Ok, the title of this post doesn't sound too promising. It's just that I'm completely overwhelmed with things I need to do, want to do and should be doing - and when I get overwhelmed I end up doing nothing. It's now after 2:00pm and I'm still in my pjs drinking coffee and figuring out what I should tackle first.
Then I think about the fact that my kids won't be a part of 2010, at least not in the usual way, and I want to go back to bed. Ugh.
Still, every time I wake up in the morning, even after all these months I have to remind myself that my kids are dead. And not just once. If I wake up at 5:00am to pee this is what goes through my mind in my half-awake stupor:
me: "wait, what? my kids are dead?!"
me again: "yeah...remember?....car accident, April 6th"
me (you get the point): "wait, they're kids...they're not supposed to die!"
"I know, but they did"
"but they used to be here, right?"
"yeah, but they're not anymore"
"but they're my kids! you mean they're not coming back?!"
"wait, there's nothing I can do to change that?!"
"fuck....I can't deal with that. I'm going back to bed"
Then I go back to sleep and repeat that mental conversation every time I wake up. Every time I hit snooze on my alarm. Every time my cat sits next to my head and meows because she's hungry. It's exhausting. But it is what it is. And I don't know that there's anything I can do about it.
So now I'm at least out of bed, sitting up and typing. I had high hopes for today. I was going to start getting organized, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, return things that need to be returned, catch up on the 300 emails I need to respond to etc, etc. Yeah, probably not gonna happen. Maybe I'll take a shower. That's a start.