Sunday, March 20, 2011

A whole new level of sadness...

I've been quite busy lately so, unfortunately, I haven't had much time to blog. I'm nearing the end of my quarter in school which means that this is finals week and I've overscheduled myself as usual. It's good to be busy, but only to a point. I may have crossed that line.

I'm still working on finding my kids and I've had a few encouraging experiences, but I don't have much time to write so I'll save that for later. After my finals, I'll have a week's break from school so I should have time to fill you in then.

One of the tasks I've been trying to accomplish this weekend is to transfer my home movies from a Digital 8 format to DVD. I've looked for someone who does this professionally, but I gave up on that search so, with Ken's help, I've been loading the movies onto my computer and trying to burn them that way. Unfortunately, Windows XP doesn't include a DVD burner so I either need to buy some software or just buy a separate DVD burner. Either way, it's a real pain in the ass.

When I first started importing the movies onto my computer I was excited to watch them. I've only watched a few minutes here and there over the past two years and I always thought that, while it made me sad, it was nice to see my kids having fun at Christmas or birthday parties or in whatever they were doing. In the past few days, however, I've watched a couple of hours of video and it's had a much different effect on me.

Instead of making me smile or laugh remembering how beautiful and wonderful Kate and Peter were while they were here, these videos have launched me into a whole new level of sadness. When I watch them, they look and sound so real that when I realize they're gone it's almost like living through the trauma of the accident all over again. Except this time I'm not in shock. I'm all too aware of reality.

After living through the experience of losing my kids, I've learned that being in shock is truly a gift. I honestly believe it's the only way a person can go on living and breathing after that kid of experience. The more it wears off, the harder it gets.

This is one of those moments when I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I think "How much longer do I have to be without them?!" But I don't have a choice, so I have to keep doing this. I hate that.

So for now I'm going to take some Tylenol PM (don't worry - only the recommended dose) and cry myself to sleep - which reminds me: I had another dream about Kate two nights ago. We were together doing something, I don't remember what, but it felt so real. I do remember thinking, in my dream, "Is this real or is this just a dream?" Finally I decided, "Who cares! Just enjoy it!!"

So I'm going to bed and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll hurt a little less and be able to do the things I need to do and move forward in my journey. Goodnight.


  1. You are the embodiment of Kate & Peter in this world for you brought them into it and gave them life. That is why you have been able to and will continue to find them. I am so sorry that having you do those videos for me has brought such pain. Just think, as I hope to do, that those videos are one way to remember who they ARE, and not how they died. I wish I could help more, Lady - let me know if I can.

  2. In case you still wanna transfer your Digital 8 to DVD there's a place in Trafford that I've taken all my stuff to and they do a fantastic job.

    CK1 Productions
    5 Forbes Rd
    Trafford, PA

    Hope this helps.


  3. Oh Amy - I hope you have woken up hurting a little less. Please be gentle with yourself. Photographs and videos summon up so many emotions. Sometimes they delight me - a testimony to our happy lives together - but a lot of the time, I find them too painful. I have had to put one of the recent photographs of Catherine that used to live in our sitting room away. It was just overwhelming - everytime I saw it, I would get sucked into the "Why?" questions... We loved our children so much, and we did everything we could to protect them - and we couldn't stop it happening. It is beyond hard.

    Wishing you peaceful and happy dreams - I am looking forward to hearing more abour your journey to find Kate and Peter xx

  4. You are in that stage right now where even the good memories hurt so much. It does pass. I don't know when; I don't know how. I did not lose my kids, and I can't imagine your pain, but I did lose my Dad and three close friends in a very short period of time. Some of the pain is gone - though... some memories are just not worth visiting right now, and that makes me sad. I think, in this stage, it does feel like they are lost. You no longer want to feel where they are now, so you live when they were here with us physically. And... that is so hard.

    I so wish I could help you. I think you need to take a break from your videos for a bit. Revisit that feeling you have FOR them - then, now, etc. Find them again; I know you will. You're feeling so understandably lost right now.

  5. You are always in my thoughts and prayers...

  6. Amy,
    I hope you find someone to transfer the movies for you. Then you can watch them later when you are ready. It is too painful and overwhelming right now.

  7. Hey Amy!

    Just wanted you to know we're always thinking of you and here for you. Every single day. Many prayers for you!

  8. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs. Hoping today will be a better day.

  9. Sleep well, my friend. Sorry this all sucks so much. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. We used to have a poster of a hippo completely covered with mud that said "If it feels good, do it." I think the opposite is equally valid. I hoe you will stop doing what hurts and do something that soothes you. You deserve no less and your children would want nothing else for you.

  11. You are in my heart and in my prayers. I am so terribly sad for the pain you must feel. My pain in losing my Dad was so tremendous, and I'm certain can't touch what you live with daily. Your sharing helps me to appreciate my children all the more, and hug them a little tighter at night. And to always always pray for the little souls that you've lost for now, but not forever. God Bless you in your journey and know that others care so much!

  12. I hope you are doing okay, Amy. Hopefully your finals went well and you are finding some peaceful rest. Keep swimming.

  13. Amy, I'm just getting caught up on your blog after a few months of not reading. It's been quite emotional to read through your daily ups and downs. I hope today was a good day for you.

    Also, if you're still looking to transfer your home movies, there is a place in Squirrel Hill called Rewind Memories that does that. I've used them before and was very impressed.