Thursday, September 24, 2009

how honest can i be?

Writing this blog has been so helpful in so many ways, however I've noticed recently that I'm starting to be more careful and critical of what I write. When I first started blogging I made a disclaimer that I was going to be honest and uncensored, but that hasn't proved to be as easy as it sounded. For example, I thought twice (or thrice or four times) before publishing my 'tuesday night' post. It felt very negative and I have this need to always find something positive to say, but honestly, this is a shitty situation. I don't feel positive most of the time.

I'm also aware that what I write can cause people to worry about me. The purpose of this blog is not to elicit reactions or comments (though as I've said in the past, all of your comments are welcomed and extremely helpful) but to give me an outlet for what I'm thinking, feeling and experiencing. It will also hopefully help others to understand what grief is like...while someone is going through it...not in retrospect.

So let me just share this...for those of you who care about me and worry about me.

First of all, I appreciate everyone's love and concern, so don't think I don't want you do contact me, email me, call me, ask how I'm doing. Please do.

Secondly, I'm both ok and not ok. I think, given the circumstances, I am holding my own, functioning as a regular person...most of the time. However, there are times, many of them, in which I freak out....scream, cry, punch things, wish I had some illegal drugs to abuse and wish I could cease to exist. Which brings me to...

Lastly, I think a major concern of many people is that I may hit bottom and try to kill myself. I have struggled with depression in the past and felt close to suicidal. However, with this ginormous tragedy I have experienced a huge shift of the spiritual kind. I haven't become religious or anything like that, but as I continue to search and grow spiritually I also continue to try to figure out where exactly my kids may be (not that I think I can pin them down to a specific location). At this point I believe they are here, but in some other dimension or plane of consciousness. I can tell you all, with absolute certainty, that I will never, ever kill myself because of the fear that doing so may take me somewhere other than where my kids are. I'm just not gonna take that risk. So to make a long story short (too late, I know) you don't have to worry about that. Just sayin.

So back to the honesty and uncensored thing...I do question how honest and real I can be. I had a rather difficult experience earlier today that I would like to write about, but it was so fucked up that I think "can people really handle reading that?" I'm still deciding.

On a lighter note, what makes this blog sometimes difficult to write is that every one of my English teachers periodically pops into my head to tell me to correct my grammar or punctuation. I do my best to ignore them, but I have to say, they make me laugh. I guess they did teach me a few things afterall.


  1. One of those very wise teachers also taught us that "life can't be wrapped up into neat little packages." That didn't make much sense to me at 16 or 17, but I get it now. Do what feels right and real. Your candor is what touches me most.


  2. I don't know you but I encourage you to write about the dark moments and the dark places. I have had moments that were very dark for different reasons. But when I read your blog and you acknowledge the existence of dark thoughts I find it helpful to know that I am not alone. I think that you will work through your pain if you face it, acknowledge it and are honest with it. Don't pander to others--don't try to take care of them by being stoic. You have been through hell and then some. You are entitled to be angry, sad, depressed for however long it takes to journey back. Experiencing those feelings does not show a lack of strength. It shows that you a real person.

  3. let it all hang out....all of it...utilize this forum to the fullest. not for nosy people who may want to read it but for you!

  4. This is about you and your journey. You need not make any apologies, it is in your grief when you are the most real and you censoring yourself may take away from your processing this whole horrific situation. The only person you answer to at the end of the day is yourself. When I counsel one of the things that seems to always need mentioned is "it's ok to be hurt, mad, sad, completely pissed off..etc.." That permission that whatever feeling they are experiencing is totally natural and real to them and it's ok. No one needs to give permission for someone to have their write away and don't let anyone deter you from what you so rightfully deserve....peace of mind.

  5. Amy,
    My cousin was killed in a car accident when I was 6. I remember little things about him - like how he taught me how to blow a bubble with bubble gum, that is probably the only real memory I have of him. I remember my mother telling me what had happened, and I remember the funeral. However, I was too young to really know the impact that it had on the whole family. I have talked to my mother a lot about these things lately and she has filled me in on all of the ways that it impacted the family, and how it brought everyone together. I will never be able to comprehend what you are going through, but reading this has given me some insight into what my family has gone through. I do know that we can talk about Mike and see his pictures and we have all come out of it affected in some way, but everyone is really O.K. I don't know if that is helpful at all or if I am just rambling. I hope that you are able to continue to talk about your journey through all of this, and please don't censor yourself.
    -Jenn O.

  6. Hmm... I do struggle with the honesty level of my blog too - and... have deleted a post (once) when my husband expressed some personal concern over an outside party (nothing like being cryptic, eh?). I think that your honesty may help you and others in similar situations to yours. That said - you don't want to have to worry about causing panic in others, right (if anything - just to keep your own stress level down)? After what you have been through, it would not be unusual for you to feel like punching, screaming, etc. - and it is not unusual to have analyzed your spirituality and your thoughts on suicide either. Most people can't fathom your loss and, so, can't get that yet .. but will.... and will try. If your honesty is therapeutic to you and helps others understand your journey, then I say, too - please don't censor yourself - at all. And I think your little beauties are here too. I think their friends, teachers, relatives would agree. Dumb story du jour - every night, my friend, Melinda and I would chat (she was in NYC - I was here) and kvetch about our trying lives with babies - I had two boys a year apart and she had twins - all toddlers / infants, right? When she died, leaving her babies behind, I lost her voice, her support, etc. - everything - for a while. Now, she's back. I hear her every night in my sub-conscious - whatever - as I wash the freakin" dinner dishes and deal with my wild bunch :-). I even find myself mentally reminding her that - "but sweetie, you had live-in help, for God's sake!" Anyway - I lost two other friends too (same group of gals - very odd - all within about a year), and I don't hear them as much, despite our closeness over the years. Strange the bonds we create .... sooo lasting and real. Keep taking care of yourself and keep blogging!

  7. Amy, whatever you have to do, but don't censor. I'm so sorry if I (or anyone else for that matter) has made you feel like you need to worry about what you write. We can handle whatever you need to say. If you can stand up straight and breathe each breath without fail after what you have been through, we can certainly handle hearing it.
    Have I ever worried about your will to continue with your life? ....yes, absolutely. But really, that's because I can't imagine MYSELF ever being able to survive the loss of Tyler and Hailey. I can't put myself in to your shoes because the fear that grips me is so impossible to overcome. I don't want to be in your shoes just as much as I don't want YOU to be dealing with this either. But, please, don't do it without utilizing whatever outlet works for you. Screw all of us and our feelings. We don't matter. If we are here, then we can take it. You just let it out when you need to, in whatever way you need to.

  8. Say what you need to say, however much or little feels right. You can always draft a post and wait a few days before posting to see how it feels/you feel.

    I am sure I speak for many people when I say I do feel better knowing that you would never try to take your own life. Of course this is not about making any of us feel better, but many of us do worry, as you know.

  9. Please stay honest, even if it's cynical and feels like the ugliest thing that could be written. Your candor and transparency will help you through all of this. Then again what do I know! I came across your blog through a mutual friend of ours. I have suffered loss as well, not my children, so it is different, but still very painful and I want to thank you for sharing something that is so private and allowing me, a stranger, to walk with you in support. So many of the things you have written have helped me in my own journey, grief isn't neat and pretty. Nothing you say is going to scare us away from supporting you. Don't sanitize it for us.