Writing this blog has been so helpful in so many ways, however I've noticed recently that I'm starting to be more careful and critical of what I write. When I first started blogging I made a disclaimer that I was going to be honest and uncensored, but that hasn't proved to be as easy as it sounded. For example, I thought twice (or thrice or four times) before publishing my 'tuesday night' post. It felt very negative and I have this need to always find something positive to say, but honestly, this is a shitty situation. I don't feel positive most of the time.
I'm also aware that what I write can cause people to worry about me. The purpose of this blog is not to elicit reactions or comments (though as I've said in the past, all of your comments are welcomed and extremely helpful) but to give me an outlet for what I'm thinking, feeling and experiencing. It will also hopefully help others to understand what grief is like...while someone is going through it...not in retrospect.
So let me just share this...for those of you who care about me and worry about me.
First of all, I appreciate everyone's love and concern, so don't think I don't want you do contact me, email me, call me, etc...to ask how I'm doing. Please do.
Secondly, I'm both ok and not ok. I think, given the circumstances, I am holding my own, functioning as a regular person...most of the time. However, there are times, many of them, in which I freak out....scream, cry, punch things, wish I had some illegal drugs to abuse and wish I could cease to exist. Which brings me to...
Lastly, I think a major concern of many people is that I may hit bottom and try to kill myself. I have struggled with depression in the past and felt close to suicidal. However, with this ginormous tragedy I have experienced a huge shift of the spiritual kind. I haven't become religious or anything like that, but as I continue to search and grow spiritually I also continue to try to figure out where exactly my kids may be (not that I think I can pin them down to a specific location). At this point I believe they are here, but in some other dimension or plane of consciousness. I can tell you all, with absolute certainty, that I will never, ever kill myself because of the fear that doing so may take me somewhere other than where my kids are. I'm just not gonna take that risk. So to make a long story short (too late, I know) you don't have to worry about that. Just sayin.
So back to the honesty and uncensored thing...I do question how honest and real I can be. I had a rather difficult experience earlier today that I would like to write about, but it was so fucked up that I think "can people really handle reading that?" I'm still deciding.
On a lighter note, what makes this blog sometimes difficult to write is that every one of my English teachers periodically pops into my head to tell me to correct my grammar or punctuation. I do my best to ignore them, but I have to say, they make me laugh. I guess they did teach me a few things afterall.