I think I'm stuck...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it. I haven't blogged in forever because...well...I'm not sure what to say.

The sadness I feel every day is overwhelming. Usually I'm able to find some sort of perspective or silver lining or SOMETHING positive to say, but not lately. I got nothing.

So I start feeling guilty because I have a lot of good in my life. When I feel this sad it seems like I'm being selfish or ungrateful and not recognizing all that I do have. But honestly, I'm so sad that I don't care.

Then I think about all the people who have gone through similar situations - or even worse - and I realize I'm not the only one. And I feel bad for all that others have or are going through. And then I think "I'm too sad to think about other people". Then I feel like a self-centered bitch.

So this is why I haven't written. I don't want to admit to people that I'm a sad, guilt-ridden, ungrateful, self-centered bitch - especially when I just got married, have wonderful friends and a lot of other good stuff to be grateful for. But there it is. I'm admitting it. I'm a hot mess and I don't care. I tried to hold it together for a really long time, but then decided a few weeks ago that I just didn't want to hold it together anymore.

The only reason I'm writing this is because I had a conversation with someone this morning who reminded me that some people read this blog to "connect" with someone who understands what they're going through, and to maybe feel that what they're experiencing is "normal". I've tried in the past to be as honest and uncensored as possible and to tell it like it is. Today this is how it is. I don't know if it's normal, I just know that it is.

Maybe my admission of stuckfullness (it's not a word, but go with it) will help unstick me. My guess is that now that I've broken the seal, a tidal wave of nasty emotions is going to come forth. Oh well. "Better out than in", right? (I swear I have never really understood that saying, but it seems fitting in this case.)

It's a sad, sad day in Pittsburgh...

Yesterday a Pittsburgher named Aimee, a wife and mother of two young boys, died after having a stroke. I'd guess she was my age, somewhere in her 30s. It's unfair and awful and I'm having a hard time making any sense of it whatsoever.

I met Aimee once, at a yoga class. She and I both volunteered to help out with yoga for first graders at Kate's school. Her son was in Kate's class.

After my kids died and I started my blog Aimee became a regular reader and commented often. Sometimes she would share stories her son would tell about Kate. Other times she'd offer words of support and encouragement, or tell me how much my journey had impacted her role as a mother. Her words, as do all of the comments on my blog, mean so much to me. I wish I could have done something to help her.

Yesterday, after I'd learned she was in the hospital on life-support, but before I knew she had died, I started reading through her comments. I clicked on her blogger profile link, to learn a little more about her, and saw that she started her own blog. The last post is titled, "I hope I don't die waiting for health-care reform to happen". Please take a moment to read it. She did die. And she didn't have health insurance. And now her two boys are gonna grow up without their Mama.

Please, please pray for her sons and their dad. Please send them all the love you can. If there is anything else that can be done to help, I will let you know. I know her family has to raise money to pay her hospital bills. That's a real kick in the face.

There is one other thing you can do. You can vote tomorrow. Health care reform is one of the hot issues in this election and the only way to make a difference is to vote. Please vote and please remember Aimee.

craziest. dreams. ever.

I mentioned in my last post that I have been having nightmares about my kids almost every night since I got married. I have seriously had the craziest, most relentless dreams EVER in the past two weeks.

I had one dream in which my kids weren't actually dead, but living secretly with Steve (wtf?!). They had been in the accident and survived, but they sustained major head injuries and were more like walking zombies than kids. I found out that they were living with him and went to see them and they had no idea who I was. That was pretty awful.

In another dream, they hadn't been in the accident at all. I found out it had all been some big mistake and I was indescribably happy and relieved! Then they went to Cleveland (I have no idea why) with some cousins (not real cousins that I have ever met) and died in a car accident on the way. I was like "Are you effing kidding me?!! I just got them back and now they died?!!"

I'm happy to report that FINALLY, last night, I had a dream about them that ended well. It may sound really weird, but there was another "set" of Kate and Peter living with my mom. I don't understand it myself, but I did get to spend time with them and they were exactly like the real Kate and Peter. I played football in the park with Peter and some of his friends, and Peter and Kate were both hanging out with me and Ken.

I don't know why they were living with my mom, but right before I woke up I remember saying to Ken that I thought they should come and live with us next year - like we wanted them to stay where they were for the rest of the school year and start an new school year here. He agreed and I was extremely happy, to say the least. At the very end of my dream I texted my mom (it was obviously a dream because my mom doesn't text) to tell her to tell Kate that I loved her and that she could live with us soon.

Then I woke up.

I have no clue what any of these dreams mean or why exactly I'm having them, but I'm glad last night's dream had a happy ending. It was much easier to start the day feeling like I had just spent time with them :) Maybe something is shifting.

10.10.10

For the past week I've wanted to write about my wedding, but I've had such an assortment of intense emotions I haven't been able to figure out where to begin. So I'll start at the beginning and if my thoughts are scattered and incoherent, I apologize. It's just not fair to keep you waiting any longer.

When Ken and I decided to get married, we chose the date October 10th - 10/10/10 - for a number of reasons. We thought a fall wedding would be nice, we were able to find available venues for both our wedding and reception even though we planned everything very last-minute, and it's just a cool date - and certainly an easy one to remember. I have to tell you, it really was the perfect day!

The weather was incredible; sunny and warm with a light breeze. The park where we had our ceremony was full of beautiful flowers as well as brightly colored trees and all of our plans came together without a hitch.

We chose to have our ceremony in the Walled Garden in Mellon Park. The Garden has recently been restored as part of a memorial project. The family and friends of Annie Katharine Seamans, a young woman who died in a car accident in 1999, worked with the Pittsburgh Parks Conservancy to complete this project. Annie used to love to spend time in Mellon park, especially to look at the stars at night.


In addition to restoring the Garden's natural charm, the project included an art installation which is indescribably beautiful. Lights have been embedded in the lawn of the garden in the exact pattern of the stars over Pittsburgh on the date Annie was born. You can click on this link to read more about the Garden's restoration. If you live in Pittsburgh I strongly encourage you to check it out.

Ken and I were lucky enough to attend the Walled Garden's reopening and dedication back in June. It was then that we decided we'd like to get married there.



We did a number of things to honor Kate and Peter throughout the day, some of them thanks to suggestions from all of you.

First we included a reading from a book I used to read with the two of them. My good friend, Cindy, who is also Kate's godmother, read "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker. It's basically a cute picture book about the unconditional love between a parent and child, but I think it was quite appropriate for our wedding.

About two weeks before the wedding my friend Jen surprised me with some flowers she had made out of a shirt of Peter's. (Her son is a little bit younger than Peter so she had a few hand-me-downs.) She used the shirt that Peter is wearing in this picture:



I love those flowers (!!!) and our florist, who did an amazing job with only a week's notice, was able to beautifully work the flowers into my bouquet:


Jen was also going to make flowers out of something of Kate's, but instead I asked the florist to wrap the bouquet in some material from a dress Kate wore when she was a flower girl in a wedding 4 years ago. Here's a picture of Kate in that dress:



I loved being able to work something that belonged to each of my kids into my bouquet, which I literally carried around all day. I didn't want to put it down at all... seriously.

I wanted to use butterflies in the wedding somehow, but I wasn't sure about releasing live ones. Instead, my friend Chad, who made our wedding cake, created and placed two butterflies on the cake. He did an amazing job (and I have to add that not only was the cake beautiful, but it was seriously yummy!). It was red velvet with cream cheese frosting - Peter would have been all over that!!



At the last minute I decided I needed to have a picture of my kids somewhere at the wedding, but I wasn't exactly sure where. That morning as I was leaving my house I took one of their pictures off the wall and brought it with me. The catering staff placed it on the table next to the cake. Another friend of mine ran out to a store that morning and found two candles to put next to their picture:




So now that I've given you the overall run-down of the day and how we made my kids a part of it, how do I begin to describe how it felt? That's the hard part.

Honestly, I couldn't let myself feel everything that day. If I was gonna make it through the day with some semblance of composure, I had to disconnect a little. I did my best to be in the moment and take it all in - especially when it came to feeling the love between Ken and me and the love and support of our families and friends - but I couldn't think about how much I wished my kids were there or how sad I was that they weren't.

I wish I had some incredible story about how I felt them with me all day or that there had been a rainbow or something, but I don't. I did my best to be present and I'm sure they were with me in spirit, but unfortunately I didn't really "feel"them.

I did have one moment where I stepped into a room by myself and asked them to give me something - anything - some kind of sign or wisdom or assurance that they were there. At that point the words "this is a new beginning, Mama" popped into my head.

It's so hard to explain the feelings I had that day without writing an entire book (this is the longest blog post ever!). On the one hand I felt so incredibly happy and in love and excited to be marrying Ken, who I love with all my heart. For days afterward I walked around with my head in the clouds, feeling like I was on a honeymoon even though we didn't go anywhere.

On the other hand, however, I felt a sadness that I now realize will never lessen or go away. I have had nightmares about my kids almost every night since, including my wedding night. I dream they're missing or severely injured or that they don't know who I am. It's awful. It's almost like my happiness during the day has to be balanced out by sadness and horror at night. I guess that's just how it is and how it will be.

This picture, taken by our photographer, sums it up - the bittersweetness of it all:



What I just realized is that even though the picture is both happy and sad, it's truly all about love. And as far as I'm concerned love is far stronger than death.

Octagon crackers...

I'm sitting here eating some soup, because it's a soup-eating kind of day, and wishing I had some crackers to throw in my bowl. Any crackers would be good, though I would prefer some oyster crackers - or octagon crackers, as Peter called them.

As you may know from previous posts, Peter ate predominantly beige food, and crackers were one of his favorites. Most of the time he asked for crackers with cream cheese (they're pretty good if you've never tried them, though they're far from a healthy snack) or crackers with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff (in which case he ate only the marshmallow and nothing else) but he also loved munching on octagon crackers. I think he started eating them when he was one or two because they're little and easy to pick up and as far back as I can remember he referred to them only as octagon crackers. I think oyster crackers more closely resemble hexagons, but how a two-year-old knows what an octagon is I will never know.

For some reason he was pretty knowledgeable about shapes. I know he had a Diego game for his Leapster that taught him about shapes, but still - we would be out somewhere and he'd say, "look Mama, a semi-circle" or he'd rearrange his half-eaten toast (another beige favorite) to show me what a parallelogram looked like. I honestly can't tell you what's normal for a two, three or four-year old, but he always amazed me...

Treehouse update:

Since the public meeting about Kate and Peter's Treehouse back in June, planning has slowed down quite a bit. The Parks Conservancy is in the process of updating it's Regional Parks Master Plan and part of that process includes looking at many possible sites for the Treehouse. Once the Master Plan is complete we will attempt to resume planning.

This Saturday, October 2nd, there will be another public meeting at 9:00 am at Colfax Elementary School. At 10:45, following an overview and dialogue about Frick Park's current and future needs, the meeting will move into the park itself. Four possible sites for the Treehouse will be examined during this outdoor workshop.

If you feel strongly about Frick Park and Kate and Peter's Treehouse and you are available this Saturday morning, please come to this meeting. The Parks Conservancy needs as much feedback as possible before we continue to move forward. Click here to RSVP and reserve a spot. Hope to see you there!

What can I write that I haven't already written?

Everyday is basically the same. I experience same crazy kaleidoscope of emotions with slight variations in order and intensity, but really - they're the same.

I still wake up every morning and think, "Wait...what? My kids are dead?" as I wrote many months ago. That's usually followed by my best attempt at denial and disbelief after which I inevitably move into a state of confusion and anger.

Lately I've found myself asking my friends, "Were they real? Were they really here? Are you sure?!" It's been so long since I've seen or held or talked to my kids that it doesn't seem as if they could have been real.

And I fear that I'm forgetting. That's awful.

So I sit down to blog and think, "I've already said all of this." It really is the same same shit, different day scenario. And it's getting old. Real old.

This is the point at which I wish and hope and pray that maybe this is a game and someone is gonna come down form the heavens and say, "Ok, you've done enough. You've lasted a year and a half without them, you've proved your strength and now you can have your kids back." It's completely delusional, but I don't care. I want them back.

I know you've read all of this before which is why I haven't written lately. I don't want to subject you to the same posts over and over and over again. But I guess this blog is supposed to be my journey and, unfortunately, this is it.

I'm guessing that other parents who have lost children feel the same way. I'm also guessing that this is pretty much how we're gonna feel forever.

I try really hard to experience joy and happiness in my life. And I do sometimes, really. I mean, in less than two weeks I get to marry a wonderful and amazing man, who I love very much. That's exciting! It gives me hope for the future and brings me joy! Unfortunately, that hope and joy is matched by an equal amount of sadness and guilt.

I know that it's ok to be happy. I know my kids would want me to be happy. I also know that it will never feel right to be happy when my kids are dead. It just won't. And that's the way it is.

As I'm typing I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop judging my emotions as good or bad. I'll try to take a more Buddhist approach and experience them as they come without attaching a value to them. If I'm sad I'm sad. If I'm happy, so be it. It just is. I'll see how that goes.

I have about 300,000 things to do in the next two weeks, for which I'm actually thankful. I'm looking forward to this new stage of my life. So I'm gonna go get started. I'll do my best to keep writing - happy or sad - and let you know what's going on. As always, thank you for reading and commenting and praying and sending love. It helps more than you could ever know.