Yesterday I was thinking about getting through this Christmas without my kids...and how I've over planned and over scheduled so that I know for sure I won't have too much time to think...and I know I'll constantly be surrounded by friends. It occurred to me that maybe I will be able to make it through this year after all, when this thought popped into my head:
It's not just this Christmas...I have to get through every Christmas, every year, til the end of my time here on Earth without them.
That fucking sucks Santa's ass...and Rudolph's too!!! FUCK!!!
It may seem obvious to everyone else, but I was so focused on getting through this year that I temporarily forgot about the rest of time. I know all the stuff about "one day at a time" and "being in the moment" but really?!
I think one of the hardest things about this death/grief stuff is the permanence of all of it. Like, really, they're not coming back. I know they're here in spirit, but I prefer them with their bodies too.
I know I don't need to think about forever right now, but sometimes I do.
So there. I said it, it's out there and hopefully getting it out will make it feel a little more bearable. Thank you all for listening.