I mentioned in my last post that I have been having nightmares about my kids almost every night since I got married. I have seriously had the craziest, most relentless dreams EVER in the past two weeks.
I had one dream in which my kids weren't actually dead, but living secretly with Steve (wtf?!). They had been in the accident and survived, but they sustained major head injuries and were more like walking zombies than kids. I found out that they were living with him and went to see them and they had no idea who I was. That was pretty awful.
In another dream, they hadn't been in the accident at all. I found out it had all been some big mistake and I was indescribably happy and relieved! Then they went to Cleveland (I have no idea why) with some cousins (not real cousins that I have ever met) and died in a car accident on the way. I was like "Are you effing kidding me?!! I just got them back and now they died?!!"
I'm happy to report that FINALLY, last night, I had a dream about them that ended well. It may sound really weird, but there was another "set" of Kate and Peter living with my mom. I don't understand it myself, but I did get to spend time with them and they were exactly like the real Kate and Peter. I played football in the park with Peter and some of his friends, and Peter and Kate were both hanging out with me and Ken.
I don't know why they were living with my mom, but right before I woke up I remember saying to Ken that I thought they should come and live with us next year - like we wanted them to stay where they were for the rest of the school year and start an new school year here. He agreed and I was extremely happy, to say the least. At the very end of my dream I texted my mom (it was obviously a dream because my mom doesn't text) to tell her to tell Kate that I loved her and that she could live with us soon.
Then I woke up.
I have no clue what any of these dreams mean or why exactly I'm having them, but I'm glad last night's dream had a happy ending. It was much easier to start the day feeling like I had just spent time with them :) Maybe something is shifting.
I think all of this is very in line with all of the transition you are experiencing. You have been through so much in such a short period of time. Your Kate and Peter are still very much a part of you, but you just made a big transition without them (at least in the way you're used to connecting with them), and... it seems you're trying to make sense of it all. Of course, this type of journey will never make sense in this lifetime, but.... your mind and your heart need to be OK with how it is all moving forward. I think it is a fantastic sign that your last dream ended well. That doesn't mean you've seen the last of the strange ones, but... it seems a step towards the "right" tranquil type place you're consciously and unconsciously seeking. I hope everything else is going well too. You always have so much going on :-) - which is also why you're probably trying to "sort it all out" in dreams (and nightmares - so sorry about those).
ReplyDeleteI was raised by my grandparents and when they passed I had similar dreams about them. I would have dreams that my grandmother was alive again which was great, but did not have the same personality or was sick and needed care. I had a few dreams about my grandfather that I found out he was living in a different city and didn't want anyone to find him. It has been over 15 years now and I haven't had a dream like that for a few years, but I did have them for a while after. I think I wanted them back so badly that I come up with some alternate plan in my mind or heart that I could accept a little better than the reality.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your beautiful wedding and I hope you have a wonderful marriage. I think it is really a blessing that you did marry someone that had a chance to spend time and know your kids. Especially since Kate knew you were going to marry him before you did. Sometimes kids see more than we do! I know everyone else commented about the picture of Kate and Peter watching over you on your wedding day, but it is the most amazing picture.
After my grandmother died, I had and still have to this day - almost 6 years later - the same kinds of dreams. I will dream that I get a phone call, and I look and see the caller ID says her name, and I answer it. She tells me she has never really been dead. Other times, she is calling me from Heaven. Sometimes I wonder if it is really her communicating with me...
ReplyDeleteI think all the changes that you have been through are bringing on this new set of dreams. In your subconscious, you really wish that they were hidden away somewhere - that they hadn't really passed away - that it was all a big mistake. With your marriage, and the changes that is bringing, you are wishing that they were here to experience it with you - even if it meant that they were living somewhere else or not remembering who you were.
Luckily, I know that wherever they are, they remember you. No one could forget such an amazing mom!
Hello, Kate.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazingly strong person and I am not sure how you make it through each day, but you do, which shows others there is hope and that it is possible to pick yourself up (at least some days) even after the most unbelievably horrific events. About.your nightmares...I believe ur dreaming the kids are alive but dont remember u or are living with your mom because in your mind you feel like you have moved on and created a new life and u feel guilty about this...however u need to know that u will never move into a new life without bringing kate and peter with you (which could be what your last dream was about)...whereve they are they are with you always (which ur weddding pic above shows and the fact that you needed them with you that day and.you didnt feel them probably contributed to your nightmares and I think after seeing the wedding picture that shows you they were there all along allowed you to not feel guilty and lets you kbow they approve and are with you, which is another reason last dream probably ended well. I hope you continue to find the strength to help others and to share your loving and wonderful children with the world....you are truly amazing!