and today is one of those days :(
I mean, I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with everything going on in my life, as I mentioned in my last post. I actually got so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I completely wigged out yesterday and went to a yoga class instead of going to school. Honestly, it was the best decision I've made in a while. After I did the whole downward dog - legs up the wall - ohm - namaste extended dance remix (I'm talking about yoga people, not sex - I swear) and I felt all chilled out and grounded, I got a lot of stuff done for a change!
But because I still have 999,984 things to do I was trying my best to have another productive day today. I was just doing my thing, getting ready to dive into some homework when sometime around 4:30 this giant cloud of sadness enveloped me and sucked out all of my drive and motivation and even my desire to keep breathing. I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there. And it won't go away. I hate it! Fuck you, stupid sadness!!!
Now I'm useless. I feel so empty that I can't even feel the emptiness anymore, not that that makes any sense. It's a scary empty feeling. Maybe I can't feel it because I'm afraid of it. I know I'm afraid to start crying because I may never stop.
Let me just say this please...I want my kids back!!! I know I feel them with me a lot of the time, but I want them back the regular way. I want to take them swimming and to Kennywood and I want to hear them fight with each other and say, "Mama, he/she won't leave me alone!" I want to complain that summer is too long and I can't wait for school to start because we're all stir crazy! But I can't!!
Then I think, 'well, I'm getting married again. I could have more kids.' BUT I DON'T WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT MY KIDS, DAMMIT!!!!!! I don't want to move on or move forward I just want my old life back the way it was, with all it's imperfections and my amazing, beautiful, wonderful kids. I would do anything. I mean it.
I could sit here and kick and scream and cry and swear and bargain with the universe all day, but it gets me nowhere. It won't bring them back. Nothing will. Fuck.
So what to do now? That is the question.
I guess I'll try to use my superhuman coping skills to stuff my feelings somewhere and tell the cloud of sadness where to stick it. I mean, I gotta do my homework eventually. I'm guessing that skipping two classes in a row would be frowned upon.
But really, who gives a shit about homework? In the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Maybe I'll just go to bed early and explain to my instructor why I didn't get my homework done. I'm sure he'll understand. I think. Oh, who cares.