Everyday is basically the same. I experience same crazy kaleidoscope of emotions with slight variations in order and intensity, but really - they're the same.
I still wake up every morning and think, "Wait...what? My kids are dead?" as I wrote many months ago. That's usually followed by my best attempt at denial and disbelief after which I inevitably move into a state of confusion and anger.
Lately I've found myself asking my friends, "Were they real? Were they really here? Are you sure?!" It's been so long since I've seen or held or talked to my kids that it doesn't seem as if they could have been real.
And I fear that I'm forgetting. That's awful.
So I sit down to blog and think, "I've already said all of this." It really is the same same shit, different day scenario. And it's getting old. Real old.
This is the point at which I wish and hope and pray that maybe this is a game and someone is gonna come down form the heavens and say, "Ok, you've done enough. You've lasted a year and a half without them, you've proved your strength and now you can have your kids back." It's completely delusional, but I don't care. I want them back.
I know you've read all of this before which is why I haven't written lately. I don't want to subject you to the same posts over and over and over again. But I guess this blog is supposed to be my journey and, unfortunately, this is it.
I'm guessing that other parents who have lost children feel the same way. I'm also guessing that this is pretty much how we're gonna feel forever.
I try really hard to experience joy and happiness in my life. And I do sometimes, really. I mean, in less than two weeks I get to marry a wonderful and amazing man, who I love very much. That's exciting! It gives me hope for the future and brings me joy! Unfortunately, that hope and joy is matched by an equal amount of sadness and guilt.
I know that it's ok to be happy. I know my kids would want me to be happy. I also know that it will never feel right to be happy when my kids are dead. It just won't. And that's the way it is.
As I'm typing I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop judging my emotions as good or bad. I'll try to take a more Buddhist approach and experience them as they come without attaching a value to them. If I'm sad I'm sad. If I'm happy, so be it. It just is. I'll see how that goes.
I have about 300,000 things to do in the next two weeks, for which I'm actually thankful. I'm looking forward to this new stage of my life. So I'm gonna go get started. I'll do my best to keep writing - happy or sad - and let you know what's going on. As always, thank you for reading and commenting and praying and sending love. It helps more than you could ever know.