Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Another dream...

Lately Kate has been on my mind all the time. It's weird how sometimes I think more about Peter, sometimes more about Kate. I guess I go through phases. Sometimes I feel that one of them is around me, sometimes I feel they're both around. But for the past few weeks, it's mostly been Kate.

I've been hearing songs that remind me of her almost constantly, especially songs that were on the radio when I was pregnant with her nine years ago. (It's hard to believe she would be turning 9 in a few months - she didn't even make it to 7.) Over the past two weeks I've heard the song "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton just about everyday - both on the radio in my car and on Pandora. I distinctly remember hearing this song on my way to a prenatal appointment when I was very, very pregnant.

It's not like that song is climbing back up the charts, so why I hear it all the time I don't know. I do have to say that as I listen to that song again, the line "If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me/us by?" strikes me. I think there's something to that - but I don't know what.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Kate a lot and last night she was in my dream. I'm almost reluctant to call it a dream because it felt so real. She came to visit me for a weekend. It turns out that she hadn't died, but had been living in Buffalo with her dad since the accident.

I was so confused because how could I not know she was alive?! She had grown - she looked older and acted way more mature. She was different too. She had lost some of her spunk. She had been in the accident that killed her brother and she was afraid to be in a car. She was also afraid to upset anyone, and went along with everything everyone else said.

For example, I took her to get ice cream and she had no flavor preference. Whatever I thought she should have was what she wanted. I asked her if she wanted to see her friends and she said, "if you think I should". It was like she was afraid to have an opinion or a need. It was like my little girl had lost her will to live.

Regardless of her state of mind, I was determined to get her back and to help her enjoy her life again. I was going to call her school and enroll her the following day - I knew she'd be excited about that. I talked to her dad and he agreed that she should be living with me since he worked a lot and I was able to be home. I was so sad that she hadn't been able to come to my wedding, but so excited that she was alive! It was just so real.

I kept thinking about my blog and how it says that "this is the story of my life and journey after the death of my kids" but only one of my kids had died. How could I have made such a mistake?!! And what about Peter? How did he die when Kate hadn't?

Right now I feel like I'm in a fog, like I don't know what is real. This dream has thrown me off a little.

I guess it was bittersweet. It was wonderful to feel like I got to spend some time with my "little worm", but sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream. And sad when I realized how sad she was.

It felt too real to just be a dream. Maybe I need to go back to bed.

And Kate, just so you know, I would absolutely walk a thousand miles to see you again. I'd walk a million.


  1. There is an energy that creates that type of serendipity - songs, sights, feelings - and it is driven by something very real.

  2. Ugh, just left a long comment and it wasn't accepted. Something is up with Google... Anyway, just want you to know that I do believe with all my heart that Kate and Peter are happy... I don't think for a second that she is sad. She might be a little sad that you are so sad... but where she is - there is infinite joy. I have had dreams like that before that are so vivid and real... I do think that it is our loved ones coming to us to tell us something. Maybe your dream was really a reflection of yourself. Instead of Kate not being able to enjoy things - the spark being taken out of her - that is really how you feel about yourself since your childrens' passing. Maybe Kate's sadness in the dream was because you don't enjoy things anymore like you used to.

    No matter what... I know Kate and Peter love you so much. With their infinite wisdom, they know the exact moment that you will all meet again. And I am sure she is dancing to that song in Heaven right now.

  3. Today as I was driving to work in Homestead I sat in terrible traffic on the Parkway. As I inched along feeling frustrated, I let a car go in front of me who was merging. On the bumper of the car was a KPP bumper sticker. The rest of my car ride was a blur as I began to think of all of the wonderful memories I had of babysitting Kate and Peter. I arrived at work with a calm feeling (unlike my usual frantic feeling caused by traffic) mixed with pure gratefullness to have known Kate and Peter. I too believe that Kate and Peter are together smiling their big smiles and looking down on their mama.

  4. I guess that shows how it is somehow fitting that Kate & Peter passed on together. Amy, you know how inexorably linked they were (and are) to each other, that of course one would be sad without the other. I'm not saying that I am glad to have lost both of our children, but only that I honestly can't imagine life with only one of them in it. Kate & Peter are together forever, and someday you (and hopefully me) will be with them again.
    It was so wonderful talking with you earlier today. You are forever in my prayers! Love, "Fred"

  5. I get vivid dreams too. Like you say, they are bittersweet - afterwards, I'm not sure if they cheer my bones, or break my heart.
    I don't think they mean Kate is unhappy either - it's just you working through your grief xx

  6. Sending you love...

  7. I have been thinking about this for days now. Alot. Perhaps, Kate does feel guilty. She is in this amazing place now that the rest of us are incapbable of understanding. A place where she is free to do anything she wants, the sky isn't the limit, there are no limits to what she can do. But she would give it all up to come back to you. In doing that she would have to leave Peter behind. I imagine there would be tremendous guilt in that for a big sister. She might be reaching out to you in songs, dreams, visits because your souls are in the same place. Both of you are surrounded by people who love you. You talk often about wanting to be able to truly enjoy the trips you have taken and the places you have seen. You know that you have had some opportunities that many others haven't. You feel a sense of responsibility to appreciate them. Perhaps, Kate feels the same. Imagine what she has possibly seen and the amazing opportunities that she has probably had to do things we can only dream of. But all of that means very little when you both know what you are missing.

    Maybe I have no business making these assumptions. And I do not mean to be disrespectful in any way. When I read the post it just seemed to me that Kate is feeling a new connection to you and the guilt part of the dream stuck with me. If Kate where in your home right now and the accident had never happened she would be exposed to new experiences at school and would come to you for your advice, guidance, whatver. Just because she isn't here in the same sense, she still has experiences and she still is coming to you for guidance or even to just feel you near her. You being her mother didn't end. It just changed. She still needs you.

  8. I hope you don't think that I meant that Kate is miserable. That's not it. I just meant that she is doing amazing things that we can only dream about and I suppose that it comes with a double-edged sword. Just like the things that you have been able to do, see, and accomplish. It's bittersweet.

  9. The first thing that I thought of was that the feelings Kate had in the dream were actually your feelings/thoughts that you don't want to talk about. In the dream, Kate lost her spunk, she didn't want to have an opinion in case her decision was wrong, she lost her will to live...this sounds to me like how you've felt at times. Perhaps Kate was acting as a mirror for you in the dream?