Well I've unsuccessfully tried everything I can think of to escape reality - distraction (staying busy), avoidance (sleeping), escape (traveling) and just plain ol' denial. I guess it's not gonna work. There is no escaping. No matter what I do, they're still gone. It's been six months today...and frighteningly enough, it's starting to feel normal.
I just spent a week with six of my closest friends on a fabulous tropical island. It truly was a perfect vacation. Great weather, a beautiful resort and wonderful people to spend time with. I tried my best to enjoy it and did experience moments of joy and laughter. However, the thought in the back of my mind every second of every day was "my kids are dead, how can my kids be dead".
Maybe it will always be this way. I question if I will ever know true happiness again without them here with me. I'm sure part of the problem is I won't allow myself to experience happiness, because somehow it seems like a betrayal of them. Even though it's not, it still seems that way. Countless people have told me, "they would want you to be happy". They're probably right. I guess I don't want me to be happy.
One of the most difficult things about traveling in the last 6 months was coming home and finding that Kate and Peter aren't here. It's not that I really expected them to be here, but it has felt so strange being in my house or my car without them. This trip was different. For the first time, coming home to an empty house felt normal. That's disturbing.
Everything you are feeling is normal considering the loss you have experienced. What will happen over time (and I am guessing a great deal of time) is that you will redefine what "normal" and "happy" mean. There will always be a piece of your children with you whether you are traveling or in the silence of your home, so find some solace in knowing that they are always with you. Continue to take one day at a time and allow yourself to experience each adventure. Every single one will be part of your healing process and your time to learn what life means now that the little ones are not physically present. It is an honor that you have allowed us in to understand how you are handling this horrific tragedy and I find strength in knowing that you are working at it everyday. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteYou are learning to "live with the loss", as they say. There is that stage - that realization that "this is real; this is my life". It is quite profound, isn't it? I mean - to think about it - to cry or do whatever - then to go to that "place" where you know this loss is real - like it's a comfortable or regular thing to do and totally becomes normal. I guess - with that ... comes the guilt (because you don't try to convince yourself that they're coming back anymore - or that it didn't happen). But... please be happy. They can be part of your new happiness in a different way because they are with you, aren't they? I mean... always :-). I know this is so hard for you.
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