Tuesday, September 22, 2009

it's tuesday night....

and on a Tuesday night I should be helping my kids with their homework, making them take baths, then doing snack and a story with them before trying to talk them into going to bed.

Snack and a story is a tradition that started when Kate was a baby. When she was still drinking formula out of bottles or milk out of sippy cups, we would read her a story while she had her last bottle or cup of milk before bed. As she grew older and Peter came into the picture, the milk turned into a snack and the story turned into stories. But it was a tradition...the one thing that, no matter how crazy and overscheduled our days were, we always did to wind down before bedtime. These pictures were taken soon after Kate got her first (and only, as it turns out) real camera, during a particularly silly snack and a story.

As I look at these pictures, I still think "Really? Are you sure they're not coming back?" I truly think my brain will never accept this. I don't buy it. They can't be gone!

Then as reality attempts to make itself clear to me I think "it's just not fucking fair!!!" They are my babies who I love more than anything in the world so they can't be gone! And if they're not here...then why the fuck am I?

My greatest defense mechanism up to this point has been distraction. I have managed to stay so busy that I have virtually no time to think. So far, it has worked. Unfortunately, my body has decided it's not down with that mode of operation anymore. I've noticed that for the past couple of weeks I have been exhausted, gotten numerous headaches and just generally felt like crap. I fear my body is telling me to slow down. But I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that as I start to do less, therefore thinking and feeling more, it's gonna get ugly...as it has on this random Tuesday night. I don't want depression and hopelessness to set in, though they most likely will. "I just want them back" is the thought that repeatedly goes through my mind. If I can have them back everything will be ok. I get it now, I'll be a better mom, I will tell them I love them constantly and I'll never, ever, ever, ever take them for granted.

One of the positive things that has happened as a result of this tragedy is that many people have told me they have a new perspective on life, that they realize what's really important. I'm honestly glad something good has come out of this, I only wish I could be one of those people learning this lesson from someone else's loss. I don't wish this on anyone, I just unwish it on me. I don't want to be the example that everyone else can learn from. I want to hug my kids a little tighter every night and spend more time completely focused on them because I saw what happened to someone else. I'm not really sure I'm strong enough to handle this. And even if I am strong enough, I just don't want to.

Unfortunately, I know in my rational mind that there is no going back, no unwishing, no undoing. The only way out of this is through it. Ugh.


  1. Amy, you and I never really met although I think we may have volunteered at the same yoga class at ECS once. Every time I think of you and your kids my mind instantly goes to the unwishing, undoing place. I ran into your blog and started reading it just a short time ago but based on your words, which are so honest, I'm pretty sure you always hugged them tight enough. I read that you worry that the kids will be forgotten and on that note, I thought I'd share - My son, Cameron, was in Kate's class. We were looking at the yearbook the other day and he saw Kate's picture. "Hmm", he said, "I miss her, and I bet her Mom misses her". He then said, "I won't ever forget about her either". I asked why - "Well, because she was funny and she was good, and everyone liked her." I just thought you'd like to hear that. I wish I could offer you more comfort. As far as strength, I'm humbled by you. You get up each day and you press on, whatever way you have to. You're stronger than you think you are.

  2. Aimee,
    Thank you so much for sharing that story. It makes me happy to know that Kate and Peter's friends still think about them. I also feel so proud when I hear what Cameron thought of Kate. Thanks again,

  3. Amy,
    Hailey told me the other night that she didn't think it was fair of her to have a birthday party since Peter and Kate can't be there. There's no way in hell that those two will ever be forgotten. The serendipity of our friendship and that of our children's will forever be something to cherish.

  4. I think about you all the time...literally all the time. Mundane mom things....things my kids say that drive me bonkers...before I respond those sweet faces pop in my head. Yesterday while sitting in line at Dunkin Donuts, Ben was shouting his order (which had changed last minute of course as it always does) at me while I am sitting at that lovely microphone there. My first instinct was to yell at him or shoot him a look but I noticed out of the corner of my eye a KPP sticker on someone's van in front of me. Did it really matter that Ben was on my last nerve that second?? Nope. So I let him have that high fructose corn syrup Coolatta instead of the chocolate milk we had agreed on 38 seconds earlier. Things like that happen every day in our lives. The tree at Beulah reminds me of how precious they are and mine are. I let Ben wear whatever he wants to school. I used to fight with him but really-- what does it matter? I'd like to think that I have lightened up on the things that don't matter and toughened up on the things that do. Making memories, relishing small moments, those things matter now. Because of Kate and Peter, my children will live better lives. Not much of a comfort for you when all you want is to hold them again is it? For that I will always wonder why these things happen. How these things happen. It isn't fair. Not one itty bit part of it is fair.

  5. LOVE this. The photos - your words - speak volumes. We have a similar routine in our household, and I cherish every moment. Sounds cliched, but... you are inspiring, Amy. I have come a few weeks late to your blog, so... as I do household stuff and play with my kids, I'm reading, reading, reading (and making random comments like a crazy person :-). You and your children have changed how I view the hectic and "mundane" now. And... it's not fucking fair for you - AT ALL. Kate and Peter should be here. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful life with them. You and your kids are really helping others live life as it should be lived. Really - sending good karma - all I can do right now....

  6. God bless you, Amy.

    You are an amazing person.
    Peter and Kate are always with you, and are so proud of you. Of this, I am sure.

    Hang in there.