Monday, April 4, 2011

Where does the time go?

Last week was my week off and I had high hopes for blogging. Now the week is over and I completed almost one post (which I'll publish now even though it's sort of after-the-fact), but that was it.

Now the week of the anniversary is upon me and, though I will be starting my new classes at school and spending time working at my new job, I can think of nothing else. How is it possible that it's been almost two years since I've held my babies?! It doesn't make sense. It's getting difficult to believe that they were real. I know they WERE real and that they still are but somehow, in this physical plane of existence, it just doesn't add up.

I don't know what to do this year on the anniversary. I sort of want to crawl in a cave and hide until it's over however that day, the 6th, is my first day of class. I've emailed my instructor to let him know why I probably won't be myself that day, but I know it will be difficult to even be present in that class. I'm sure he would understand if I didn't come, but I hate missing the first day - I'll feel like I'm behind for the rest of the quarter. I need to find some super-human strength to get through it.

After class I plan to spend time with some good friends and I'd like to do something to honor and remember my kids but I have no idea what. None. Zippo. Not a clue. Maybe this year just getting through the day will be enough.

If you don't hear from me for a week or so, don't worry. I'll be ok. I may find that I need to write because often that's a good way of dealing with my emotions, but I have a feeling I'm going to be more quiet this time around.

10 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and your babies during this difficult week. Maybe just going to class and living your life - moving forward, spending time with friends - is one way to honor their happy, happy lives. Peace and goo thoughts to you during this difficult time.

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  2. Ooops - "good" thoughts, that is :-)

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  3. I reckon you will find your way through... whatever you do Amy, I'm sure you'll be honouring Kate and Peter. It doesn't matter about the specific - whether we visit the grave or not; make floral tributes or let off balloon - we continue to love our children in death, as we did in life - and that is the best that anyone can give.

    It is our first anniversary the following week (on the 13th). Like you, it still has a surreal quality to it. I have no idea what I will do on the day either xx

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  4. I happened to be in P'burgh last Apri-we took a trip down blue slide and wrote their names on one of the cardboard pieces. Will be in Buffalo-have never met you, but follow your blog. Will be thinking of you-I hope P'burgh turns out a beautiful spring day, like last year-but, no matter, even it if it it is grey and rainy, will be thinking of your kids. There were so many yummy bakeries in P'burgh, I found it hard to come back to Bflo-wishing you all the best in your new endeavors. Maybe just posting some pictures would be a way to show us all their beautiful smiles. I hope you dream of them and get to hold them.

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  5. Amy, I have been thinking about you lately, hoping this week won't be any harder than all the others are.

    I know you are not soliciting suggestions, but maybe you can do something with a butterflies/"callapitters" on the 6th. Does Phipps still have the butterfly garden? Perhaps you will be able to find a smile through the tears, even if only for a moment.

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  6. Thinking of you and sending hugs. I hope you can spend the day with people who love you and love your children.

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  7. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

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  8. Hugs and prayers to you.
    Dawn

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  9. You're in my thoughts, especially tomorrow. Hugs and prayers.

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  10. Thinking of you today and holding you and your beautiful children in my heart.

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