Friday, November 6, 2009

These are the dark and scary thoughts...

that I typically keep to myself:

Disclaimer: You may not want to read this. These are some of the horrible and unbearable thoughts that keep me up at night. I normally don't discuss them with anyone and I don't want to disturb anyone. However, I created this blog to have a place to express my thoughts so they are not bouncing around in my head anymore. This is the reality of my experience. What may be therapeutic for me may not be helpful to others...

Lately I've been thinking about the accident a lot. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and unable to breathe when I imagine what my kids experienced. I don't know why I allow my mind to go there, but it does.

Since the accident happened I've known that the car was off the road for a considerable amount of time before it crashed (like 5-7 seconds). That may not seem like a long time, but imagine going approximately 70 mph for that amount of time on an uneven embankment, not on the road. Hell, just imagine being on rumble strips for that period of would feel like a long time to me.

So while the car was off the road Steve, Kate and Peter's dad, was apparently unconscious for one reason or another. I can only begin to imagine the terror they were experiencing. The were completely helpless, probably screaming and trying to get Steve's attention.

Even though I wasn't there, I have an image of those final moments stuck in my head. I blame myself for not being there to protect them. I realize this blame is irrational and unwarranted, however I am their mother. As far as I'm concerned, my job on this earth is to love them, take care of them and protect them from harm. And if I'm unable to protect them, I at least want to be with them when they experience bad things. And I wasn't...not by any fault of my own, but still. I imagine other parents who've lost children probably feel the same way, though I don't know for sure.

Yesterday, while I was in Florence, Italy I climbed the stairs to the top of the Duomo. It's a very beautiful and very big church with a giant dome. I was able to walk on the terraces outside the church and at the very top. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to jump off. (in a previous post I stated that I knew for sure I would never kill myself and that is still true, though the thought does pop into my mind from time to time...I think that's probably normal and I don't want to alarm anyone. really, don't worry, mom!) I thought, 'I could do it if I really wanted to...all I would need to do is lean over and let go and then I would know what it's like to die, to go through what my kids went through'.

There is no way I would ever do it for two reasons: 1. I would be afraid of what my consequence would be after death and that I might not be reunited with my kids and 2. it's just too damn scary!!!!!!!

Yet, my little, wonderful, innocent, beautiful children died. They experienced death. And I wasn't there to comfort them, protect them, be with them, etc...etc.

Since the accident I have hoped and prayed from the depths of my being that they didn't experience pain or fear, though it's hard to imagine they didn't. I did visit a medium in June who told me they crossed over so suddenly that they actually left their bodies before impact. That information gives me hope. As does some of the other information the medium gave me. I will certainly share more about that later.

For now, I just needed to share these dark thoughts so they hopefully will not bother me anymore and I will no longer have to experience them alone.


  1. Amy,I believe in my heart that they felt no pain. I think about it all the time. I think about if they wfelt the pain and what it felt like then I somehow always feel this calm that they weren't. I pray for you and them everyday my dear friend. I thank you for getting out these thoughts. Love you

  2. Amy,

    I am sure that they felt no pain or fear. Think about it...your children were really too small to understand what was happening. It happened so fast. I've seen many people's really a peaceful thing. Think about the peace they felt when entering heaven. I'm sure if you could ask them they wouldn't even want to come back to this crazy earth. They are happy and being taken care of where they are. You will see them again Amy...remember that.

    Ellen Kerr Ryan

  3. Amy - I don't blame you for letting your mind wander to these thoughts - however awful they may be. I have wondered the same things - as a mother - a concerned "neighbor" - as an outsider looking in - after I heard about this terrible accident (and I only know your little beauties through you, and they are such happy, completely satisfied, secure kids - really - I can tell). Truthfully, they were probably a little scared for a few seconds, but... all kids get scared and don't understand the gravity of the situation (run in front of cars, touch hot stoves - all the same to them); only we adults understand how scary certain situations really are. Also, this is going to be controversial, I'm sure :-), but I would believe the medium. I'm sure they left quickly. My mother is from a long line of superstitious southerners. She has many memories of seances, Ouija board sessions, etc., but.... only one meeting with a medium / psychic has stayed with her. This person told my Mother and my Grandmother, who brought her, some scary things that did come true. My Mother, to this day, is a BELIEVER in many ways, and she is the most down to earth, practical person you would ever meet. Thankfully, you got good news from your medium. Religious scholars and scientist alike agree that death can be a serene experience - that the tunnel of light and flashing pleasant memories are your brain's reaction to what is happening. There is peace. And - you'll see your lovelies again. For now, I think it is brave and wonderful that you remain open to feeling their presence - celebrating the legacy they left, etc.

  4. Hello.

    I just happened upon your blog & may I say from the perspective of a stranger looking in, I adore your candor & realism. I respect every word that you have to say & am glad I found this journal.


  5. I lost my son before he was even born, and the hardest thing my husband said to me was, "Do you think he was scared?"

    I don't think he was. I think he went from a dark, warm safe place of love to a world of light and love.

    I miss him every day.

    I know that it helped me after Gabriel died to talk to someone else — professionally. I don't know if you are in therapy at all, but as someone who has grieved — who still grieves — a child, I would encourage it. I may help those dark thoughts. Not to go away, but to be able to grasp them, at least.

    My heart breaks for you.


  6. I am sorry. I am sorry for everything.

  7. amy
    i hope you dont mind me reading through and commenting.
    i have always held fast to a belief that those who die violent deaths certainly are spared the fear and pain of the actual "impact" in this case, and all that comes before. the human mind is capable of amazing wonders and i agree with the medium that they were gone from that place before their bodies were.
    again, i hope that my commenting and what im saying doesn't upset you.

  8. Amy, I recently saw a psychic that said death is like taking off a pair of shoes that are a size too small.
    You don't know me, but I pray for you.
    I know this post is from a while ago, I'm just catching up.