Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wherever I go, there they are...

Since my kids died I have have quite a few experiences with them, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I feel one or both of them with me, sometimes I "hear" them and sometimes weird things happen that I can't explain any way other than - my kids are trying to tell me something. I've learned that some people call these experiences after-death communications (ADCs).

The first time I truly felt them was when I first saw their bodies after they died. I was so afraid to see them...I was scared shitless!!! I had no idea how to handle seeing my kids lying in a casket. They died on a Monday and I didn't see them for the first time until the following Saturday (it took awhile - it was Easter week and people were busy).

I walked alone into the room where they were laid out. (btw, I hate the term "laid out", but I don't know a better one) I didn't want anyone with me and I felt I should be the first person to see them. I didn't know if I was going to pass out, scream or throw up. Like I said - scared shitless. I walked up to them, started crying immediately and knelt down beside them. It took about 30 seconds before I was absolutely certain that they were not in their bodies (it didn't even really look like them) and they were standing on either side of me. I felt them SO STRONGLY, it's hard to even explain. I stopped crying and didn't cry again for the rest of the wake. A friend of mine who was there later emailed me to tell me that she had been a little freaked out - when she came over to talk to me she could feel them next to me too.

The next time I had an experience like that was Mother's Day. I woke up, alone in my house, and started getting ready to go walk the Race for the Cure. While I was getting dressed I "heard" them say, "just wait, Mama, we have a big surprise for you today". It was not an audible "hearing", but an intuitive one. Regardless, I thought I was starting to lose it. What surprise could they possibly have for me?!

I did the race then had brunch with a good friend. When I got back home I opened my front door, which had been locked, and my living room was FILLED with gifts. I had no idea who had been there or where the gifts came from, but again I "heard" my kids. The sounded very excited and said, "SEE? We pulled it off! Yay!" I was overwhelmed and started crying happy tears. Not only was it so kind of someone to do something like this for me on Mother's Day, but I knew I could really hear my kids! I wasn't losing my mind. It turns out that a bunch of my friends, as well as many people I don't know, had collected little gifts over the previous month to surprise me. It was extremely thoughtful and I was more than grateful...and I knew for sure my kids were behind it.

Since then I've had a bunch of other experiences like that, especially while I was traveling in Italy last month. I want to write about all of them - not only to share them, but because I don't want to forget them. It's so encouraging to have these experiences because it means my kids aren't really "dead", they're just living in another dimension (or whatever you want to call it) with all our other loved ones who've crossed over.

So I promise I will write about the other occurrences soon, but I'm afraid this story is turning into more of a book than a blog post. There's just too much to write all at once - which is a great thing! I hope and pray my kids will continue to be with me wherever I go.


  1. They will, Amy. Be sure they will... wherever you go. No doubt. Good night.

  2. You are a remarkable and courageous woman.

  3. Dear Amy, there is so much real, concrete evidence in the world these days that prove we don't die!

    I'm a student of a wonderful spiritual path that teaches we don't have a Soul we ARE Soul .
    I have learned that Soul is a spark of God..Soul is eternal and has no beginning nor ending...and Soul exists because God loves IT!

    You experiences with your children are real..Love is stronger than any temporary physical separation....Watch you dreams, in the dream state we all visit our loved one...Perhaps you may want to ask that when the time is right you may be guided to meet with them in the dream world ..

    May the blessings BE!
    You are a dear Soul, a brave one....I will be watching you as you gain more and more strength and spiritual understanding that will give you the comfort you need to deal with this loss.

    PS You asked if anyone knew what the difference was between soul and spirit.. I understand that we are pure spirit, we are Soul , this is our true identity.

  4. That is a breathtakingly beautiful story about about Mother's Day. I so truly hope this blog is helping mending your soul. I think of that Harry Chapin line that goes: "Sometimes words can serve us well/And sometimes words can go to hell for all that they do." And I know that words alone will not heal, and all the philosophy in the history of the world can not fully touch your pain, maybe something you hear one day will just ease your mind for a moment. Maybe not, but I'll just throw this out there for you and hope it helps. It helped me in my time of greatest sorrow. It's from an old Greek poet:

    "And even in our sleep,
    pain that cannot forget
    falls drop by drop
    upon the heart; and in our own despair
    against our will,
    comes wisdom to us
    by the awful grace of God.

    May wisdom come to you. May moments of peace rest more upon your heart as that wisdom comes.

    Robert T

  5. Your posta reminds me of a twist on the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" mantra. A wise, wonderful woman once told me as I was going through a difficult time that God doesn't necessarily give us only what we can handle, but he did give us the people who will help us handle whatever he gives. Your friends and acquaintances (all of us included) -- and, yes, your children, in whatever "form" they exist in now -- are what God has given you to survive.

  6. They are with you.
    This I believe and know for a fact.
    I lost my mom in 2006. Right after she left, I had a dream, in it I saw my mom. She turned to me and said, "I'm ok really I am stop being upset"
    She communicates with us all the time. She leaves pennies in strange places for my sister & I. Stange places like a bed, in the sink. very obvious places.
    Last June I had taken my fiancee' to Pennsylvania, to meet my family.
    Our last day there, Christie lost a journey pendent that I had gotten her. She was terribly upset. I don't know why, but I wasn't bothered by it at all.
    A couple months after we left, I get a call from my sister. She said she had looked high & low, and couldn't find it. But,.... She said to herself, "ok mom, help me find it"

    A few days later, she is at the landing at the top of the stairs, and glances in the front room where we stayed, and saw the alarm clock blinking. Interestingly enough, there had been no power outages recently. She went over to hit a button on the clock just to make it quit blinking, as she looks down, she saw something glint off the power cord..... Guess what it was??
    Our loved one are with us, when we need them. Remember that.
    I have other stories to back this up and will share them with you when they are appropiate.
    Hang in there!
    God bless

  7. Kate and Peter are definitely with you, and will be until you get to join them. Take comfort in that. Even on the darkest days, they are there. Keep going, Amy. Thinking of you!

  8. Reading this always helped me after the loss of my son.

    If tears could build a stairway,
    And memories were a lane,
    We would walk right up to heaven
    To bring you down again.
    No farewell words were spoken,
    No time to say good-bye.
    You were gone before we knew it,
    And only God knows why.
    Our hearts still ache in sadness
    And secret tears still flow,
    What it meant to lose you,
    No one will ever know.
    When we are sad and lonely,
    And everything goes wrong,
    We seem to hear you whisper
    "Cheer up and carry on."
    Each time we look at your pictures,
    You seem to smile and say,
    "Don't cry, I'm only sleeping,
    We'll meet again someday."

  9. Those are beautiful stories. I am so glad to read about your Mother's Day experience as well. I continue to be heartened by the support your friends give you.

    Someday I can see you turning all of these posts (and more) into a book.

    Keep swimming.

  10. Thank you for sharing this. I know what you mean by the "I definitely heard it" / "intuitive" voice. It has happened to me in a similar situation. I have often wondered about that day for you. I'm glad they were there for you. It didn't look like them lying there because it wasn't them; they were next to you. These deep connections we make in life - most often, we feel them, right? We don't see them. It gives you chills to realize how profoundly they bridge like - HUGE gaps in space and time, doesn't it? The priest at my Dad's funeral took me and my brothers aside and told us that he was sure, after talking to my Dad in his illness, that we would feel him very clearly in the coming months. He was adamant about it. Keep watching and listening...And - btw - I'm sure they were quite proud of you on Mother's Day.

  11. I don't think anything can prepare you to see your child in a coffin. I was with my dear friend when she was looking down into the coffin of her 37 day old son and I'll never understand how she got through that moment.

    I'm so glad your kids are giving you comfort when you need it.

  12. Ashley, thank you for posting your stories. I am sure your children are with you, giving you strength when you need it. I will be thinking of you!

  13. I am certain they are always with you - what a wonderful story about Mother's Day. Thank you for sharing it with us - I'm looking forward to hearing more stories.

  14. What a beautiful comfort, to feel them so strongly. I hope you have many, many more moments like that one, and that you can hold onto the joy each one gives you until the next moment comes along.

  15. I hope you continue to find comfort. You are a brave woman and wonderful mom.

  16. I saw a link to your blog on and started reading. I read your entire blog and the news links to the passing of your children. I have been profoundly affected by your words. I am also a mother of two, my daughter Catherine is 11 and son morgan is 9. After reading your story, I gave them a huge hug with tears in my eyes and have given them a hug every day with your Katherine and Peter in mind. I just want you to know that in Littleton colorado, someone knows who your children are, that they are not gone to the world. Be well

  17. You should write a book. When I read your posts I feel like I'm on a journey with you. A heartbreaking journey, but a journey none-the-less. There is something captivating about the way you tell your story. Can't think of a better way to honor your kids.

  18. Continuing to think of you and keep you in my prayers everyday. This Thanksgiving I am giving thanks for having the opportunity to have known Kate and Peter. I think of them daily and how they always brought a smile to my face and would make me laugh so hard it hurt! I'm positive they are with you smiling and giving thanks for having such a truly wonderful mother. Thinking of you...take special care.

  19. I wanted to take a quick minute to let you know that you and your little angels are in my prayers. I can imagine that the next coming weeks are going to be difficult for you, but know that you have many friends out there, some you know and some you don't that are thinking and praying for you!

  20. Amy: Just wanted to take a quick moment to thank you for sharing your story, your experiences, your words with all of us.

    Your ability to see beauty & find meaning in the midst of this most difficult of times is truly inspirational, and the power of your writing is simply breathtaking.

    Callapitter is a wonderful tribute to your children, a testament to the enduring power of love, and a true gift to those of us who read your words.

  21. My heart aches for you...