Sometimes it's difficult to share my true feelings without worrying what people will think when they read them. I know I've said I don't want to censor myself and that I want to keep it real, but I feel this strange responsibility to hide the really dark stuff because it might scare people.
My last post was actually written as something positive and hopeful, but I realize that some of the language seems very negative. I also realize that stating that I feel like I'm "waiting to die" might hurt some of the people that I love. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'd like to take a moment to try to explain.
At times things are bad - really, really bad. Sometimes I do fantasize about "being done" and being with my kids again, though, as I've said before, I will not kill myself. Despite these dark and desperate feelings, I'm still very grateful for all of the good in my life. I have an amazing husband and wonderful friends and family who love and support me through all of the ups and downs. I don't want anyone to think that I take any of these important people for granted.
I also realize that I'm very lucky to have the abilities and opportunities that I do, and that not everyone is as fortunate. It's hard to explain, but I am in a constant state of simultaneous joy and pain. It's just the way it is. While on the one hand I'm experiencing happiness and love, on the other hand I feel that part of my heart has been torn from my body. Both are true.
Now that I've cleared that up, or at least attempted to, I'm gonna go to bed. Thank you all for your understanding.
Completely understand and appreciate all your sharing. I know those close to you probably do worry on occasion, but you are going to feel those dark things now and then, and you are entitled to explore some of that sadness. You are bridging two extreme worlds right now - great joy and love in this physical life as well as loss and wondering what the other life is offering your kids right now - simply because they are not with you. The two worlds will meet, and you will find peace. I think you'll always have that duality in your life, though. That will be hard now and then. When it starts to get warm, btw, I think of your lovelies and the things you did with them. Your journey and theirs truly has changed the lives of many :-).
ReplyDeleteWho are we to judge which emotions are right in this situation? There is no "normal" for what you are going through. There is no book that says at this point, after the accident, you should be doing or feeling this or that. And your experience, your emotions, will not be the same as other people who have lost their own children.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful that you let it all out--the good, the bad, and the ugly. This blog is not meant for just the triumphs in your life, or those moments where you feel a connection from your children. It's about getting through the next day, and finding the strength to get out of bed.
I believe you when you say you won't hurt yourself. It's much healthier for you to write down your feelings outloud than to bottle them up and be alone with them.
Amy, I have no advice because I don't know what it could be like for you. But, know that you are an amazing, strong woman, and that you will find your children in this world, somehow.
Amy, just be honest and yourself, this is a tool for you to use to heal and keep in touch with friends and family. I understand in my own way what you say about being happy and sad at the same time. Lucky for what you have and still really sad for the loss you feel. You just want your kids with you through your milestones and theirs and since their not there every milestone you have your sad. I understand and the way I deal is I just let myself feel that emotion and cry and go into a private location and commune with my dad who died when I was young. I still talk with him daily. I believe that one day soon I will be with him and he'll get to meet my family and I'll get that hug I never got. And that time is short compared to the time I'll be with him. So I am enjoying the time here and living life so that we have lots of years worth of memories to discuss. And Living life for my dad whose years were cut short. Good Luck on your journey Amy do whatever feels right to help you live. Your amazing. You can do it even when it feels like you can't. :-)
ReplyDeleteyou are amazing...you are going through something that i as a mother cannot even begin to comprehend! I get the "waiting to die" comment. I would probably feel the same way! You are handling yourself in a genuine way!! Never apologize for being yourself!! May God Bless you EVERYDAY!!!
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteYour life journey is only one that you can completely understand. Although we all try to imagine what you are going through, we can not really know everything that you must endure daily. Whether it is dark and desperate or looking at the glass half full I am certain that we will only admire and be inspired by you more. "This world is not my permanent home" that is something I remind myself when situations are difficult or hopeless. In the mean time I hope you get many "Peter Loves Katie" encouragements along the way. Just keep going!
I completely understood your last post. Totally and completely. I have also started reading Thanh's book and it is amazing. It definitely turns our notions of death on its head. Even though I have always felt that we move on to a different plane of existence, the way he phrases things totally makes me believe that unequivocally.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with searching for your children. They are there waiting for you!