Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm also aware that what I write can cause people to worry about me. The purpose of this blog is not to elicit reactions or comments (though as I've said in the past, all of your comments are welcomed and extremely helpful) but to give me an outlet for what I'm thinking, feeling and experiencing. It will also hopefully help others to understand what grief is like...while someone is going through it...not in retrospect.
So let me just share this...for those of you who care about me and worry about me.
First of all, I appreciate everyone's love and concern, so don't think I don't want you do contact me, email me, call me, etc...to ask how I'm doing. Please do.
Secondly, I'm both ok and not ok. I think, given the circumstances, I am holding my own, functioning as a regular person...most of the time. However, there are times, many of them, in which I freak out....scream, cry, punch things, wish I had some illegal drugs to abuse and wish I could cease to exist. Which brings me to...
Lastly, I think a major concern of many people is that I may hit bottom and try to kill myself. I have struggled with depression in the past and felt close to suicidal. However, with this ginormous tragedy I have experienced a huge shift of the spiritual kind. I haven't become religious or anything like that, but as I continue to search and grow spiritually I also continue to try to figure out where exactly my kids may be (not that I think I can pin them down to a specific location). At this point I believe they are here, but in some other dimension or plane of consciousness. I can tell you all, with absolute certainty, that I will never, ever kill myself because of the fear that doing so may take me somewhere other than where my kids are. I'm just not gonna take that risk. So to make a long story short (too late, I know) you don't have to worry about that. Just sayin.
So back to the honesty and uncensored thing...I do question how honest and real I can be. I had a rather difficult experience earlier today that I would like to write about, but it was so fucked up that I think "can people really handle reading that?" I'm still deciding.
On a lighter note, what makes this blog sometimes difficult to write is that every one of my English teachers periodically pops into my head to tell me to correct my grammar or punctuation. I do my best to ignore them, but I have to say, they make me laugh. I guess they did teach me a few things afterall.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Snack and a story is a tradition that started when Kate was a baby. When she was still drinking formula out of bottles or milk out of sippy cups, we would read her a story while she had her last bottle or cup of milk before bed. As she grew older and Peter came into the picture, the milk turned into a snack and the story turned into stories. But it was a tradition...the one thing that, no matter how crazy and overscheduled our days were, we always did to wind down before bedtime. These pictures were taken soon after Kate got her first (and only, as it turns out) real camera, during a particularly silly snack and a story.
My greatest defense mechanism up to this point has been distraction. I have managed to stay so busy that I have virtually no time to think. So far, it has worked. Unfortunately, my body has decided it's not down with that mode of operation anymore. I've noticed that for the past couple of weeks I have been exhausted, gotten numerous headaches and just generally felt like crap. I fear my body is telling me to slow down. But I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that as I start to do less, therefore thinking and feeling more, it's gonna get ugly...as it has on this random Tuesday night. I don't want depression and hopelessness to set in, though they most likely will. "I just want them back" is the thought that repeatedly goes through my mind. If I can have them back everything will be ok. I get it now, I'll be a better mom, I will tell them I love them constantly and I'll never, ever, ever, ever take them for granted.
One of the positive things that has happened as a result of this tragedy is that many people have told me they have a new perspective on life, that they realize what's really important. I'm honestly glad something good has come out of this, I only wish I could be one of those people learning this lesson from someone else's loss. I don't wish this on anyone, I just unwish it on me. I don't want to be the example that everyone else can learn from. I want to hug my kids a little tighter every night and spend more time completely focused on them because I saw what happened to someone else. I'm not really sure I'm strong enough to handle this. And even if I am strong enough, I just don't want to.
Unfortunately, I know in my rational mind that there is no going back, no unwishing, no undoing. The only way out of this is through it. Ugh.
Friday, September 18, 2009
When I feel this sad, the only thing I can do is look at their pictures and cry. So instead of writing I thought I'd just share some rarely seen pictures...
Kate when she was 5 months old. She was a wonderful, easy-going, happy baby...
This is the day Peter was born. Kate was 22 months old and she was a perfect big sister. She was never jealous, always very loving and Peter loved Kate more than anything in the world..
I've run out of words, but their beautiful faces speak volumes...
Here they are with their Grandparents, who I know miss them as much as I do...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So once more...I've said it before and I'll surely say it again...thank you, thank you! I know I would not have made it this far without everyone's love and support. And thank you, Kate and Peter, for being who you are and allowing me to be your mom.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
my new and latest fear is this: what if when we die we're just dead? it may seem odd that i could think this, given my earlier posts, but who knows? yes, i've had experiences where i've felt my kids or 'heard' them communicating with me, but what if that's just wishful thinking? what if it isn't real?! i want proof! undeniable, concrete, tangible proof.
i would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what happens to us when we die...and why you believe what you believe. when i'm feeling more positive than i am right now, i believe our soul/spirits go on. (does anyone know the difference between a soul and a spirit? maybe i'll google that)
long ago i believed in the traditional heaven and hell scenario, but now i'm not too sure about that. based on more recent experiences and readings, i lean more toward the ideas of reincarnation and different planes or dimensions of existence or consciousness. i know that's pretty vague, but i'll try to go into greater detail later...maybe when i have a more formed opinion.
i really do welcome anyone and everyone's thoughts, as i appreciate all of your comments thus far. even though i don't always respond to the comments, you have no idea how much comfort i find in reading what you all have written. thank you!
Friday, September 4, 2009
I won't ask how I'm supposed to put my life back together because, honestly, there isn't much left to put together. I don't mean to downplay how important my friends and family are, but in many ways I feel like everything I've worked toward for the past ten years has been erased or nullified. I mean seriously...I was a wife and mother and now I'm single and childless. WTF?!
So instead of trying to put something back together I think maybe I'm trying to start something new. Sort of. A new beginning with a shitload of baggage!
I guess I can do anything I want. I have a degree, wonderfully supportive people in my life and absolutely no limits. But what should I do? And where will I find the motivation? There are many times I'd like to curl up in my bed and sleep for the next 65 years.
Part of my problem is that the only thing I've ever wanted to do is be a wife and mother...and that didn't go so well. Do I try it again? Who knows what kind of bad things will happen this time? (I'm fully aware that I don't have a very positive attitude, but can you blame me?) Or do I do something totally different.
The only thing I've ever had a passion for besides being a wife and mother is cooking. I looked into going to culinary school a few years ago and said that if I could do it all over again I would do that instead of going to college. Well, I guess I have my chance to do it all over again.
I'm apprehensive about a career in cooking because I believe that whatever I spend the rest of my life doing MUST somehow honor my children. Can cooking do that? Is food important enough? I don't know. I am working on building a playground to memorialize them, which is wonderful, but in addition to preserving their memories I feel I need to do something to change the world in their names. I always thought they were going to change the world, but they didn't have the chance...so now it's up to me. (I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic or conceited)
My only immediate plans are to do lots of traveling and stay busy and distracted. I'm hoping my path will unfold as I blindly trudge forward. I guess that's what this blog is truly about. The "what's next" of it all. How does the callapitter become a butterfly? I hope Kate and Peter will help me figure it out.