened.

I guess, in some way, giving thanks this year means even more than it ever has before. I realize I've suffered a devastating loss, one I would give anything to undo and one I can't even completely comprehend, but even so...I still have so much good in my life. I have a wonderful family who would do anything for me, I have the most amazing friends in the world and I have a huge virtual community supporting me and helping me get by. I have a roof over my head, a job and a car. I’ve had the opportunity to spend some time traveling and now I have the chance to go back to school and pursue a career doing something I love. I am healthy. Despite my loss, I have many blessings.

As someone commented on one of my past posts - no matter how bad you think you have it, someone always has it worse. Though I am no longer physically with my children, I'm mostly sure they crossed over very quickly and didn't spend any time suffering. I believe in my heart and my soul that they are in a better place, surrounded by love and peace. They're not hurting, those of us who grieve for them are.

My heart goes out to parents who have to watch their children suffer through long-term illnesses. I also think about people who live in extreme poverty or war zones, soldiers who have to fight in wars and parents who's children disappear or are abducted. In no way is this a "who has it worse" contest, but I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle any of that. So, in my opinion, there are many people out there who have been dealt a far worse hand than me.

But back to the giving thanks part...

Most importantly, I am thankful for being Kate and Peter's mom. They came into my life, turned it upside-down, challenged me, changed me and made me a better person. They showed me what true unconditional love is.

They are they reason I have such wonderful friends. Through their lives and even in death they have connected me to so many people and brought so many other people together. The amount of love, light and joy they brought to this world in a combined 10 short years is certainly more I have in 35 years (though I’m only 28).

They taught me what is truly important in life. And I know, for sure, that they are still teaching me, changing me and helping me grow. I’m thankful for every moment I got to spend with them and every moment I will have with them in the future!

Thank you, Kate and Peter! I love you!!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Wherever I go, there they are...

Since my kids died I have have quite a few experiences with them, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I feel one or both of them with me, sometimes I "hear" them and sometimes weird things happen that I can't explain any way other than - my kids are trying to tell me something. I've learned that some people call these experiences after-death communications (ADCs).

The first time I truly felt them was when I first saw their bodies after they died. I was so afraid to see them...I was scared shitless!!! I had no idea how to handle seeing my kids lying in a casket. They died on a Monday and I didn't see them for the first time until the following Saturday (it took awhile - it was Easter week and people were busy).

I walked alone into the room where they were laid out. (btw, I hate the term "laid out", but I don't know a better one) I didn't want anyone with me and I felt I should be the first person to see them. I didn't know if I was going to pass out, scream or throw up. Like I said - scared shitless. I walked up to them, started crying immediately and knelt down beside them. It took about 30 seconds before I was absolutely certain that they were not in their bodies (it didn't even really look like them) and they were standing on either side of me. I felt them SO STRONGLY, it's hard to even explain. I stopped crying and didn't cry again for the rest of the wake. A friend of mine who was there later emailed me to tell me that she had been a little freaked out - when she came over to talk to me she could feel them next to me too.

The next time I had an experience like that was Mother's Day. I woke up, alone in my house, and started getting ready to go walk the Race for the Cure. While I was getting dressed I "heard" them say, "just wait, Mama, we have a big surprise for you today". It was not an audible "hearing", but an intuitive one. Regardless, I thought I was starting to lose it. What surprise could they possibly have for me?!

I did the race then had brunch with a good friend. When I got back home I opened my front door, which had been locked, and my living room was FILLED with gifts. I had no idea who had been there or where the gifts came from, but again I "heard" my kids. The sounded very excited and said, "SEE? We pulled it off! Yay!" I was overwhelmed and started crying happy tears. Not only was it so kind of someone to do something like this for me on Mother's Day, but I knew I could really hear my kids! I wasn't losing my mind. It turns out that a bunch of my friends, as well as many people I don't know, had collected little gifts over the previous month to surprise me. It was extremely thoughtful and I was more than grateful...and I knew for sure my kids were behind it.

Since then I've had a bunch of other experiences like that, especially while I was traveling in Italy last month. I want to write about all of them - not only to share them, but because I don't want to forget them. It's so encouraging to have these experiences because it means my kids aren't really "dead", they're just living in another dimension (or whatever you want to call it) with all our other loved ones who've crossed over.

So I promise I will write about the other occurrences soon, but I'm afraid this story is turning into more of a book than a blog post. There's just too much to write all at once - which is a great thing! I hope and pray my kids will continue to be with me wherever I go.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Coincidence? Notsomuch...

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I do not believe in coincidence. Though I don't think everything is predetermined, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Often timing can be seemingly attributed to nothing less than divine intervention, at least in my experience. That being said...

For the past week or so I've been feeling exceptionally glum. I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but what I've felt has been different from the usual sadness/anger/outrage/disbelief I've grown accustomed to. This 'glum' feeling is almost a numb feeling. It's like I lack the energy to feel much of anything anymore. It feels like I've used up every last ounce of coping energy over the past 7 months and I've got nothin left. I'm so done. (for those of you who worry - that doesn't mean I want to off myself, I'd just like to stay in bed for the next 6 or 7 years)

So Tuesday night before going to bed I checked my email and noticed that eight or nine people had commented on my blog during a span of a couple hours. I thought that was interesting because I didn't know any of those people and surmised that somewhere, someone must have told a bunch of people about my blog. I didn't know how they heard of me, but I was grateful for their kind words and offers of support. I read what they had to say and went to bed feeling a little better.

Wednesday, as I went through my day I noticed that I was getting new comments every 5 minutes! I was also getting facebook messages from people all over the world. I realized that more than 500 people had viewed my blog in one day so I knew something was up. I googled my blog and saw that Ginny Montanez had written about me and my blog on her blog, "That's Church". She encouraged people to leave a comment to support me. It was all beginning to make sense.

I need to take a few moments to sincerely thank Ginny and everyone who has taken the time to read my blog, look at pictures of my kids and write a few kind words. You have absolutely no idea how much each comment, even the smallest ones, means to me and how much you have all helped me get out of my latest funk. When I truly did not have the strength or energy to cope another day, all of you "internet strangers" and "virtual friends" have carried me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you!

When I went to see the medium I mentioned in a previous post, she told me she could see a very large blue aura around me. She said that aura was the prayer energy of countless people praying for me. She told me I had no idea how many people were praying and that it would be difficult to understand just how much their prayers were helping. Now I do understand. And I just can't thank everyone enough.

And now for an ironic side note: I saw a news story about Ginny and her blog back in August. I checked "That's Church" out and, in addition to being extremely impressed by what an excellent writer Ginny is, her blog inspired me to start my own blog. I started Callapitter about a week after I saw that news story. I never cease to be amazed by the way people in my world are interconnected or by the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's a lovely fall day in Pittsburgh...

and I'm just about done with this "my kids are dead" bullshit. I'd like them back now, please. Thank you.

I understand there's absolutely no purpose in making such a request, but that's how I feel today. I wish I could talk to whomever is in charge and say, "There's been a mistake. I realize this is what happened, but it wasn't such a good idea. Let's fix it."

Of course I can't do that. So I will just be sad and ponder the purpose of my life and of Kate and Peter's. I don't mean to sound so negative, I've actually had a lot of experiences lately that were clearly interactions with both of them (I'm working on a post about that). But today I'd like to hang out with them, maybe go to the park then take them out for dinner and a movie. I just want a regular Saturday with my kids. Something I completely took for granted.

Friday, November 6, 2009

These are the dark and scary thoughts...

that I typically keep to myself:

Disclaimer: You may not want to read this. These are some of the horrible and unbearable thoughts that keep me up at night. I normally don't discuss them with anyone and I don't want to disturb anyone. However, I created this blog to have a place to express my thoughts so they are not bouncing around in my head anymore. This is the reality of my experience. What may be therapeutic for me may not be helpful to others...

Lately I've been thinking about the accident a lot. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and unable to breathe when I imagine what my kids experienced. I don't know why I allow my mind to go there, but it does.

Since the accident happened I've known that the car was off the road for a considerable amount of time before it crashed (like 5-7 seconds). That may not seem like a long time, but imagine going approximately 70 mph for that amount of time on an uneven embankment, not on the road. Hell, just imagine being on rumble strips for that period of would feel like a long time to me.

So while the car was off the road Steve, Kate and Peter's dad, was apparently unconscious for one reason or another. I can only begin to imagine the terror they were experiencing. The were completely helpless, probably screaming and trying to get Steve's attention.

Even though I wasn't there, I have an image of those final moments stuck in my head. I blame myself for not being there to protect them. I realize this blame is irrational and unwarranted, however I am their mother. As far as I'm concerned, my job on this earth is to love them, take care of them and protect them from harm. And if I'm unable to protect them, I at least want to be with them when they experience bad things. And I wasn't...not by any fault of my own, but still. I imagine other parents who've lost children probably feel the same way, though I don't know for sure.

Yesterday, while I was in Florence, Italy I climbed the stairs to the top of the Duomo. It's a very beautiful and very big church with a giant dome. I was able to walk on the terraces outside the church and at the very top. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to jump off. (in a previous post I stated that I knew for sure I would never kill myself and that is still true, though the thought does pop into my mind from time to time...I think that's probably normal and I don't want to alarm anyone. really, don't worry, mom!) I thought, 'I could do it if I really wanted to...all I would need to do is lean over and let go and then I would know what it's like to die, to go through what my kids went through'.

There is no way I would ever do it for two reasons: 1. I would be afraid of what my consequence would be after death and that I might not be reunited with my kids and 2. it's just too damn scary!!!!!!!

Yet, my little, wonderful, innocent, beautiful children died. They experienced death. And I wasn't there to comfort them, protect them, be with them, etc...etc.

Since the accident I have hoped and prayed from the depths of my being that they didn't experience pain or fear, though it's hard to imagine they didn't. I did visit a medium in June who told me they crossed over so suddenly that they actually left their bodies before impact. That information gives me hope. As does some of the other information the medium gave me. I will certainly share more about that later.

For now, I just needed to share these dark thoughts so they hopefully will not bother me anymore and I will no longer have to experience them alone.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Feed the birds...

I've spent the last couple of days in Venice which, as everyone knows, is a beautiful city. Yesterday I spent time at the Piazza di San Marco or St. Mark's Square. There were so many amazing things to look at but I was taken with the pigeons. There were hundreds of people (including many kids) feeding and playing with the birds. All I could think of was the song "Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins. That song was one of Kate's favorites and she knew all the words to all of the verses. I wish she could have been there with me yesterday.

Many people were actually allowing the pigeons to land on their arms, shoulders and heads which seemed a little crazy but I thought, 'hey, why not?!' So here are some pictures of me with the birds. It's obvious (and hilarious) how uncomfortable I was at first. I was afraid their claws would dig into me or they'd peck me with their beaks. Instead, they were the most graceful, gentle animals I have ever touched. As strange as this may sound, having those birds land on my arm was the highlight of my trip to Italy so far. It was truly amazing!

I'm not sure exactly what this experience has to do with anything, but I wanted to share it. I'm pretty sure my kids were proud of me for doing that. :-)