I have to find them.

This is one of those posts which, after reading, you will surely think I've crossed the crazy line or lost my mind. Both may be true. So be it.

Here's the thing: every day I wake up and think "I can't do this another day. I cannot continue to go on without them. I have no real purpose or identity anymore and I just wanna be done." Then I get out of bed and try to find a way to pass the time (it's not like I don't have plenty of things I should be doing, I just don't feel like doing any of them). Inevitably I start feeling like my life is one big game of "waiting to die", which could take a long time since I'm only 36.

So today I decided I'm going try something else. I'm gonna try to find them. (hint: this is where the crazy comes in) But seriously, if Thich Nhat Hanh was right and, as quoted in my last post, "you have never been born and you can never die" then they have to be somewhere, right? I mean, if all of the non-coincidences that have occurred in my life since they died are real, then they are somewhere, trying to communicate, and reaching out to me.

I need to explain that on most days I do believe that all of the non-coincidences are real, and that people don't die, they just move on to a different reality. However, sometimes I'm a true skeptic and I worry that when you're dead you're just dead - which means I may never see them again. Those are the days I want to jump off a bridge.

In order to prevent any bridge jumping, I'm going to embark on a journey. I'm going to read and study and meditate and do whatever it is I need to do to find out where they are and how I can communicate regularly. I have to.

I mean, any mother who "lost" her children - like in the mall or the grocery store - would search until she found them, right? She wouldn't just say, "Oh well, I guess I'll never see them again." Well, I'm a mom and I'm going to find my kids. For me it'll be a little harder because as much as I'd like to periodically pretend that they're just "lost" or sleeping or at school, I know that in reality they suffered fatal injuries in a car accident. (I'm trying not to say they died - because if you can't be born and you can't die, then they didn't actually die. See where I'm going with that?)

I have to imagine this journey won't be easy and that sometimes I'll want to give up, but I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. And really, what other choice do I have? Bridge jumping. I'm just sayin.

As soon as I figure out what my first step will be, I'll let you know. I've read a few interesting books since April of 2009, so I'll probably go back and reread them. The one that sticks out is called "Love Never Dies" by Sandy Goodman. Ken gave me that book at a time when I wanted to throw any book about grief through the window or at the person who gave it to me. But that book was different.

From what I remember, Sandy started a similar journey and did whatever she could to find a way to communicate with her son who had passed on. I need to reread to remember the details; I'm one of those people who simply cannot retain information I've read, or remember movies for that matter. I could watch the same movie 5 times and be surprised, every time, by the ending. I'm kinda like a goldfish. But I digress.

I will be sure to keep you posted about what I learn and where this journey takes me. I'm a little excited. And I feel hopeful, which in and of itself, feels good.