Well, it's Christmas Eve and so far I'm ok, I guess. I'm deep in denial, distraction and addictive facebook games. And, Kate and Peter were in a dream I had last night. I'm not exactly sure what we were doing, but when I woke up it felt like I had gotten to spend time with both of them.
Honestly, though, today seems surreal. I'm back to that "maybe my kids were never really here" or "they can't really be gone, they must be somewhere else" kinda thinking. I guess my brain's gotta do whatever it's gotta do to get through the moment. I'm just going with it.
Over the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time looking at pictures of past Christmases. My kids loved Christmas, as most kids do, and I'm glad I have so many photos of their smiling faces. Here are some of my favorites...
2002 - Kate's first Christmas. She was six months old. She sat up on her own and crawled for the first time on Christmas Day.
Honestly, though, today seems surreal. I'm back to that "maybe my kids were never really here" or "they can't really be gone, they must be somewhere else" kinda thinking. I guess my brain's gotta do whatever it's gotta do to get through the moment. I'm just going with it.
Over the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time looking at pictures of past Christmases. My kids loved Christmas, as most kids do, and I'm glad I have so many photos of their smiling faces. Here are some of my favorites...
2002 - Kate's first Christmas. She was six months old. She sat up on her own and crawled for the first time on Christmas Day.
2003 - Kate was 18 months old. Peter was happily growing in my belly :)
2004 - Peter's first Christmas
Kate was very proud of her first gingerbread house.
2005 - Christmas in Danville (my hometown).
Kate loved the chocolate fountain!
2006 - Christmas in Buffalo with Babci and Dziadziu (grandma and grandpa in Polish)
Once again, Peter passes out in the middle of playing.
2007 - A quiet Christmas at home in Pittsburgh.
2008
Kate's drawing of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa...
Thank you, everyone, for all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Again, it's difficult to explain how much everyone's support helps. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my gratitude.
Merry Christmas. God bless us, everyone.
I'm thinking about you today (obviously, since I checked your blog!) and will be tomorrow too.
ReplyDeleteA friend in Atlanta
Merry Christmas Amy! May you find moments of peace and joy tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Amy.
ReplyDeleteI'll have you in my heart tomorrow.
You are in my thoughts and prayers...may you have a blessed Christmas by being peaceful in the memories!
ReplyDeleteEvery time I visit this page, I do so with the thought that maybe I can leave a comment that might help make your day just a little bit brighter. And then I read your words & look at the pictures you've posted, & I find myself in awe of your words, your thoughts, your strength, your insights.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amy, for the wonderful gifts that you give to your many readers, and please know that you are in the hearts & thoughts of so many more than you will ever know.
Please keep your hart open, Amy. Your little ones are so very near you tonight. And every time you smile (I believe)you are sending them your love, and they are sending back to you, strength for another day. God Bless you.
ReplyDeleteSue
Please receive the strength I am sending out to you if that's possible. I hope you find rest tonight and meet with your angels again in your dreams.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts this evening and I know you will be tomorrow as well.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I will be thinking about you, and praying for you. You are so strong, you will be ok.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping some merry finds its way into your Christmas. If anyone deserves that much, it's you.
ReplyDeleteI was just praying for you and thought I'd check to see if you reposted. Bless you and peace be in your heart! —Marietta, Ohio
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Amy. There's a whole lotta love around you!
ReplyDeleteWhat beautiful, happy kids! Obviously you gave them many happy memories on Christmas. I pray that you continue to feel close to them during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteYour children's pictures are beautiful - they were so clearly well-loved and very happy. Thank you for sharing them with us. You're in my heart and prayers during this season of joy (and sorrow)!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Amy. You are always in my thoughts. Warm wishes from AZ.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today...You are in my thoughts always...Merry Christmas..
ReplyDeleteAngels watch over you dear Amy - Merry Christmas! God bless you today and always
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog often, but never know what to say. Your strength amazes me, and I often think of you. Please know there are many people sending warm thoughts your way during this holiday season. As a mom, I simply can not imagine what you are going through, but hopefully knowing there are so many supporting you helps in some small way. Your angels are with you today and always.
ReplyDeleteNothing I can write can take away the pain you are feeling, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Merry Christmas.
ReplyDeleteAmy, as I woke up this morning, you were the first thought that came to my mind. May each Christmas morning,starting with today, bring peace to your heart. Never stop smiling,you are loved beyond measure.
ReplyDeleteDear Amy - Merry Christmas. I as well as many, many others will be thinking about you today.
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you and keep you.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas. I think and pray about you often.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Amy. My thoughts and prayers are with you for a peaceful day. xx
ReplyDeleteMay the peace of Christmas find its way into your heart at some moment today. Stay as strong as you are.
ReplyDeleteAmy, Merry Christmas....may you find peace today and everyday. thanks for sharing the pics. thoughts and prayers with you this week and always. you're an amazing person.
ReplyDeleteformer burgher via florida
Amy, I thought of you in church yesterday, prayers to you this holiday season.
ReplyDeleteAmy, you are in my thoughts this Christmas morning.
ReplyDeletemerry christmas. my parents had two sets of poinsettas at church, one in honor of us kids and one that they got for me in memory of my two siblings that I never met, died as premies.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave woman to share your stories and pictures. May you have a beautiful day.
Amy:
ReplyDeleteAs a parent myself, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. But you are in our prayers, and we hope that you can find at least one moment of joy this Christmas season.
Scott
Dear Amy,
ReplyDeletePlease know that we in your "virtual" family, which is very real in our thoughts of you, our prayers, concerns and love, is with you today--just as we are every day. Thank you for all you give to us in your honesty and bravery, and the much-needed perspective you bring to our lives. May your heart be filled with peace today.
Happy holidays to you. Sending you peace, love, and strength this Christmas Day.
ReplyDeleteGood morning Amy! Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteWow A friend of mine on facebook posted your blog and asked for prayers for you and comments for a Mom who would be without her children at christmas. I also am but mine are grown up and having an empty nest when they get grown up is hard but I am making it. I have a friend who I grew up with that I recently just found and his life has just literally been blown away by his exwife taking off with his two twin girls whom he has joint custody of. He turned to alcohol and is an emotional cripple. I have tried to help him and I just dont know how. But I saw your blog today and the strength that you have amazes me. I shared this blog with him, he read some of it and all I can do is to hope and pray he realizes there are others out there with worse situations and that maybe he can learn how to deal with this situation in a less destructive manner. Thank you for sharing God Bless and I will continue to be a reader of your blog. Jerri
ReplyDeleteMay you find some moments of peace this holiday, you will be in my prayers~
ReplyDeleteSending love.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a few weeks--I found you from the That's Church blog...Your words have been very meaningful to me. A week ago, I lost my father suddenly, and I came back to your blog because I thought your words might help me get through this time. I know that it's not the same as losing two of your children, but a sudden loss is still difficult. I hope that you are getting through this Christmas as well as possible. Thanks for helping me get through this Christmas as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm still here too.
ReplyDeleteThat picture with the goofy faces is my favorite!
Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Merry Christmas!
Where's the christmas cookies?
I need a snack
Prayers
may you find peace of mind in the knowledge that your story has touched countless numbers of us, and that we are, in our own ways, sending you love and comfort.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
From another Amy
Merry Christmas Amy. You and your beautiful children are in my heart this holiday. I hope you have joy and peace this holiday and the coming new year.
ReplyDeleteWishing you as Merry a Christmas as it can be. How wonderful that you had the dream of the kids. They ARE with you.
ReplyDeleteYou remain in my prayers.
Peace to you.
Have been thinking about you and your angels all day. As Mrs. Soxman and I dressed the kids for the Christmas play on Tuesday one of the little guys broke out singing "spider Pig." Hope Peter enjoyed our performance and I'm so glad he let me know he was there.
ReplyDeleteHope your day was blessed with many happy memories. Love you.
Checked in to see how you were doing. Thanks for the beautiful photos. I'm glad you were able to feel them again - if only for a little while - this time of year. They are watching and loving you today, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAmy, Thinking about you today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the beautiful pictures of your kiddos. They are truly precious.
ReplyDeleteYou have been thought of often today, and are held up in prayer and love.
ReplyDeleteHi Amy. I felt so warm and happy and sad all at the same time as I looked at the pictures of the kids year after year. Oh I just love them sooo much. You've been on my mind all day today, and last night too. I'm so thankful to have you in my life as the great person and friend that you are.
ReplyDeleteKate and Peter were so blessed to have you as their mother. You totally GOT who they were as people and they knew that. You helped them shine so much in their short time here. That is so powerful.
Ilove you. Talk soon.
Peggy
I thought of you many, many times today, Amy. May God amaze you with the grace and peace only He can give. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteI know there is nothing I can say to make anything seem better for your right now. I have just finished reading all of your posts and just wanted to let you know you are a true insiration! Your strength thru this tradgedy is amazing.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your posts, I noticed you are my age. I have a 7 year old little boy and I just can't even begin to imagine your pain.
We all take life for granted each and every day. You have opened my eyes to realize just how short life really is...
Your Children are beautiful! And know that they are with you ALWAYS!!!
*Look for your pennies from heaven...*
I found a penny today
just laying on the ground
But it’s not just a penny
this little coin I’ve found
“Found” pennies come from heaven
that’s what my Grandpa told me
He said angels toss them down
oh, how I loved that story
He said when an angel misses you
they toss a penny down
Sometimes just to cheer you up
make a smile out of your frown
So don't pass by that penny
when you're feeling blue
It may be a penny from heaven
that an angel tossed to you
Thank you Amy for finding the strength and teaching us all...Thank you for your golden heart...Thank you to your darling children for showing us the way to love...
ReplyDeleteI love the photos you shared and are sharing with us your extended virtual family that cares about you and has you in our heart..
God bless You darling Amy!
~Adriana
Amy, you were on my mind all day yesterday. Because of you I truly embraced my time with my family yesterday and remembered how very blessed I am. You are in my prayers. In every picture you post of your children, their happiness just shines through. What a wonderful life you gave them!
ReplyDeleteHoping you found a sliver of peace this Christmas. You continue to amaze and inspire.
ReplyDeleteYou truly may be the strongest person I "know". May love and peace encompass you.
ReplyDeleteI was away for the holidays and without FB access (horrors!) but thought of you so often, Amy. I'm glad you are embracing the wonderful, happy Christmas memories you have. Kate and Peter look so blessed, happy and loved in every photo. Thank you for sharing them with us. Know that, as we look at them, we're smiling through tears right along with you. I only wish there was more we could say or do. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you. Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many this holiday season and every day!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I never know what to say, but want you to know that you are in my heart. The pictures of your children are simply adorable - thank you for sharing them. I hope you were able to find some merry this year, and I am very happy that you got to spend some time with them in your dreams.
ReplyDeleteWant to tell you a story. Fifteen years ago Christmas Eve I was walking out of UPMC very angry at God. One of my best friends, a man I'd known most of my life, who had been like a brother, and who, late in life, even became a priest, then a hospital chaplain, was dying. His third liver transplant wasn't working. I remember snapping out at the sky, "Where are all these miracles I keep hearing about?" When I got home, my wife told me Bill had died during my drive home. Out of nowhere, I don't know this came from, I couldn't have been thinking it, I said "I was lucky to have had him so long." Maybe that's the lesson here: we get the miracles up-front. We don't know how long we'll have them or what they'll mean to us in the here-and-now, but it's our job to recognize them. I think this site testifies to the fact that you recognized yours, that you honor them in memory and deed.
ReplyDeleteWe are lucky to have you. See how miracles work? I have no doubt you are due for many more.
Pittsburgh
You mentioned Danville - do you mean Danville, PA? I am actually from that area of PA (Milton, PA) - and went to Bloomsburg U (very close to Danville).
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing the gorgeous photographs of your children. It breaks my heart every time I look at your new posts, but it also gives me a sense of hope - you display such strength and courage, I know if you could get through this, I can get through anything. I lost my baby to miscarriage just a few months ago, and I think about her every single day... not a moment passes that I don't think about the what-if's and what she would look like now or who she would have become. It is just through my belief in God that I am able to muddle through - and every day I am stronger, and know that everything happens for a reason. I know it doesn't mean much to you because there is no reason that two children should ever die -- but I just know in my heart that those two beautiful babies are somewhere wonderful now...
God bless you!!!
I loved seeing the beautiful pictures of your kids. Thinking of you, and of them, now and throughout the season.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always, and especially throughout this season. Much love to you and those who help keep you going.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I'm just a stranger who's reading your blog, but I've been thinking of you during this time and praying for you to get through it.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLove the goofy face photo!
What precious children indeed.
Amy -
ReplyDeleteLike many others I stranger to you, but I am thinking of you and hoping that you find strength.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful photos and memories.
A pittsburgh mom
May god bless you and give you strength in this New Year.
ReplyDeleteEvery morning I thank God for waking up and for my many blessings I have received in my life up to that moment. I also I pray that one person, usually an anonymous child has an extra minute of joy, or one less tear, or that that boogie man leaves him alone for the day, well my pray tomorrow will be for you to have a little more joy and one less tear. God bless.
ReplyDelete