and I'm just about done with this "my kids are dead" bullshit. I'd like them back now, please. Thank you.
I understand there's absolutely no purpose in making such a request, but that's how I feel today. I wish I could talk to whomever is in charge and say, "There's been a mistake. I realize this is what happened, but it wasn't such a good idea. Let's fix it."
Of course I can't do that. So I will just be sad and ponder the purpose of my life and of Kate and Peter's. I don't mean to sound so negative, I've actually had a lot of experiences lately that were clearly interactions with both of them (I'm working on a post about that). But today I'd like to hang out with them, maybe go to the park then take them out for dinner and a movie. I just want a regular Saturday with my kids. Something I completely took for granted.
After posting this I clicked the "home" link on my browser and noticed an article about services being held for the soldiers killed at Ft. Hood. That article reminds me that sadly, but truly, I am not alone on this journey of grief. I will say a prayer for everyone dealing with the loss of someone they love.
ReplyDeleteI'll join you on that prayer mission--because you're right, you are sadly but truly not alone in the journey of grief. And there is strength in numbers.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, and I never had the priviledge of knowing your children, but I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are beautiful. Keep going.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I only just found out about your blog. I will definitely add my prayers for you and your children. I can't possibly know what you are going through, since I don't have any children of my own yet. Know that Pennsylvanians near and far are praying and pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry... Things don't ever make sense. But you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but want to thank your for sharing. Your story has touched me. I can only imagine what you have been dealing with since April. Please know that even people who don't know you are touched by your courage. I am praying for you and your two precious angels.
ReplyDeleteSending love your way. I'm so sorry and I know that just doesn't cut it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I've been thinking about you and worrying about you since reading about your story last April. I wish for you continued strength and grace. I will be thinking of you and your children in my prayers and in my heart.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just want to tell you that I think you're a very fine writer.
I won't pretend to be able to imagine your grief. Your posts are both heart-touching and heart-wrenching. You and your precious angels are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of weak on prayer these days. My own tragedy two years ago seems to have eliminated that from my bank of skills. So...let me just say that you have done a tremendous job of regrouping your life after this tragedy. I envy you your strength and your ability to express your deepest feelings. I will try to draw from you. Thank you for opening your life at this time. It is a gift.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you in the days ahead.
ReplyDeletei can't even begin to imagine. oh how i hate that any parent has to endure the loss that you have been hit with.
ReplyDeleteknow that even internet strangers will be sending prayers for you and your family...while it can't erase what happened, perhaps it may ease your heart, if only for a moment.
the pain you have experienced is heart-wrenching. but i believe that your babies are looking down on you, so proud of their heroic mommy.
ReplyDeleteyou are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending love, prayers and hugs your way. Please know that there are many virtual friends out here to support you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, and I never had the privilege of knowing your beautiful children, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have not experienced the pain of losing a child of my own, a dear friend was killed in a car accident when we were only 16. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of Julie and her vivacious personality and generous spirit. Every time I reached a milestone (the senior Prom, high school graduation, first day of college, graduating college, etc.) I think of Julie and how she would have celebrated those joyous occasions. I'm not living my life for her, because Julie wouldn't want that, but I am inspired to live the fullest life I can because of the beautiful and gracious way she chose to live her life during her too-short time on this earth.
You are not alone, and I know that Kate and Peter would be inspired and proud of your strength and amazing courage.
I know you have said in your blog that you are not doing this for anyone, but your poise and grace and strength in the face of what you've experienced is very inspiring to me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person and your children would be very proud. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteDear Abraham, We can't do anything for you. Divine will can't be changed. Your fathre's eyes shed tears, and his heart is sad and grieved for you death. However, I will not say anything which will may invite the wrath of God. If there had not been the true and certain promise of God that we too shall come after you, I would have wept more and become more grieved at the separation from you.'
ReplyDeleteThe prophet Muhammad at the loss of his son.
Have faith. This endless sorrow for souls who live? Is the body not but a vessel for the soul? Were they not mere children, innocent of all sin as all children surely are? They live, and in a better place. Have faith.
I cannot begin to imagine your loss and the pain that you go through daily. My heart breaks for you. There is a strength in you, that comes through in your writing... your ability to be so honest.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you and your beautiful children. I am sure that they have found peace in heaven and I know that you will too, here on earth.
Keep going and God bless you!
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa
Your grace and strength are inspiring. Your writing is so raw, real, and full of emotion. I hope you find peace and happiness again.
ReplyDeleteto wound the autumnal city.
ReplyDeleteSo howled out for the world to give him a name.
The in-dark answered with wind.
I cannot imagine what you are going through and hope that I never have to find out. You have my deepest sympathiest and most heartfelt prayers. I hope that you find your way through this dark time.
ReplyDeleteYou are and will always be a great mom.
ReplyDeleteWe are all thinking of you in this impossible time. Virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely not alone. I know your pain, and no, it will never vanish. But it will grow and change and become something new and vast and peaceful over the years.
ReplyDeleteThis is a community of mothers who have lost children: www.glowinthewoods.com
If I am sitting here, at my desk, crying, I cannot imagine what you must go through every day, hour, minute, second. I feel for you, from the depths of my heart. I am so sorry that this happened, that your beautiful children were taken away from you. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I am also so sorry that I've bitched and moaned and complained about the MOST STUPID little things. Such inconsequential, meaningless things. Thank you for putting it all into perspective. You are not only doing yourself a service by blogging, you are doing all of us - your readers and friends, strangers or not - a service. Keep going. And keep your head up. I know that sounds silly. We are all here for you.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I read this article in the paper right after it happened and felt horrible for everyone involved. I can't imagine what you go through everyday but my thoughts and prayers are with you, along with a big hug.
ReplyDeleteYou are living my worst fear. I am crying as I write this, because no one should have to go through what you are going through. I dont know you, nor did I have to priviledge of knowing your beautiful children, but I am praying for you and for them.
ReplyDeleteHad a similar accident with my two children about a month before your incident - icy road, car skidded off, etc. - I was able to get control, and after a few scary moments, we did a 180 and came to a stop. I turned around and looked at those faces, and realized how close we had come to something tragic - and how I need to appreciate my little gifts (my kids) every day of their lives. I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you godspeed in your recovery and healing - you and your children will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to send hugs your way. While I can't even imagine the grief that you are experiencing, please know that you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers. Your strength to keep going each day is an inspiration and you are honoring your children each day you keep pushing through.
ReplyDeleteI have no words but I can and will pray for you and your children.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I'll pray for you, for strength and peace, and for the repose of their souls.
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible woman. I am so touched by your strength and courage. Your beautiful children were so blessed to have you as their mother. As I looked through your pictures and at those happy, smiling faces, it made me wish that if I have children some day, that they will be has happy and loved as yours. You are an inspiration. I will pray for you and keep you and your family close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteButterflies -
ReplyDeleteYou've got to admire them - setting off on a journey of no less than a thousand miles on only a wing and a prayer.
Yet make it, they will.
And so will you.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI too have added you and your family to my prayer list.
My heart breaks for you. I'm praying for God to give you the strength to get through each day and peace in your heart from knowing that your children are whole and safe with Him.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you - I'm saying prayers for you to continue to find the strength to continue on.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you, Amy.
ReplyDeleteYou're an inspiration to those others of us who also continue to grieve for lost loved ones.
For what it's worth, I found your blog through my fellow Pittsburgher, Ginny Montanez, who writes the "That's Church" blog at http://thatschurch.com/.
Peace.
You do not know me. I found your post through another. But know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I envy your strength and courage. Stay strong. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note: I never do this, but if you haven't read it, I would suggest reading "The Shack." It's a very thought provoking book that just might help you in your time of struggle.
I wish you the best.
"There's nothing more beautiful than a smile through the tears."
Praying for you and your 2 angels. I can't imagine your pain and your courage.
ReplyDeleteAnd from your post below, FWIW, all the books I've read after crossing over have talked about when it is a sudden impact in death, the souls DO leave the body actually before the physical death of the body. I hope that is some small comfort for such a huge loss. God bless you all.
Amy, I just found your blog. I am so sorry. Words cannot heal your pain, but please know you are not alone in the world. My pain is so much less than yours, but I have attempted suicide and considered it more than once. Please don't do it. You're right--the beyond is unknown. At least on earth, you have memories, photos, those who love you. Your beloved children are with you always. I know they are.
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book by Ann Hood on grieving? She lost her little daughter quite suddenly. She also wrote a book which I've read twice based on her life and her loss. It's got the word "knitting" in the title.
I am sending love to you, even though I don't know you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending a virtual hug and prayers. Today had been what I thought was a "horrible" day, then I was linked to your site through "That's Church". Your strength inspired me and made me realize that I am indeed blessed. May God continue to hold you and your angels in his arms. <3
ReplyDeleteI guess I really don't know what to say. I also guess our words may not take away much of the pain..but hopefully your words you are writing will. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI cannot write anything that hasn't been said. From single mom to single mom, heck from person to person, you have all of my virtual hugs and genuine prayers and good thoughts. Okay, I will repeat one thing - you are an inspiration. Keep doing whatever you need to do and know that you have a virtual army supporting you.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you as you travel through these dark days, and I am hoping you find peace when the time is right. You were a good mom to your kids when you could hold them in your arms, and you are still a good mom--and they are still your kids: two facts that will never change, no matter how far apart you are from them. My sympathies and good wishes are not enough, obviously, but you have all of them.
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts, prayers, and love are with you.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for putting yourself out there, my son was involved in a car accident when he was 16 (15 years ago) and suffers from TBI. As a mother not one day goes by that I don't ask myself how I could have protected him. Until someone walks in your shoes they have no right to tell you how to feel or how to behave; grief has no rules or timelines. Feeling; hurting and aching are emotions that embed themselves deep in our souls and feed on a broken heart.
ReplyDeleteStay true to yourself and I'll see you in Heaven as I have a lot of questions for the big Guy; I intend to stay in line until I get my answers and find peace within myself. As everyone says “life isn’t fair,” some of us experience that in a way that hurts and breaks our hearts so bad that nothing can fix or fill that void but somehow we go on and try to find our purpose. I have found that time doesn’t heal (“time heals all wounds” as the saying goes) but it calluses over the wound and makes us stronger in some respects and weaker in others.
May you find comfort in your children’s memories and know that you loved them with all of your heart and soul; something no one can take from you. I pray you find a peace within yourself so you can get up and face each new day, sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.
You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts prayers. This is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking and I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Stay strong. Pittsburgh loves you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for allowing us to see your strength, courage, perseverance, and beauty. We can all learn so much from you.
ReplyDeleteStay strong.