this is one of those days where i simply feel bad. some days i'm fine, some days even approach being good. not today. today i just want to cry...and i'm at work so i can't. well, i could, but everyone else would feel uncomfortable. and i just realized that it's been five months...five months since i've seen my kids. that's somewhat inconceivable.
it's weird...i don't cry very often anymore - mostly because i won't let myself. when i start to cry i sometimes think i may never stop...so i just don't go there. when i do cry it's different than any type of crying i've ever experienced before. obviously the tears emerge from my eyes, but it feels like they originate in the pit of my stomach. it's almost like throwing up - this involuntary expulsion of stuff that i can't control. that may be tmi. sorry.
i had a strange dream last night. the first thing i remember is being in an auditorium full of people i knew. i completely lost it. i basically laid down on the floor and wept, almost like i was having a temper tantrum. it's probably the way i need to let go, but i won't. everyone around was very understanding and supportive. they didn't think i was nuts for behaving that way.
the next thing i remember was driving a friend's car. i was traveling on an off-ramp which was elevated over a city (kinda like the skyway in buffalo) when i crashed. the car went off the road, over the guard rail and dropped down into the city. i fell out the window so i didn't plummet to my death. my only injuries were lost and damaged teeth (no idea what that's about). i was pissed that i didn't die.
my new and latest fear is this: what if when we die we're just dead? it may seem odd that i could think this, given my earlier posts, but who knows? yes, i've had experiences where i've felt my kids or 'heard' them communicating with me, but what if that's just wishful thinking? what if it isn't real?! i want proof! undeniable, concrete, tangible proof.
i would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what happens to us when we die...and why you believe what you believe. when i'm feeling more positive than i am right now, i believe our soul/spirits go on. (does anyone know the difference between a soul and a spirit? maybe i'll google that)
long ago i believed in the traditional heaven and hell scenario, but now i'm not too sure about that. based on more recent experiences and readings, i lean more toward the ideas of reincarnation and different planes or dimensions of existence or consciousness. i know that's pretty vague, but i'll try to go into greater detail later...maybe when i have a more formed opinion.
i really do welcome anyone and everyone's thoughts, as i appreciate all of your comments thus far. even though i don't always respond to the comments, you have no idea how much comfort i find in reading what you all have written. thank you!
