Another dream...

Lately Kate has been on my mind all the time. It's weird how sometimes I think more about Peter, sometimes more about Kate. I guess I go through phases. Sometimes I feel that one of them is around me, sometimes I feel they're both around. But for the past few weeks, it's mostly been Kate.

I've been hearing songs that remind me of her almost constantly, especially songs that were on the radio when I was pregnant with her nine years ago. (It's hard to believe she would be turning 9 in a few months - she didn't even make it to 7.) Over the past two weeks I've heard the song "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton just about everyday - both on the radio in my car and on Pandora. I distinctly remember hearing this song on my way to a prenatal appointment when I was very, very pregnant.




It's not like that song is climbing back up the charts, so why I hear it all the time I don't know. I do have to say that as I listen to that song again, the line "If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me/us by?" strikes me. I think there's something to that - but I don't know what.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Kate a lot and last night she was in my dream. I'm almost reluctant to call it a dream because it felt so real. She came to visit me for a weekend. It turns out that she hadn't died, but had been living in Buffalo with her dad since the accident.

I was so confused because how could I not know she was alive?! She had grown - she looked older and acted way more mature. She was different too. She had lost some of her spunk. She had been in the accident that killed her brother and she was afraid to be in a car. She was also afraid to upset anyone, and went along with everything everyone else said.

For example, I took her to get ice cream and she had no flavor preference. Whatever I thought she should have was what she wanted. I asked her if she wanted to see her friends and she said, "if you think I should". It was like she was afraid to have an opinion or a need. It was like my little girl had lost her will to live.

Regardless of her state of mind, I was determined to get her back and to help her enjoy her life again. I was going to call her school and enroll her the following day - I knew she'd be excited about that. I talked to her dad and he agreed that she should be living with me since he worked a lot and I was able to be home. I was so sad that she hadn't been able to come to my wedding, but so excited that she was alive! It was just so real.

I kept thinking about my blog and how it says that "this is the story of my life and journey after the death of my kids" but only one of my kids had died. How could I have made such a mistake?!! And what about Peter? How did he die when Kate hadn't?

Right now I feel like I'm in a fog, like I don't know what is real. This dream has thrown me off a little.

I guess it was bittersweet. It was wonderful to feel like I got to spend some time with my "little worm", but sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream. And sad when I realized how sad she was.

It felt too real to just be a dream. Maybe I need to go back to bed.

And Kate, just so you know, I would absolutely walk a thousand miles to see you again. I'd walk a million.

another dream...

So I just woke up from a dream that my kids were back, at least temporarily. In my dream it was Wednesday night (which would be tonight) and I did get to help them with their homework and do snack and a story with them. It was really nice, even if it was only a dream.

5 months and counting...

this is one of those days where i simply feel bad. some days i'm fine, some days even approach being good. not today. today i just want to cry...and i'm at work so i can't. well, i could, but everyone else would feel uncomfortable. and i just realized that it's been five months...five months since i've seen my kids. that's somewhat inconceivable.

it's weird...i don't cry very often anymore - mostly because i won't let myself. when i start to cry i sometimes think i may never stop...so i just don't go there. when i do cry it's different than any type of crying i've ever experienced before. obviously the tears emerge from my eyes, but it feels like they originate in the pit of my stomach. it's almost like throwing up - this involuntary expulsion of stuff that i can't control. that may be tmi. sorry.

i had a strange dream last night. the first thing i remember is being in an auditorium full of people i knew. i completely lost it. i basically laid down on the floor and wept, almost like i was having a temper tantrum. it's probably the way i need to let go, but i won't. everyone around was very understanding and supportive. they didn't think i was nuts for behaving that way.

the next thing i remember was driving a friend's car. i was traveling on an off-ramp which was elevated over a city (kinda like the skyway in buffalo) when i crashed. the car went off the road, over the guard rail and dropped down into the city. i fell out the window so i didn't plummet to my death. my only injuries were lost and damaged teeth (no idea what that's about). i was pissed that i didn't die.

my new and latest fear is this: what if when we die we're just dead? it may seem odd that i could think this, given my earlier posts, but who knows? yes, i've had experiences where i've felt my kids or 'heard' them communicating with me, but what if that's just wishful thinking? what if it isn't real?! i want proof! undeniable, concrete, tangible proof.

i would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what happens to us when we die...and why you believe what you believe. when i'm feeling more positive than i am right now, i believe our soul/spirits go on. (does anyone know the difference between a soul and a spirit? maybe i'll google that)

long ago i believed in the traditional heaven and hell scenario, but now i'm not too sure about that. based on more recent experiences and readings, i lean more toward the ideas of reincarnation and different planes or dimensions of existence or consciousness. i know that's pretty vague, but i'll try to go into greater detail later...maybe when i have a more formed opinion.

i really do welcome anyone and everyone's thoughts, as i appreciate all of your comments thus far. even though i don't always respond to the comments, you have no idea how much comfort i find in reading what you all have written. thank you!