Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I can't find the words...

Last time I wrote I was getting ready to embark on a nearly week-long camping trip with Ken and some friends. Well, that trip came and went and was both fun and challenging. On our way home I was looking through the pictures I took and thinking about what I wanted to write about my experience.

We went camping somewhere north of Toronto and the only way to get there from Pittsburgh is by driving through Buffalo. We had to drive by the site of the accident (mile 476.9 on I-90 Eastbound) on the way up and the way home. On the way to Canada I was, as always, very emotional as we drove by and had nightmares and panic attacks while trying to sleep that night. But I got through it.

On the way home, I tweeted as we drove by that particular spot, "Just passed mile 476.9 on the NY State Thruway. Again. Ugh."

Within a minute or two traffic stopped completely. We were stopped for over an hour. People got out of their cars and walked around, talking about what the hold up might be. Kids were playing in the grass. Helicopters were flying overhead. I knew it wasn't good. We heard there was an accident about a mile and a half ahead.

Traffic started to move again eventually. We passed a badly damaged van that had gone off the road and hit a tree. I immediately starting searching the internet to find out what had happened.

This is what I found:
Another car went off the road and two people died. Same town. Same road. Opposite direction.

The investigator named in the article is the same man I spoke with after my kids died. It's too weird.

Since I saw this, I am plagued with so many questions. Why? How? Why was I so close when this happened? (we weren't supposed to come home until the following day, but cut our trip short because of bad weather) What does it all mean? How are people completely fine one minute and dead the next? I just don't get it.

I have no words anymore. I feel like whatever I have to say - about my camping trip or school or my wedding - doesn't matter. I mean, people died. Again. I am stunned.

I didn't see the car my kids died in. I was somewhat removed from the situation by space and time. By the time I could get there it was all cleaned up.

Seeing the scene of an accident where people just died, in such a similar circumstance, has completely freaked me out. I don't know what to say.


  1. I can only imagine how hard it was to sit right there for so long. It is strange...that you would be there while another accident claimed two more lives. I am so sorry.

  2. Amy dearest, I too am sorry you had to go through this... I can't stop thinking that there has to be something of importance in this sad event for you. Something that will help you... Perhaps in a little while when your emotions are a little calmer the answer will come..
    My heart goes out to you dear Amy...
    Hugs xx

  3. I wish I had, as usual, some type of word or words strung together to make this pain go away. To make you feel hole again. You have indeed touched so many lives through this journey you are taking. All I can say is this. Amy your strength is amazing your heart is huge. It always has been from the first day we met. There is something special and magnificent about you. I don't know why people can be here one moment then gone the next. It terrifies me. I just have to believe that God has a bigger plan, something special for us ahead when it's our time to pass. I love you dear friend.

  4. I have no words for this either - in fact, was just pondering such a thing the other day when something prompted a memory from high school - a crash and the sudden loss of friends. I'm sorry for you - I'm sorry for the people you just wrote about and their families as well. It is strange and awful that you had to experience this again. You are a strong person with a tremendous capacity for giving, it appears. Sometimes, strange messages come to people like you. Was someone else hoping for comfort? Was your presences a serendipitous "good thing" for the souls lost that day? Who knows. You had such a unique, special bond with your kids - still do - and they know how strong you are - always there for them and they for you. Peaceful happy thoughts to you this week as you prepare for your happy day.

  5. I wish for you peace and healing, every day and especially now.

  6. Amy~ I have read your blog for a while now and am continuously amazed at your strength, courage, the 'realness' of you. I so wish I had words of comfort for you. I was too thinking that there had to be a reason you were there at that spot, at that time, in that place. The only thing I can think of is maybe your two angels were there for the two that had just died, kind of like God sent them to be there with them and in doing so, you were sent to be there with them just in a different way. You may not have seen them, but perhaps, upon reflection you will have felt them there. Maybe that was the plan for that day you passed by. I know you wish they were still here and would give your life to make that happen, to see them one more time. But to know they are working for a higher power greater than us, maybe you can take a little comfort in that?

    Love from Washington

  7. That is so strange. I would be asking Why, too. I am a sometimes reader who admires you and your blog, and I am asking Why? Maybe in some nonlinear way, even though it has been so painful and disturbing, something in you needed to see "the scene" as part of your grief. Maybe because you are going through this particular darkness now, you will be at a different inner place in the future, just where you need to be for some experience or opportunity??? I have no f'ing idea . . .

  8. Oh, Amy. Thinking of you.

    Although this may seem trite and not really accurate, I suppose, when I was a teenager, I remember reading an article about someone dying at about the exact time my little brother was born. So even though those people (and you) have unspeakable grief, some other people will also feel immeasurable joy. Hopefully that counts for something.

  9. I am thinking of you, Amy... I don't know why you were there at that moment, but God surely has a reason for it... It definitely is odd, especially since there were children involved. Maybe Kate and Peter helped to watch over those other children in some way?

  10. I would think it has something to do with those children involved but I wouldn't know what exactly. Your children are angels, they were there and you were drawn there with them. Just thoughts.

  11. It could just be a coincidence, but I wonder if there's something hazardous about that stretch of road.

  12. is it wierd that I had a dream about you last night? thought so...anyhow. I read this post a few days ago and cant get it out of my head. Ive followed your blog for a while now and am thankful for it and am amazed that you cont to live your life amidst saddness that I hope I never have to face. your a hero amy in more ways than you know.

    you didnt have control over either accident happening. and maybe thats the point. Sometimes I think things are just beyond us and even though we want to have been able to make them different, we cant. thats a hard truth and maybe part of grieving is realizing that it was out of our hands. and maybe im way off base, but those are just the thoughts of someone who thinks of you often and wishes you peace.