that I typically keep to myself:
Disclaimer: You may not want to read this. These are some of the horrible and unbearable thoughts that keep me up at night. I normally don't discuss them with anyone and I don't want to disturb anyone. However, I created this blog to have a place to express my thoughts so they are not bouncing around in my head anymore. This is the reality of my experience. What may be therapeutic for me may not be helpful to others...
Lately I've been thinking about the accident a lot. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and unable to breathe when I imagine what my kids experienced. I don't know why I allow my mind to go there, but it does.
Since the accident happened I've known that the car was off the road for a considerable amount of time before it crashed (like 5-7 seconds). That may not seem like a long time, but imagine going approximately 70 mph for that amount of time on an uneven embankment, not on the road. Hell, just imagine being on rumble strips for that period of time...it would feel like a long time to me.
So while the car was off the road Steve, Kate and Peter's dad, was apparently unconscious for one reason or another. I can only begin to imagine the terror they were experiencing. The were completely helpless, probably screaming and trying to get Steve's attention.
Even though I wasn't there, I have an image of those final moments stuck in my head. I blame myself for not being there to protect them. I realize this blame is irrational and unwarranted, however I am their mother. As far as I'm concerned, my job on this earth is to love them, take care of them and protect them from harm. And if I'm unable to protect them, I at least want to be with them when they experience bad things. And I wasn't...not by any fault of my own, but still. I imagine other parents who've lost children probably feel the same way, though I don't know for sure.
Yesterday, while I was in Florence, Italy I climbed the stairs to the top of the Duomo. It's a very beautiful and very big church with a giant dome. I was able to walk on the terraces outside the church and at the very top. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to jump off. (in a previous post I stated that I knew for sure I would never kill myself and that is still true, though the thought does pop into my mind from time to time...I think that's probably normal and I don't want to alarm anyone. really, don't worry, mom!) I thought, 'I could do it if I really wanted to...all I would need to do is lean over and let go and then I would know what it's like to die, to go through what my kids went through'.
There is no way I would ever do it for two reasons: 1. I would be afraid of what my consequence would be after death and that I might not be reunited with my kids and 2. it's just too damn scary!!!!!!!
Yet, my kids...my little, wonderful, innocent, beautiful children died. They experienced death. And I wasn't there to comfort them, protect them, be with them, etc...etc.
Since the accident I have hoped and prayed from the depths of my being that they didn't experience pain or fear, though it's hard to imagine they didn't. I did visit a medium in June who told me they crossed over so suddenly that they actually left their bodies before impact. That information gives me hope. As does some of the other information the medium gave me. I will certainly share more about that later.
For now, I just needed to share these dark thoughts so they hopefully will not bother me anymore and I will no longer have to experience them alone.