Well I've unsuccessfully tried everything I can think of to escape reality - distraction (staying busy), avoidance (sleeping), escape (traveling) and just plain ol' denial. I guess it's not gonna work. There is no escaping. No matter what I do, they're still gone. It's been six months today...and frighteningly enough, it's starting to feel normal.
I just spent a week with six of my closest friends on a fabulous tropical island. It truly was a perfect vacation. Great weather, a beautiful resort and wonderful people to spend time with. I tried my best to enjoy it and did experience moments of joy and laughter. However, the thought in the back of my mind every second of every day was "my kids are dead, how can my kids be dead".
Maybe it will always be this way. I question if I will ever know true happiness again without them here with me. I'm sure part of the problem is I won't allow myself to experience happiness, because somehow it seems like a betrayal of them. Even though it's not, it still seems that way. Countless people have told me, "they would want you to be happy". They're probably right. I guess I don't want me to be happy.
One of the most difficult things about traveling in the last 6 months was coming home and finding that Kate and Peter aren't here. It's not that I really expected them to be here, but it has felt so strange being in my house or my car without them. This trip was different. For the first time, coming home to an empty house felt normal. That's disturbing.