When I first thought about Christmas a few months ago I thought I'd try to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening and maybe hide somewhere until it was over. Then a couple of weeks ago I decided I'd try to embrace it - the same way I try to embrace Valentine's Day when I don't have a man in my life (that never really worked anyway). Now that I've experienced a few days of the commercial Christmas explosion I'd like to go back to my original plan.
Realistically I think I'll need to find a path somewhere in the middle. I think my kids would be disappointed if I hid from the holidays altogether. It's just really hard...as I'm sure anyone who's lost someone or who's missing someone or who's going through a difficult time at this time of year understands.
I just miss them!! For the past few days I've felt completely hollow, like someone sucked out the center of my being and left this empty, aching space. Like part of me is missing...which I guess it is. I would give anything to hug them, or hear them laugh, or hear them call me 'Mama'.
For the rest of this holiday season I'm going to do my absolute best to try to remember and share all of the wonderful holiday moments I've had with Kate and Peter over the years. I am thankful I have all of those memories. I have been truly blessed.
When I need to cry I'll cry (so a warning to everyone who will be around me this month - it could happen at any moment and it may not be pretty). When I feel like I can't breathe I'll make myself take another breath. When I really can't deal anymore I'll bake - for some strange reason that helps?! (I've already made brownies this morning and I'm moving on to biscotti and pumpkin cookies next) I guess you can tell how sad I'm feeling by how many baked goods come out of my kitchen.
I'd also love to find a place I could volunteer and help people who need help. I don't like sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it's been kinda hard not to lately. Honestly, if anyone knows of any places where they need volunteers, please let me know. It would help me and maybe I could help someone else too.
For today...I'm gonna get back to baking. And sharing. Here are a few pictures from December 2005: