Monday, January 4, 2010

a new year, a new start, blah blah blah...

Ok, the title of this post doesn't sound too promising. It's just that I'm completely overwhelmed with things I need to do, want to do and should be doing - and when I get overwhelmed I end up doing nothing. It's now after 2:00pm and I'm still in my pjs drinking coffee and figuring out what I should tackle first.

Then I think about the fact that my kids won't be a part of 2010, at least not in the usual way, and I want to go back to bed. Ugh.

Still, every time I wake up in the morning, even after all these months I have to remind myself that my kids are dead. And not just once. If I wake up at 5:00am to pee this is what goes through my mind in my half-awake stupor:

me: "wait, what? my kids are dead?!"
me again: "yeah...remember? accident, April 6th"
me (you get the point): "wait, they're kids...they're not supposed to die!"
"I know, but they did"
"but they used to be here, right?"
"yeah, but they're not anymore"
"but they're my kids! you mean they're not coming back?!"
"wait, there's nothing I can do to change that?!"
" nope"
"fuck....I can't deal with that. I'm going back to bed"

Then I go back to sleep and repeat that mental conversation every time I wake up. Every time I hit snooze on my alarm. Every time my cat sits next to my head and meows because she's hungry. It's exhausting. But it is what it is. And I don't know that there's anything I can do about it.

So now I'm at least out of bed, sitting up and typing. I had high hopes for today. I was going to start getting organized, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, return things that need to be returned, catch up on the 300 emails I need to respond to etc, etc. Yeah, probably not gonna happen. Maybe I'll take a shower. That's a start.


  1. just keep breathing...........thank you for your perspective. im so sorry for your loss.

  2. Amy,
    Healing takes time and you certainly are traveling down the path of healing. Think of two things, the sense of accomplishment you'll feel today if you complete just one thing on your list and how proud your kids will be of you if you do. They know how hard this is for you and are indeed cheering you on! Be gentle with yourself; you're doing really great!



  3. baby got out of bed for crying out loud. Showers are a good place to start. At least you can smell good and still feel like shit. :) Hang in there and happy new year

  4. Lock the damn cat out of the room and stop drinking liquids at about 7 pm so you don't have to get up to pee and have to relive that horror so many times during the night. I'm serious. I could cry for you when I think about that. Once is enough each morning when you wake up, right?! All I can say is that I hope you find some peace and maybe, whenever you feel up to it, get one small thing done. A long list is overwhelming when you're not going through what you're going through. One thing at a time. HUGS to you!!

  5. Sorry if that above post sounded too harsh. At the moment that I read your post I was feeling very angry FOR you (does that make sense)? Again, HUGS to you - and peace for a restful night's sleep.

  6. It must be like a nightmare you never wake up from. I'm so sorry. In my mind, your just getting up every day is an accomplishment that shows how strong you are. I hope writing this blog and realizing how many people feel for you will help you in some way.

  7. I think that somedays, we're not intended to accomplish much but maybe a shower. In God's eyes, accomplishing little could very well be accomplishing much. To me, your honest and insightful blog post is plenty accomplishment for a day. Thanks to the stories you tell, I am continuously wowed by you and your kids.

  8. Add simple things to your list: (1) get up before 3 pm, (2) make coffee without spilling the grounds all over the counter, (3) brush teeth...and so on. All of the simple things will add up and that should be enough for now.

    By the way, I didn't shower all weekend simply because I'm lazy. :)

    Keep going, Amy.

  9. Girl, don't be too hard on yourself. I find it amazing that you get out of bed at all and write this amazing blog to share your story. That in and of itself is amazing and shows your strength. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain... but just know that every day you get stronger and stronger... And your children will always be with you to guide you.

  10. Wow, I just came across this story in the news and just about cried my eyes out. My heart hurts for this woman, who experienced a loss like yours a couple of weeks ago. Her house burned down and only she and her stepdaughter escaped - her husband, 4 year old and 8 month old perished...

    I can only hope that this woman is able to find your website and draw some sort of comfort knowing that she isn't the only one to go through such tragedy...

  11. I am a friend of Lisa Mahoney Wearne (we went to high school together) and I came across your blog after reading an article that was written about you and your precious children. Anyways, I am at a loss for words to tell you how sorry I am for everything that has happened to you. It just isn't possible to come up with anything that would even come close to what I wish I could say and would express how I feel for you. it truly is indescribable.

    Well, now that you know who I am, I just wanted to relate to you a teensy tiny bit on this post. It struck a chord, so I wanted to share. My parents died tragically on New Years Day back in 1992. I found them that horrifying day, and at that point, it was the worst thing I had ever experienced in my entire life. Well, from that day forward, I had to replay the entire event, of how I came home and discovered that they were gone (it's still hard for me to say the dead word), over and over every single day in my head. It was almost like if I didn't relive it detail for detail, it wasn't real or it didn't really happen. I did this for years. I still have dreams that they are still alive but they just faked their death and we just don't know it. What kind of delusion is that?! Not sure, but I believe it's my brain trying to cope.

    Well, I just started reading your blog and I think it is wonderfully open and brave. I truly admire you for it.

    Sorry if I wrote all over the place. I still have a hard time collecting my thoughts and writing about this kind of stuff, but I am sure your got what I was trying to say anyway...

    Goodnight, from a fellow Amy.

  12. amy
    i am a new reader to your blog, and as you can tell i am combing your archives, trying to find as much out about your beautiful children as possible. words cannot express the level of sympathy i hold for you and your family. i lost twin girls at 20 weeks gestation, and i only know a fraction of what you feel and have to live with daily. thank you for sharing your Peter and Kate with me, with the blogging community. thank you for allowing others to hold your pain, if only for a while. i simply cannot express how sorry i am that you know this searing pain, and i can only wish you peace.