Tuesday, January 5, 2010

trying to find balance...

So after spending most of yesterday in my pajamas, procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself I'm trying to be a bit more productive today. It's only 10:45 and I'm already awake...that's something!

But seriously, one of the things I hope to do in this new year (besides finding ten things to be thankful for each day) is to spend more time doing less. From April 7th through December 31st of 2009 I stayed so busy that I didn't have a lot of time to think or feel. I did this on purpose, of course, because for me it's easier than the alternative. But my body and soul are tired. I need to slow down.

That brings me to my quest for balance. I need to be careful because if I slow down too much inertia will take over and every day will be like yesterday. I need to pace myself so I can get a few things done and stay busy enough to distract myself from my pain to some degree, but I also need to give myself time to grieve so I can start to heal. I don't think it's gonna be easy.

A huge benefit of slowing down will be that I'll have time to read, meditate and hopefully notice more of the things going on around me. I honestly believe there is so much going on in our universe that we typically don't notice because we're busy, distracted or just not tuned in. For example...why is it that so-called "mediums" can regularly communicate with people who have died but the average person can't? Is it because they have super-powers? Or have they just found a way to tune in to something most of us have not.

And kids - they can see, hear and feel so much that we adults can't! I don't think it's because they're making it up; I think it's because their minds are open and uncluttered and they haven't learned NOT to pay attention to those kinds of things. Here's one story that comes to mind:

A classmate of Peter's saw Kate at Peter's school on April 8th (2 days after Kate and Peter died). This little girl had not yet been told that Kate and Peter were in a car accident and though she knew Peter wasn't there that day, she did say that Kate was there, sitting next to one of her best friends. There was a special Easter program that day and Kate was part of the audience. She was very specific and I believe her. Why would she make something like that up?

The obvious reason I'd like to slow down and tune in is because I want to be able to communicate more regularly and openly with my kids. They've done a pretty good job of getting through to me in my busy and highly distracted state, but who knows what it might be like if I can settle down, open my heart and my mind and focus.

So back to balance. I've always tried to find it and most of the time it's eluded me. But I guess, in reality, the journey is probably more important than the destination. Just for today I'm going to do my best...to try to be productive yet take some time to slow down. And I'll also try not to be so hard on myself...thank you for all of your encouraging comments.


  1. Well, you're an early riser today aren't you? :0) Kidding of course. Love your plan of attack. I agree wholeheartedly. Kids see and perceive so many things that we do not. Absolutely Kate was there that day. And she's with you often, I'm sure. Keep on keeping on, Amy. Can you hear me cheering from the bleachers? Happy New Year to you...and I mean that sincerely.

  2. Your words are so true. I have often thought that if we just took the time to slow down and breathe, that we would be more in tune with things going on around us. Too often someone says something to me, I nod my head and say "uh huh" and later on don't even remember what we were talking about. It's like I am on auto-pilot half the time. I want to stop being on auto-pilot. I want to be the active pilot, steering the way, taking note of the beautiful sky and clouds and scenery!

    Kids are amazing, and they do notice things that us, as adults, fail to miss - or tune out intentionally. And I do very much believe that Kate was there that day - that the little girl did see her. And I am sure if you pay close enough attention, you will see her, too! :-)

  3. Even scientifically, your thoughts are more than valid. Just think on how blind folks can read Braille, research has demonstrated that as they do not use the part of the brain normally tuned to "see", it becomes a "touch"-tuned region, so they perceive the bumps on Braille writing sharply than you and I could ever distinguish. Our brain is so plastic, so accommodating, and so miraculous, that if you "train" it, it is proven will perceive "reality" and interpret it differently and more accurately. All the best of luck Amy on your crusade, it won’t be easy, but if someone can do it, I do not have a doubt you will.

  4. I LOVE that story about Kate sitting next to her friend. Oh - I wish I had time and space right now because I have some stories that may make you feel better about the mysterious "afterworld" - I know they encourage me anyway. Friends whose children felt they knew grandparents who had passed because they saw them at a birthday party, standing on the fringes (I know these people because they came to my party - is how the little girl put it and described an outfit she couldn't have known about) - my son telling me that grandpa told him he played music for him when he was a baby and he missed doing it, and he was 16 mos. old when my Dad died, etc. My Mother, the world's most rational person, saw her beloved grandmother hours after she had died - standing plain "as the nose on your face", as my Mom would say - in front of her attic playroom stairway. Brings tears to my eyes. You are so open - please don't lose hope. It takes a while to see and feel what is sometimes right in front of you. My friend and I share an interest in this topic, and, after her mother died, she was discouraged - distraught that Sally (my pal too - loved my friend's mom) had not come back to console her in any way. Months later, when our close college friend was dying of cancer and my other friend was sitting with her (she often woke very scared and needed someone there), she described to a nurse what she thought was discomfort and agitation, and the nurse said, "no - it's just close to her time; there are always a lot of people in the room when it's time for them to go." When she, like you said, then took time to breathe and look around for hours, in the quiet, she could feel it all too, and... it changed her jaded perspective. My Mom is a nurse and has said the same thing before of the restlessness and the feeling that there are people in the room when someone was very ill. I know you feel your kids often; I can tell in how you communicate their essence to the rest of us "strangers". They will be guiding you and visiting you for a long time.

  5. When my mother was dying from cancer,she would talk about the different deceased relatives who visited her during the night. She passed soon after she said my father was there. For the first year after her death, she appeared in my dreams, too. I have heard so many stories since of dying people receiving visits from loved ones who have passed--too many to be coincidence!

  6. I think Peter and Kate are with you all the time. I think by slowing yourself down and taking time to grieve, you just might be able to "hear" them better. Here's hoping. <3

  7. What a great post Amy!
    Just so you know, It's all true. I had taken care of my next door neighbor during her fight with cancer. The day after she passed, I was really tired, I sat on the couch & drifted lightly off. She came to me, put her hand on my head and told me (very loudly) "Thomas you had better be smiling the next time I see you"
    I awoke with such a start that my then fiancee' jumped. I immeaditatly felt refreshed and full of energy. She came to me again a during the services while I delived her eulogy. (hand on my head again) Can you believe people clapped and gave a standing ovation for a simple eulogy? Anyhow touching the top of my head was something she did a lot when I spent time with her. See, when she lost her hair, I joined in a fund raising effort called St Baldricks. I shaved my head for cancer research for little kids. so we were bald together. Although she passed 3 months earlier, she was at our wedding, we have a few photos where orbs appeared in out of no where. We were graced by her presence. As you are graced by your children.

    Prayers to you....

  8. Stay strong, keep the faith, be safe, take care; I gain so much wisdom, knowledge and comfort through your posts!

  9. You are so strong, and I am amazed by your courage every time I read your blog.

    I think about balance a lot, too, but you articultated it much better than I could.

    One day at a time, Amy!

  10. You are so right about children being able to see things that we don't; they haven't been taught to deny their existence and therefore show no fear of it. Oh, to be that brave. When I feed my daughter, there are times where she looks off into the living room and laughs. I figure it's my grandmother stopping by. Take comfort in knowing that Kate and Peter are stopping by often to see you. I can't tell you how much I admire your strength. You are an inspriation to many.

  11. Hi Amy. A friend of mine just pointed me to your blog the other day, seeing that we have a few things in common. I was so moved by your story, and your uncharacteristic strength. You have a rare gift of seeing the good in even the worst of situations. Nobody really understands the dark night of the soul until they lived through it. I always remind myself that its not important how many times we get knocked down -- only how many times we get back up.

    I too have lost people, and have had a lot of experience with mediumship and the spiritual realm. I am not sure who you have met with already in this regard, but I can connect you with some good folks -- with integrity -- if you are interested.

    In response to your question about why "mediums" can connect with our loved ones and we cant:
    Well, the short answer is that we can! Each of us can develop our intuition -- some folks are just born naturally more open. Just like some people are naturally artistic or good at math or whatever. Its a talent. But we all have the seeds of it within us. Sounds like you are already tuning into your intuition a lot. You will notice it speaks to you louder when you are at peace within yourself, and your emotions are quiet. Our emotions are like static interferance that prevent us from hearing our intuition.

    Anyway, you are an inspiration to us all. Thanks for sharing your story and inner strength. You can email me at kim@kimchestney.com if you ever want to talk more about this stuff.

  12. Amy, not a day goes by that i dont think of you and the kids. On the 5th my mom brought home the paper someone at work gave her with the article about you. I read it and decided to check out your blog and have become addicted to it. What you write is so inspirational and i want you to know that me and my family love you and your always in our thoughts. I will always remember the few times i got the privledge to babysit kate and peter and what amazing kids they were. Even though i didnt know them that long they made such an impact on my life, just as you have. I will always remember the few times i got to babysit them, playing dress up with kate and spiderman with peter, snack and story time before bed and kate singing, peter playing with his toys while they were supposed to be asleep. It was a great privledge to have known them and just know that i am thinking of you always.

    Love, Jessica Garland

  13. Don't know you personally, but sending you love and hoping you will be exquisitely kind and patient with yourself.

  14. One day at a time, Amy. You'll never get over this, but you will get through this. Have faith in yourself. You are amazing.

  15. Did Peter and Kate love the snow? Would this day of school closings and nonstop snow have been fun for them? Well, maybe a little cold to play outside, but the discomfort of cold isn't an issue for them now. They want you to feel the peace of their energy always with you. Pull out your warmest boots, coat, hat and gloves, bundle up and go outside. Be still, be quiet, and feel the warmth. Loving thoughts...

  16. You are an amazing woman, Amy. Your blog is an inspiration, because you continue to fight. Thank you for sharing the good times and bad with us.