and today is one of those days :(
I mean, I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with everything going on in my life, as I mentioned in my last post. I actually got so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I completely wigged out yesterday and went to a yoga class instead of going to school. Honestly, it was the best decision I've made in a while. After I did the whole downward dog - legs up the wall - ohm - namaste extended dance remix (I'm talking about yoga people, not sex - I swear) and I felt all chilled out and grounded, I got a lot of stuff done for a change!
But because I still have 999,984 things to do I was trying my best to have another productive day today. I was just doing my thing, getting ready to dive into some homework when sometime around 4:30 this giant cloud of sadness enveloped me and sucked out all of my drive and motivation and even my desire to keep breathing. I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there. And it won't go away. I hate it! Fuck you, stupid sadness!!!
Now I'm useless. I feel so empty that I can't even feel the emptiness anymore, not that that makes any sense. It's a scary empty feeling. Maybe I can't feel it because I'm afraid of it. I know I'm afraid to start crying because I may never stop.
Let me just say this please...I want my kids back!!! I know I feel them with me a lot of the time, but I want them back the regular way. I want to take them swimming and to Kennywood and I want to hear them fight with each other and say, "Mama, he/she won't leave me alone!" I want to complain that summer is too long and I can't wait for school to start because we're all stir crazy! But I can't!!
Then I think, 'well, I'm getting married again. I could have more kids.' BUT I DON'T WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT MY KIDS, DAMMIT!!!!!! I don't want to move on or move forward I just want my old life back the way it was, with all it's imperfections and my amazing, beautiful, wonderful kids. I would do anything. I mean it.
I could sit here and kick and scream and cry and swear and bargain with the universe all day, but it gets me nowhere. It won't bring them back. Nothing will. Fuck.
So what to do now? That is the question.
I guess I'll try to use my superhuman coping skills to stuff my feelings somewhere and tell the cloud of sadness where to stick it. I mean, I gotta do my homework eventually. I'm guessing that skipping two classes in a row would be frowned upon.
But really, who gives a shit about homework? In the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Maybe I'll just go to bed early and explain to my instructor why I didn't get my homework done. I'm sure he'll understand. I think. Oh, who cares.
Goodnight.
We care, Amy. Those of us who read your posts and feel your pain the best we can through your written words, care. We care so much more than we can express.
ReplyDeleteI won't tell you to keep your head up, etc. It's not always possible. Just know that you're not alone, nor ever will be. We, your readers, are here for you on the good days & the bad. Though I usually read without commenting, I had to on this post, just to let you know... We care!
I liked this post. So much. So honest. So perfect. I hope it helped a bit to write it.
ReplyDeleteI hope your sleep and dreams bring you a hug and some peace.
Praying for you, girl. Always.
Kick and scream.
ReplyDeleteYou're life is changing a lot right now and I think part of you is resisting any change because (in your mind) change takes you away from your kids. It is OK to feel this way!! Please know that you are have the love of a million (and two) people and we are all rooting for you...this will pass, and you will be Okay.
Hugs.
Amy, so often you are in my thoughts and prayers. When I am around children, I often want to tell them "please enjoy how awesome your life is because those kids don't get those chances anymore" but then I remember what it was like to be young and innocent and I want them to stay like that forever.
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't think this is the reason you write, your writing gives me (and others) strength and courage.
Hugs!
I have no words of wisdom and nothing that I could possibly say would take away even an ounce of your pain. Just know that you have people around the country, people who you have never met, who are praying for you, thinking about you, and who are being helped in ways you might not think possible by the honesty that you put forth in your posts.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself.
Amy, I'm lifting you up in my thoughts! May peace be with you, I wish it with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteSending a hug your way for whatever it is worth.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Amy. You'll get through this, I know. I am just so sad that you have had to go through it today, and so many days since you lost your beautiful children. You are remarkable, but you don't always have to be strong. Still so sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteReading your thoughts, have made me a better person. Thank you for blessing me.
Change is tough, you are doing waaaay better than you think. Change is constant too. Hang in there....
Your post made me think of one of my favorite Winston Churchill quotes: "If you're going through hell, keep going." None of us know how you keep going, but we're inspired and so very grateful that you do. We all care, very deeply. Wishing you a peaceful night...and a much, much shorter to-do list tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts, prayers, and in my heart. Although I've never "met" you I know that I have never nor probably will ever "meet" a stronger woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your sadness, you are a very strong woman because I couldn't move on either. Kate and Peter were lucky to have you as their mother for such a short period of time period!
ReplyDeleteDear Amy,
ReplyDeleteNice going in telling that giant cloud what to do with itself! When that cloud starts, kick its ass...
Fact is you are pulling thru...have tons of friends...test the water if you have any doubt who stands with you...
Sounds like that yoga needs you more...
Mike
Sending you peaceful thoughts ... praying and thinking of you, as always. I really felt your desire to have them back here - REALLY felt it. I know you think about it all the time, and I know you'll pick up and move forward again in that amazing way that you have. I've said it before - will say it again - you are an amazing mommy - what lucky little cupcakes. I'm so sorry they aren't with you - next to you, going to Kennywood, swimming. Know that they love you, though - know they are watching. Hang in there. So sorry for all this pain.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain you live with everyday. I do know what is is like to want someone that you lost back. I lost my father last year, my personal cheerleader. No matter what I was perfect in his eyes. I know the pain of that loss. I know that will not make you feel better but maybe it will help you. Reading your post reminds me that sadly there are other people out there that fell the pain of loss. Somehow it helps me. I hope the clouds part for soon.
ReplyDeleteWhether you believe it or not, by writing, you are changing how others (like me) are treating their time and their days...I hope and pray that I am taking my time with my kids, annoyances and all, a little less for granted because of having read your posts, and felt, even just for a second, a bit of your grief. Keep shouting -- and skip another class if it makes you feel better because in the grand scheme of things, its all about whatever you need to get through the day, and then wake up and get through tomorrow, knowing that people are reading about you and cheering for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs --
Kathy Clarks
Sending hugs! x
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI also have no great words of wisdom to offer, but when the “sadness” sets in for me I to say out loud for it to go “F off”. To get away and don’t come back…it’s hard I know but try to focus on the positive things you have going on in your life.
Amy - YOU ROCK!!! Your strength amazes me. My "child" is 30, and if I lost her, well, let's just say I hope I would/could be as strong as you are! If I lost my grandkids, I'm not sure than I could stand it. When your days are dark, know that you are helping others by expressing your anger, frustrations, hopelessness, etc. Not that doing that makes you feel any better, and it doesn't bring back the two things you want most, but in doing so you ARE helping others. Keep ranting and raving if that's what you need to do, and screw going to class until you feel like it. Do whatever it takes to make it through the clouds and out the other side... happiness awaits you...
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Dawn
Shit. Life can be so f--king unfair ... why??? I can appreciate wanting your "old life" back. We can't go back, huh? I can only hope that it all makes sense somehow in the end. That each day, every good and bad situation we go through will all lead to some purpose. Only God knows ... sometimes I wish we did too. Blessings and peace are sent your way today and everyday. Thanks for putting in words what so many feel.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. No two ways about it. No words can change anything. Hope you feel better soon, though, and that big nasty cloud drifts away...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say to make you feel better because I really don't think anything could. All I will say is that you are amazing, and your children ADORE you. No matter where you go in life you go, and what choices you make, your kids are going to be SO proud of you. You are amazing! I hope you feel better soon, Amy!
ReplyDeleteWhatever you dish out, whatever you feel, your readers are with you all the way.
ReplyDelete