this is one of those days where i simply feel bad. some days i'm fine, some days even approach being good. not today. today i just want to cry...and i'm at work so i can't. well, i could, but everyone else would feel uncomfortable. and i just realized that it's been five months...five months since i've seen my kids. that's somewhat inconceivable.
it's weird...i don't cry very often anymore - mostly because i won't let myself. when i start to cry i sometimes think i may never stop...so i just don't go there. when i do cry it's different than any type of crying i've ever experienced before. obviously the tears emerge from my eyes, but it feels like they originate in the pit of my stomach. it's almost like throwing up - this involuntary expulsion of stuff that i can't control. that may be tmi. sorry.
i had a strange dream last night. the first thing i remember is being in an auditorium full of people i knew. i completely lost it. i basically laid down on the floor and wept, almost like i was having a temper tantrum. it's probably the way i need to let go, but i won't. everyone around was very understanding and supportive. they didn't think i was nuts for behaving that way.
the next thing i remember was driving a friend's car. i was traveling on an off-ramp which was elevated over a city (kinda like the skyway in buffalo) when i crashed. the car went off the road, over the guard rail and dropped down into the city. i fell out the window so i didn't plummet to my death. my only injuries were lost and damaged teeth (no idea what that's about). i was pissed that i didn't die.
my new and latest fear is this: what if when we die we're just dead? it may seem odd that i could think this, given my earlier posts, but who knows? yes, i've had experiences where i've felt my kids or 'heard' them communicating with me, but what if that's just wishful thinking? what if it isn't real?! i want proof! undeniable, concrete, tangible proof.
i would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what happens to us when we die...and why you believe what you believe. when i'm feeling more positive than i am right now, i believe our soul/spirits go on. (does anyone know the difference between a soul and a spirit? maybe i'll google that)
long ago i believed in the traditional heaven and hell scenario, but now i'm not too sure about that. based on more recent experiences and readings, i lean more toward the ideas of reincarnation and different planes or dimensions of existence or consciousness. i know that's pretty vague, but i'll try to go into greater detail later...maybe when i have a more formed opinion.
i really do welcome anyone and everyone's thoughts, as i appreciate all of your comments thus far. even though i don't always respond to the comments, you have no idea how much comfort i find in reading what you all have written. thank you!
I have always believed in heaven and have been averse to the idea of hell. I believe that heaven, like religion, is personal. Your heaven may be different than my heaven. But the basic concept, in my mind, is that it is exactly what you want it to be. Why do I believe this? That is just faith. Believing in something that has no physical evidence to prove it exists. It is what gives me peace. I hope to see all of my loved ones in my heaven someday, even though I have a very hard time dealing with the concept of death. But I do believe that we must go on somehow, otherwise, what is the purpose of our time here?
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts,
-Jenn O.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI dont know you personally, but am from WNY and know your story. I think of you often and have been waiting for the right time to comment. Your kids have absolutely made a difference in the world. By you telling your story, you change so many of our lives. I have heard others say this and totally agree- i am a better mother because of you. I hate that you had to go through this for me to see life in a different way.
I lost my mom shortly after the birth of my 2nd child. It was devistating. She was an amazing grandma and i hate that my son will never have memories of her. I, too have felt her presence. I often feel her support at times in my life when I really need it. I have this "memory" of her telling me not to be sad about her not being here for my son, that she enjoys him more than any of his other grandparents are able to. It is kind of funny that it came to me that way, cause she was a little competitive, and would have wanted to be the favorite. It has been almost 2 years and i am starting to have alot of dreams about her. Also, it may be tough for you, but i did get a lot of strength from watching john edwards. I would love to go to one of his readings. I also was a skeptic, but he helped me to hear the signs that i was ignoring.
I grew up with a strong lutheran background, never really thought that heaven wasn't a possibility. Naturally at times, i question that, but am constantly reminded that all this must have come from some greater power. I try not to question it, and know my mom absolutely believed, so she is somewhere, I am just not sure exactly how it works. BUT, it took time for me to get here. I had those doubts initially also.
I want to add that i often think that my mom has spent some time with your kids. She was a pediatric nurse who loved kids.
Anyways, i think i have rambled long enough. dont mind my spelling, i dont do so well without spell check. best of luck to you!! keep going. you are doing an amazing job honring them. i hope to travel to the playground someday.
Melissa
I am not sure what I believe. I can certainly say that I do believe in God. In fact, call me crazy and lock me up if you wish but I feel in my heart that he held Henry the entire time in his arms while we were in the ICU. The child that was there was a shell. His spirit was with God somewhere better than that room. When Henry was strong enough he sent him back to us. In no way can I compare our experience to yours for obvious reasons. Sometimes I feel that the after life is very much like the Five People You Meet In Heaven. Meaning that right now Peter and Kate are living their lives as they were here on earth but waiting for you. When you get to heaven, they will be there, in whatever phase of their life was heaven to them. Maybe it will be in her twenties for Kate or perhaps Peter's idea of heaven was age 16 when he could drive....you will recognize them when you see them and they will call you 'mama' once again. At least that is how I picture it.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI don't have an answer for you, but I have a story that gives me peace. First let me say that the only ounce of 'religion' my children have ever experienced was from Beulah (much to my mother in law's dismay). They had questions about what they were taught there, but I always gave them very vague answers and told them that they could choose to believe what they wanted in their own hearts, but didn't have to take everything that was told to them as truth. Do they believe in God? I think Hailey does, just because she is still at Beulah and well, that's just what they do there. Ty never really caught on to the idea. John is italian/irish catholic filled with good old catholic guilt and all. I'm anti-organized religion and believe that there is a stronger force out there that directs things, but I don't feel the need to label it as "God".
When I told the kids about Peter and Kate's passing, their responses were completely opposite from what I expected. Hailey sobbed and told me how unfair it was and how she just wanted to see you. Ty really surprised me....he said "they were really good people, so they will come back as something really special". Where he got the idea of reincarnation is unknown to me, but I love that he feels this way. The comfort that it gave/gives him is remarkable and I find his insight inspiring. Do I believe in reincarnation? I'm not sure, but I do find it much more comforting than the "heaven/hell" doctrine. To think that Peter is now a sprouting oak that will give shade to those who seek it, have the strength to endure storms and cold winds, to be beautiful golden and red in the fall, to be the object of an artist's interest...well, that to me is awesome. And beautiful Kate....to think of her as the new ingredient in the vaccine that finally cures ALL cancer, to give life to millions, to save a child, to help all that need her, to give peace and joy to the family members of the loved one that seeks her cure.....that is awesome.
The fact that Tyler came to this without prompting or years of mentoring by the dali lama, well, it gives me faith that it might be true.
Love you,
Heather
Amy...you don't know me but I had the privelege of meeting Kate and Peter. I am friends with Stacy (your babysitter) and met your two babies while I was at Barnes and Noble with my two little nieces. After hearing Stacy talk about them I felt instantly connected with them when I was fortunate enough to come in contact with your little ones. I can still see Peter's sweet little face while eating his ice cream and smart little Kate reading so proudly with my niece. I think of you and your family often and am constantly thinking and praying for you and those beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteThe news of what happened over Easter has affected me greatly, such precious little lives, who touched so many, lost for reasons I cannot fathom. I am glad that you are doing this blog...I am a counselor as well and specialize in grief counseling and think this is a great step. Although I cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be in your shoes I want you to know and hopefully take comfort that there are so many people out there who are touched by your children in so many ways. I look at time with my nieces in such a different way and will continue to read and follow you on this journey.
Liz
My great-grandmother died when I was three. Since then, for whatever reason, when I think of heaven, I picture her surrounded by blue skies, perhaps sitting, standing or lying on a cloud (that part is no longer clear).
ReplyDeleteMy view of heaven is that you get to see everyone you love, just as you remembered them, though you don't necessarily touch them. The lack of physical contact may sound a little sad, but somehow seeing is enough. I try not to think about hell.
I believe that for every person that dies another is born, though I am not sure about reincarnation. And I also believe that people that go before us can and do watch out for us; God is probably pretty busy.
I was raised and still am Catholic, but yet my view of heaven is different from others. My six-year old is kind of freaked out by death. She asked when she dies if she, daddy, Sadie (the dog) and I will walk into heaven together. I assured her that will be the way it is. And even if we don't go at the same time, somehow maybe it can still be that way.
I have never meant either you or your children but you do inspire me and I find comfort in reading about you and your children! I wanted to comment on the heaven and hell theory! I completely believe in heaven hell and God...rest assured this is what got me threw my father n laws sudden death! I knew that he had a realtionship with Jesus and is loving heaven now...but it took awhile to comprehend this...he dies 4 6 08 and I am just coming to terms with this now! I do know that he is in such a glorious and most awesome place! Its so understandable that you would have questions about God but I do believe he has an awesome plan and life ahead for you...just dont totallly give up on believing in HIM!!! He is holding your kids so tight and loving them more than you could ever imagine! You are a special person and I pray for you often!
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. The one of having no teeth. It's pure powerlessness. I don't know what happens to us Amy but I know that Kate and Peter were life in it's most pure form. I know that you are their mama and that you always will be.
ReplyDeleteAmy--You know alot of my thoughts and ideas on this subject of death/spirituality/afterlife, but the one that seems to have the most proof and logic to me (for when faith is not always enough) is the idea that we are all pure energy. And even though this doesn't have a warm and fuzzy feeling to it.....energy is neither created nor destroyed. So, we all go on forever. It just is. This idea has come to feel to me like a universal truth...and I find comfort in that. I don't know all the details about how it all looks/feels (I wish I knew the difference between soul and spirit as well), but I feel there is no question about life going on after death and that Kate and Peter are definitely around you. It helps me too to be able to ask Lori about them....they were helping us pick out some more stuff for the theme basket and we were in the candy aisle. It's a weird and funny experience when Lori is hearing things and then tells me...apparently she heard them say, "GUM!!" really loudly. THis made me laugh because I could remember how much Kate loved it...I wasn't as sure about Peter, but we had gotten some chocolate kisses for him : ) So, I know it's easy to doubt things because this is such an unreal situation at times....but they really are around--their spirit/soul/essence/energy...whatever it is....it is definitely them and their love for you and for life can always be felt with them. love you.
ReplyDeleteamy...you need to find your own version of what comes next. it will come with time. my father died when i was in high school. i remember each day, week and month after his death i kept a silent calendar in my head thinking backwards on how long it had been since i talked to him, gave him a kiss, smelled his fuzzy face. i too kept every stinking thing i had left of his--including a receipt they found with his things after he died--the last thing he touched? all these memories became my future and my quiet survival technique.
ReplyDeletepeople come into our lives for a reason and help make us who we are--death is a reminder that we aren't the ones in control. i don't know who is, but i no longer care. i live my life in honor of the people who made me who i am (i sometimes use them as an excuse too;)...i hope you will find a way to do that too. at some point, you will realize their energy is inside you and not attached to the things they left behind (although i do think the quilt is a great idea.)
i don't know you, but i wish you only peace and strength in the days ahead. take care of yourself.
Fantastic comments. Mine will seem pithy in comparison :-). I have the same fear now and then - what if, when we die, we just die. Too much in life refutes that, though. We are thinking, FEELING beings - the whole miracle of birth thing and beyond (the simple letdown reflex - when you hear a baby cry, your milk lets down - probably tmi, but... kinda mystical, right? A lot physical, but...),... the connections we make that are far out of the physical realm.
ReplyDeleteFor my entire life, I have been fascinated by the after life - ghosts, etc. I need proof. When a number of my friends died recently (within months of eachother), my mother told me that they would walk into heaven together and they would not be alone, and.... well - I'm just not sure. I have only felt the presence of one of these friends since then - pretty strong - though, is it just an enhanced memory, an interior monologue that I've created?? - I don't know. Also, I have "experienced" my wonderful Dad MANY times since his death three years ago - pretty tangible incidents - enough to get my skeptical husband's attention; however, no one else in my family has (important to note here that, as a child, my mother did have an experience with her grandmother after her death and has told me that she has seen the family cat since he died - and Mom is a pretty direct and stable woman :-) - just nothing from my Dad - but she is OPEN to such things). So ... I guess, based on these stories, we all WANT to be believers, and we look for answers and signs absolutely everywhere and in everything.
There is a lot that goes unexplained, however. I mean - just we women and our often uncanny 6th Sense - intutition - whatever; the Chinese Lunar Calendar (it is NEVER wrong in predicting a baby's gender - unless you use it wrong - most people enter their actual age instead of their own lunar age which would be from conception); the accuracy of I-Ching; the stories that nurses tell about dying patients and the voices and energies in the room with them that they respond to; doors that slam by themselves, red rose bushes that grow white flowers weeks after the owner's death - odd, mystical, really cool (I told you - pithy ;-) things that happen..... even that woman that the show "Medium" is based on - she is gentle and credible, but.... does she really communicate with those in the after life? Inconceivable, eh? I love the idea of my naughty friend, Melinda, regaling my proper friend, Audrey, with off color stories as they sit and sip coffee in heaven - or my Dad talking to Joe Strummer and telling him how much I liked the Clash in middle school. I just don't know... I think there is definitely something out there ....
I, too, keep bits of paper with my Dad's handwriting on it or the harmonica he played for my son when he was a baby, an email from my friend, Audrey - I mean, in some way, their energy is still attached to such things, but... the memories, the things we experienced with them and still carry with us are...well... just the best, aren't they? Missing people is hard, but I do think they are with us .... just up for individual interpretation.
This is what I believe...
ReplyDeleteWhen you die, you don't die at all you just move on to another place...call it heaven or whatever you'd like. It's calm, you're at peace, you're greeted by generations of family you've never known...but they've seen you grow up from that other place. You aren't scared, you're at peace. You're still here, in dreams, in thoughts, in memories, people never die...they just move on. It's always easier to leave than to be left behind...
As a child I've seen family members I've never even met in my dreams. My grandfather recently passed away, and I've seen him in my dreams as well...and he let me know that he is happy, healthy, and with family. Death is sad for those of us that are left behind, but those who move on are at peace. I know it to be true.
Pay attention to your dreams and your surroundings, they will let you know they're with you always! You just have to keep your head clear and an open mind... They want you to be happy, they're okay...
I just saw your blog on Post-Gazette.com, it is beautiful...I'm definitely one of the people forever changed by your blog (yes, I was crying). I have to say I haven't had too many people close to me pass, so I can't feel your pain - though, that is why I feel God may be ready to unleash some death on me and always have this feeling that I have to keep a closer eye on my kids, three girls ages 18,6,4. I can tell you a psychic (Tamar George, from Dormont - read her book, you'll love it) passed a site along to me called the Michael Teachings - you are definitely ready for it if you have not looked into it yet. On there I found someone named Karen Murphy (Polarisrising), and she has a great blog, bad parenting without a manual on Work It Moms, kinda sounds like yours, you may like it. Stay strong, you have found a great outlet and I will be following you and donating for your playground - it will be wonderful! There has to be more after this, why else would there be so much suffering here - we learn more each life and your kids will be with you in your next - maybe they will be your parents, lol.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt lost her son a few years ago..she created a beautiful blog that may help you.
ReplyDeletehttp://makingitbetter.typepad.com/making-it-better/2010/05/sewing-blog.html
I believe that everyone's Heaven is based on how they would spend their perfect day or what their version of paradise is. So maybe right now Peter is in Paris chowing down on a baguette, and maybe Kate's onstage singing with Miley Cyrus. Either way, I think they're both out there, having an amazing time.
ReplyDeleteHi I'm Gypsy also a psychic and tarot reader also I study symbolism in just about everything, dreams,cards life etc. Heres a few things I found to help you maybe understand your dreams
ReplyDeleteyour dreams are trying to show you that you're harboring deep anxiety and fears it also indicates that there is something you need to learn from others the dreams are telling you to pay attention on things around you.
I'm very touched by your story, being a mother myself, I don't know how strong I could be losing any of my children. They where here to teach you something for a reason. We all are born on this earth for a reason and when we are done we move on, your children are not gone, they will always be with you and they love you do not hold any regret to what happened for everything has a place and a time and we all have a learning to do, just sometimes some of those lessons are hard to even comprehend and we don't understand them but in the in when it is our time, we will understand. Your children where beautiful souls and they are always by you, touching your hand or your hair..
Im a stranger and you don't know me, but I am here for you if you need a friend...Love & Light