Realistically I think I'll need to find a path somewhere in the middle. I think my kids would be disappointed if I hid from the holidays altogether. It's just really hard...as I'm sure anyone who's lost someone or who's missing someone or who's going through a difficult time at this time of year understands.
I just miss them!! For the past few days I've felt completely hollow, like someone sucked out the center of my being and left this empty, aching space. Like part of me is missing...which I guess it is. I would give anything to hug them, or hear them laugh, or hear them call me 'Mama'.
For the rest of this holiday season I'm going to do my absolute best to try to remember and share all of the wonderful holiday moments I've had with Kate and Peter over the years. I am thankful I have all of those memories. I have been truly blessed.
When I need to cry I'll cry (so a warning to everyone who will be around me this month - it could happen at any moment and it may not be pretty). When I feel like I can't breathe I'll make myself take another breath. When I really can't deal anymore I'll bake - for some strange reason that helps?! (I've already made brownies this morning and I'm moving on to biscotti and pumpkin cookies next) I guess you can tell how sad I'm feeling by how many baked goods come out of my kitchen.
I'd also love to find a place I could volunteer and help people who need help. I don't like sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it's been kinda hard not to lately. Honestly, if anyone knows of any places where they need volunteers, please let me know. It would help me and maybe I could help someone else too.
For today...I'm gonna get back to baking. And sharing. Here are a few pictures from December 2005:
Your children are gorgeous. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but you are amazing and strong. Plus, Pittsburghers are here for you. [many many hugs]
ReplyDeleteThose pictures are absolutely beautiful. I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still thinking about you. I don't know you, but came to this blog via That's Church and I think about you often.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and keep yourself surrounded by family and good friends.
ReplyDeleteSending love. I hope you know that if you ever feel really really lonely, you could just post something on your blog and 600 Burghers from That's Church would be at your door momentarily, with snacks and beer. It's true. Just thought you should know. We are all here for you.
ReplyDelete-Ashley
Having suffered a tremendous loss myself 17 months ago, I can relate to not wanting to mark holidays. Last Christmas I was basically shamed into putting up a tree for my visiting mother even though I felt no desire to even mark the time of year. The minute she left the driveway on her way back to the airport, the tree was thrown completely decorated back in the attic where it still sits.
ReplyDeleteDo what feels right for you, what you are comfortable doing. Don't feel the need to make others feel better or do anything you don't want to. You have to "remake" all your holidays and special times to be what you need them to be. It is your loss and your recovery. I wish someone would have told me that.
Indeed, the "That's Church" family has dragged you into the fold. We're like any goofy family I suppose....a little good mixed with the bad and some crazy on the side to keep it interesting!! But we're yours now and your ours and we can't wait to hear the stories about your beautiful Kate and Peter. Hugs to you. And, um, if you find yourself with nowhere to store the baked goods..... :0)
ReplyDeleteThose pictures are sweet and precious. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a place that needs you this season. I used to volunteer for Pittsburgh Cares (.org); they have a lot of different opportunities, and you can volunteer as little or as often as you like. I also recommend volunteering at the VA or an "old-folks" home. Both will be difficult (at least they were for me), but I think those people will appreciate it, as a lot of them are really lonely.
Amy
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started reading your blog a few weeks back, I immediately thought how much harder things for you may be in the coming weeks. So I'm resolved to try and help get you through by leaving comments when I can. I'm sure your kids know how hard this month will be for you and have sent plenty of angels rather it be on Christmas cards, or on top of the tree, or oraments to help you through.
As for volunteering, I think its a great idea. Last year I had a bit of a personal health crisis, I did a lot of praying and made a promise that I would try to be a better person try to volunteer more etc. So I have a few suggestions for you depending on what you are looking for, commitment, time of day to volunteer, etc. Since you have mentioned in your blog about your love of cooking and potentially going to culinary school, maybe the Jubilee Soup kitchen would be a good fit (http://jubileesoupkitchen.org/). They serve lunch everyday of the year and you just show up about 9:30am. Also, I'm sure one of your local churchs has a Meals of Wheels program that you can volunteer to help prepare the meals for. If you have the time to be trained and would like consistency in who you are assisting, you could receive traing from the Greater Pittsburgh Literacy Council (http://www.gplc.org/volunteer.cfm) and be a GED or English as a Second Language tutor. Finally, if you want to make a commitment but have your own schedule, you could sign up to be a pen pal with a soldier through Soldiers' Angel (http://www.soldiersangels.org/). You are assigned a "pen pal" who is currently deployed. When you sign up you are to write the soldier once a week and send occasional care packages giving words of encouragement and showing support.
So keep your head up and know that there are many people out there praying and pulling for you!
Stephanie
Oh, Amy. I don't have anything useful to say but I just wanted you to know we're still here reading and crying with you.
ReplyDeleteWe're especially thinking of you and praying for you this month.
Hang in there, Amy, we are all praying for you and your beautiful little ones. Best wishes for healing and hope during this tough season.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any children, so I can't imagine what it's like to lose them - but I have lost five close relatives this past year, and soon to lose another. They're not immediately family, so as my mother strings the decorations I'm not immediately struck by the loss. The hollow ache - and the tears, in multitude - come later, when I think of something I want to buy them or what dish I'm looking forward to eating with them when I realize they're not there anymore.
ReplyDeleteThis will be my first Christmas with a loss in the family, and I'm honestly not sure how well it's going to go. Ever since I started reading your blog, I put you in my thoughts and prayers, and I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I think the best we can do is take it one step at a time.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts so much for you. If baking brings you some relief (as it has done for me in the past) keep the oven going!!! I'm sure there are churches, personal care homes, and children's organizations that would welcome your confections. Check the events guide or community calendar on the PG and make a few calls. Perhaps you will find a volunteer opportunity that is a great fit along the way. Many prayers and blessings to you. And please keep breathing...we are here for you.
My aunt lost her husband (that she married at age 16) four years ago this December. Just a week ago she told me that, "once you loose someone really close to you, you just don't want to celebrate any more". I get that.
ReplyDeletefor volunteering: check your local women's shelter, or your local dept of social services (welfare office) and see if they have someone that organizes events etc for local foster children. we have a few foster parents that get together to wrap donated gifts for foster kids and have a party, etc.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something to make it all better, but we all know that can't happen. I wish you peace this holiday season and I hope you figure out the best way to celebrate for you. Your kids will love you no matter what you do, so never fear you're letting them down. Everyone has to grieve in their own way, especially when you had such a tremendous loss.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you now as you go through such a difficult time.
I found you through That's Church and just wanted to offer some love and support. Your children are beautiful beyond words. I wish there was something I could say, anyone could say, to make this holiday bearable. As I look at the pictures of your children and the ones of my own little guys (2yrs & 5 months) from our recent holiday trip to the mall - I not only feel sad, but scared and angry. If this could happen to you it could happen to any one of us ... and that's just wrong - unthinkably wrong. I hope reading your blog makes everyone sqeeze their kids just a little bit tighter.
ReplyDeleteYou can tell she really loved her brother.
ReplyDeleteDidn't see these photos before - they are just beautiful - such happy, well-loved kids.
ReplyDeleteThe Caring Place is a wonderful organization who help children and families cope with the death of a loved one. www.highmarkcaringplace.com and can always use volunteers. I've been volunteering there since my mom died and found that I get way more from that place than I ever imagined. Might be too soon for you, but maybe someday. Other families who have had devastating losses such as yours would benefit so much from someone like you who has actually been through a similar experience.
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