Thursday, October 8, 2009

Every day...

I wish this was some sort of mistake.
I can't believe it.
I miss them from the depths of my being.
I am grateful I spent the time I did with them and know that I am the luckiest mom in the world.
I try to find a way to undo this.
Some small part of me truly believes I can figure out a way to bring them back.
The rest of me knows I can't.
I spend a little time pretending they're just at school or asleep in their beds, because for a few seconds it feels good.
I'm heartbroken all over again when I realize they're not at school or asleep in their beds.
I want to know why them...why me?
I think there must be a reason.
I don't want to do it anymore, but know I have to.
I somehow get out of bed.
I rely on my friends.
I feel in my gut that they're ok and here somewhere.
I have to remember to breathe.
I feel guilty for all the things I did wrong...all the times I was impatient, overcritical, too controlling or wrapped up in my own little world.
I feel guilty for letting them get in that car that day, when Peter wouldn't stop crying. I should have known something was wrong.
I wish I had said goodbye and hugged and kissed them one more time because now I can't.
I think that if I could have somehow known, I would've done everything differently.
I wonder if maybe I did something to cause this or if I'm being punished.
I know I would give absolutely anything to have them back.
I cry.

I over schedule myself, knowing that the faster time goes, the sooner I will be with them.
I try to figure out what my purpose is now.
I wonder if I'll ever have more kids.
I cook because it's the one thing that truly engages me mentally and physically.
I try to be ok.
I am extremely grateful for all the people who support me and pray for me.
I wonder what Kate and Peter would want me to do and if they're watching.
I want to honor their lives and make them proud.


  1. I think about a mother's intuition a lot. Every time my daughter spends the night at her grandmother's, which is only about once or twice a year, I literally feel ill, sick with fear that she won't come back to me.

    I did not feel this way when I dropped her off at an at-home daycare all those years, and I don't feel that way when I drop her off at school. And even though I don't really like my MIL, I don't think that is why I worry.

    I and many, many others can, have already, and probably will tell you not to beat yourself up about letting them get into the car when Peter was crying. He probably cried many times before and nothing happened. There is no way you or anyone else could have known what was going to happen. I am certain you are not being punished nor did you deserve this.

    Just keep swimming.

  2. So eloquent and honest - brought tears to my eyes. We have all had those moments of guilty self-absorption, etc. It is abundantly apparent, however, that you were, are and always will be very loving and attentive to Kate and Peter.

  3. "I want to honor their lives and make them proud."

    Please know that your grace and dignity through this difficult time honor your children and make them proud.

  4. I wish I would have slept with Judi in her bed the night before her supposed surgery that never happened. I wish I would have known to help her pack ALL of her beloved belongings instead of trying to ask her to be a minimalist and pack in a "gym bag" which she didn't have (neither a gym bag or the life-saving surgery).
    I wish we had spent more time together over the years that her health was good and she was living her extravagant lifestyle.
    I wish...I wish...I wish...........
    Amy...thank you for your friendship!
    And Happy Birthday. We will celebrate life as we now know it :) Because that's what I think they would have wanted. Because I think that's what is now called for.

  5. My heart goes out to you. I cannot even begin to imagine how much you must hurt....
    Trying to say anything to you seems so insignificant in the face of your loss.

    Prayers and thoughts are coming your way.