Ken and I have been working hard on planning our wedding. I have my dress, the invitations have been sent out and the big day is less than two months away. Obviously, we've opted for a short engagement. The way I see it, we know we want to get married to let's just get on with it already :)
Here's where I need your help...
We're planning the ceremony ourselves. It's going to be fairly short and simple - outdoors, in a park on what will hopefully be a beautiful fall day. We've got most of it figured out. We've selected some readings and chosen our vows. One of Ken's best friends is going to be our officiant, which I think is great. What we're having a difficult time conceptualizing is how to somehow include Kate and Peter in the ceremony.
I always imagined my kids would be at my wedding. Even 4 years ago, soon after Steve and I separated, I had an intuitive feeling I'd be 35 when I got married again, which I am, and that they would be 8 and 6, which they would have been. I could see Kate in a beautiful white dress with long, flowing curls and Peter in a little tux - even though no one else will be wearing a tux. Sadly, that's not how it will be and I have a hard time envisioning that day without them. The thought of it always reduces me to tears.
So I have to find a way to recognize them and honor their spirits. I know they will be on every one's minds, so I want to do something that's as positive as possible, not something to just make everybody sad. But what?! I have no idea.
I spoke with one wedding officiant who told me that most people pause for a moment of silence at the beginning of the ceremony to remember those who are not there. Unfortunately, that just won't cut it. I need something more - more personal, more special, more them! I've thought about having Kate and Peter's friends do something (many of them will be there), but again, I don't know what. Any ideas or suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated!!!
While I'm beyond excited for our wedding I know that it will simultaneously be one of the happiest and saddest days ever. Obviously, I'm overjoyed at the idea of marrying Ken and I can't wait to begin our lives together. At the same time, I think it really will be hard to get through the day knowing my kids aren't physically there. I know they will be there in spirit and I hope and pray they will feel how much they are loved and missed by everyone who will be in attendance.
I'm on doing my post and happened to see yours :-). For what it's worth (and, obviously, many people know you better than I do), I think it might be nice to have a physical reminder of them at the ceremony. Could their friends put together a little centerpiece or "bouquet" - for lack of a much better word - with little things that remind them of Kate and Peter on the petals or "blooms" - like the way Peter said "callapitter" or liked MarioKart so much or maybe some photos Kate took with her own camera or something? They could sit where people enter. Maybe the kids could do all the event decorations aside from flowers or whatever. Also, I wear my Dad's old ring when I want him near - I look at pictures now - of my Enzo's first day of preschool or my youngest's baptism, and I see the ring, and I think of him. Do you have something of theirs or something from them that you could wear? Just thoughts....
ReplyDeleteAnyway, congratulations on all this. It sounds like you are happy with Ken, and I know you'll really miss your kids that day, but... you know this is what they want for you. I'm very happy for you.
Do you have any artist friends who could paint or draw them as you imagine them looking on your wedding day? It won't be May, but how about having the children do a May Pole or sing a favorite song of Peter and Kate's? Did they have any jewerly or something that could be custom made as part of your wedding band? For example, my grandmother had a grandmother's pin and when she died, the stones were removed and each grandchild got a ring with their stone. Hopefully Peter and Kate will send thoughts your way of how they would like to be a part of your wedding day.
ReplyDeleteAmy, though I don't know you, I have been reading your blog for a while and am touched by your story and inspired by your strength. Maybe in your wedding ceremony you could include a reading from one of your childrens' favorite books or authors? All my best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteYou have talked about songs and singers that your kids liked. How about playing a song that they really liked, maybe that song from HSM you mentioned. I also like the idea of some sort of physical reminder of them. Is there something that just says Peter and Kate that everyone (or just you and Ken) could hold up at the appropriate time? I would suggest releasing balloons or something, but probably not so good for the environment. Maybe doves are?
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best. I also think it is great that you are not wasting any time.
I love GerdieMom's idea - both the painting and the Maypole sound like wonderful ideas. Maybe you could also do a unity candle, and have photographs/a painting of the two of your angels on either side of the unity candle. You can also maybe play some of their favorite music, like from Kate's Pandora radio station.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking also a release of butterflies would be nice. It would be a neat way to send a message to them in heaven, and also a little tribute to "callapitter".
I am so thrilled for you and Ken - I feel like I know you guys, even though we haven't ever met. I wish you MANY happy years and a future full of joy, love and unity!
I would have Kate and Peter everywhere! You can get cuff links, brooches, necklaces and bouquet charms on Etsy that you can put photos in. I would have a photo of the four of you on the program. I would use photos as place cards at the head table- you with P&K and Ken with P&K (we only had two people at our head table- me and my husband.... it was actually pretty nice). You could have Kate's favorite color and Peter's favorite color be your "wedding colors". You could even serve their favorite foods as appetizers, main dishes, side dishes or dessert (baguettes! sorbet! cereal bar!). Their favorite music is a given.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you will have to try so hard to have them there. Everyone will be looking for the two of them. Everyone will see them, feel them and know they are indeed present.
I think you are going to have a beautiful wedding.
What about handing everyone 2 white Gerber daisies (or pansies, even?) as they come in? Then when you look out at the gathering, you'll see all those "Kate and Peter" flowers looking back at you two. And maybe you could carry 2 white roses with you as you walk down the aisle?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was married, we has a rose on the chancel rail for each of our grand parents who had passed already, but in this case, I think it calls for something a little more special.
I just read your previous post and then this one, so my first thought was you could have two pansies in your bouquet.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anonymous and carrying pansies or the kids favorite flowers. Maybe one in your hair if that works? Or is there a way to stitch something they loved (like part of their favorite blanket or shirt) together so you could carry it with your flowers so its like they are holding your hand as you walk down the aisle. I wouldn't go overboard as you said for if they were here, the emphasis would be on you & Ken but whatever role they would have played at the wedding (flower girl/ring bearer, walkig you down the aisle etc) have them close to you during that part of the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a reception after, play their favorite songs and dance! I bet they will love it. Something tells me Peter & Kate will send you a sweet sign on your wedding day and show you they are there without you having to do anything!
Congrats!
I did a live butterfly release at my wedding and it was easily the most breathtaking and beautiful five minutes of my life. It requires a little advance planning since you have to hatch the butterflies, but it's absolutely worth it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post ... My first thought was a butterfly release! It seems that others have already suggested this too. I also love the idea of the two flowers in your flowers, as well.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you Amy!
Caara
I saw someone post about having a painting/portrait done of them. I love that idea. My Uncle Jack (John) Foflygen is a wonderful, experience portrait painter. See some examples of his artwork here: http://www.imagekind.com/GalleryProfile.aspx?gid=882e3f70-f573-438c-9d8a-70a5bca4dde1
ReplyDeleteReleasing butterflies seems fitting, as well.
Perhaps you could have scrapbooks set out on a table nearby?
You can release some sky lanterns for them! they are beautiful!
ReplyDeletewww.skylaterns.com
Oh - the pansy idea is very nice .... those yellow flowers were awfully important to Peter - and to you... would be nice. Though - I had to check back because all these ideas are so great. Butterflies would be beautiful too - and very symbolic of your relationship with them now.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could incorperate all of these things that remind you of them & hang them from the top of the overhead altar. (if you are having one). Like cattapillars, pansies & butterflies made from paper mache?...
Instead of carrying a bouquet, carry in your arms a beautifully framed photograph of your children?
ReplyDeleteadded - you could choose the wedding colors to match whatever your children are wearing in that photograph, or whatever photograph you choose to be prominently displayed.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a chuppah, a canopy symbolizing the home that you and Ken will build together, made from their blankets?
ReplyDeleteIf any of Kate's and Peter's friends are willing to sing a song or two, I would definitely go with that, for two reasons. One, I think that singing in union is something that opens our perception or raises our vibration, bringing us closer to "the other side" whether or not we can see it. Second, the occasion of your wedding is one where they will definitely be present, so why not make the activity honoring them one that recognizes that fact. One cavaet is that the sound tends to be not great at outdoor events. One of my friends had friends sing at her outdoor wedding and no one could hear them :-(
ReplyDeleteWhen my friend (the groom) came down the aisle he put a rose on what would have been his mother's seat. Her name was Rose.
ReplyDeleteMaybe after you come down the aisle you can put a flower or item that reminds you of each of them in the first two chairs, in your bouquet, or even on the alter.
I hope you have a beautiful Pittsburgh day!
I was at a wedding last year and shortly before the wedding the bride & groom each lost a beloved grandparent. When we entered the church there was a table set up on the side. The had beautiful pictures displayed of both grandparents through the years and also with the bride & groom. they also had a few items there, pocket watch, favorite cameo, etc. It was beautiful. I hope that maybe I helped spark an idea for you. Maybe you could place on each table a small snack bowl with their favorite treat. Best wished to you both.
ReplyDeleteI love Elizabeth's suggestion about handing each guest two flowers at the door, so you could see a reminder of K & P everywhere.
ReplyDeleteBetcha your kids will come up with a way to be there for you though :).
Good luck!!
I remember your saying how much they loved music and how you feel their presence when you listen to music as well -- so music was the first thing that popped into my head as well.
ReplyDeleteBut Elizabeth's idea about handing out 2 flowers to each guest -- I agree, that's beautiful.
First of all.... YAY and Congrats. I simply LOVE your blog and your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI know it's nowhere near the same, but my sister passed away about a year before my wedding... she would have been my maid of honor. I wanted to do something to honor her, but like you, didn't want to make it sad b/c this was about a happy reminder. What I decided to do was take a scarf that she always wore and wrap it around the base of my bouquet. There are also little picture frames that pin onto bouquets too if you want to carry K&P's photos with you.
Love the flower idea, too.
Have you asked the kids what they would like? I know they like to chat with you in dreams sometimes.
Instead of a bouquet of flowers, just two flowers wrapped in a beautiful ribbon with two locket sized pictures of your children. At the reception you can place on the table yellow pansies as the centerpieces. Just a thought. Best wishes to you both.
ReplyDeleteHi Amy,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for quite some time but this is my first time commenting. Words cannot express how I admire your strength and spirit! I appreciate your approach and the fact that your posts are real and heartfelt. Your wedding day will be filled with love and happiness all around you and I'm sure Kate and Peter will be close by. Let's face it, those kids know when you need them most.
Many people in the comment section have already suggested lockets but I wanted to send a specific one. I once saw a bride pin a picture of her mom on one shoe and dad on the other, as they had both passed away. It might be nice for you to have your kids walk you down the aisle, so to speak.
The following link has customizable charms to attach to the pin.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/54108105/bridal-bouquet-photo-frame-pin-with-mom
Also, a great way to have them really represented would be to let guests know, via a printed card with a picture/note, that in lieu of a wedding favor a donation has been made in their name to Kate and Peter's Treehouse project. Just a thought.
I hope your planning continues to go well. Sending tons of good thoughts your way!
-Allie
You have said before that you have kept so much of there stuff. How about if you were to wear something that was special to each of them. That way a part of them will be with you. Also I love the pansy idea for each guest. Have a great wedding!
ReplyDeleteI also immediately thought of the butterfly release to symbolize Kate's & Peter's spirits as well as a tribute to callapitter. One of my favorite wedding ceremonies was that of my daughter's Kindergarten teacher who included her class in her wedding ceremony -- having all of the children sing immediately after the vows. It was very special and memorable to all in attendance. She then had a children's reception. You could do the same perhaps having refreshments for the kids afterwards and the kids helping to plant a butterly bush or some other perennial in the park as another living tribute to your children. (Don't think the city or county will mind. Good Luck to you & Ken.
ReplyDeleteMaybe also wedding favors featuring some of their favorite toys. Who wouldn't want to go home with a Spider man sticker or a perfect princess pink cupcake?
ReplyDeleteI love all these ideas! I think I remember you and Kate having matching heart necklaces-perhaps you could wear that? I love the idea of a children's reception. I know Kate loved art--maybe the kids could have a little "art table" at the reception and make pictures for you and Ken? And of course beige food for Peter. I'll try to keep thinking but I am sure Kate and Peter will tell you the best idea. (How about Peter Kate shoes from that designer?)
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather died less than a week before my wedding 7 years ago. He had been an important part of my life, and had offered us much wisdom when it came to marriage. He and grandma were married for 67 years!
ReplyDeleteAt the wedding, we had a special table near the altar with a picture of him on it. We also had one single red rose there. When the ushers came up to light the candlelabras, they also lit the candle on the table with my grandfather's picture.
At the end of the ceremony, when we went outside, instead of having people throw rice or whatever, we had everyone release a balloon with my grandfather's name on it and a special prayer.
I vote for a Balloon release at the end, combined with some of the wonderful personalized ideas already suggested. You are correct--a simple mention at the start of the ceremony is grossly insufficient in this case.
ReplyDeleteMore ideas: http://www.lyssabeths.com/memorializing_deceased_family_members.html
How about setting up a tree swing somewhere? People could swing and remember Kate and Peter and swing in joy and luck to you! (Swinging is in some cultures considered an act of renewal and joy. And it is super fun, especially for dressed up adults!) --ARB
ReplyDeleteAmy, I am so happy for you and Ken- congratulations! I love the idea of letting butterflies go during the ceremony, or two doves. What about displaying some of their artwork (so many it would be hard to pick!) on a table as people enter? I remember the picture Kate did with her painted finger prints that was framed and hung in your dining room and I always thougt it was so creative and beautiful. I also love the idea of adding two pansies in your arrangement. Whatever you decide will be perfect and I know they will be with you, feeling the love of so many on your special day. Take care!
ReplyDeletewhat does Ken think? He knew your kids too. Maybe something special from him and you. What a happy day it will be for you. The start of a new adventure, new memories,new life. I'm so happy you have been blessed again. I'm sure your kids had something to do with you two getting together.They want their Mom happy.
ReplyDeleteButterflies...lots and lots of butterflies...maybe release them during the ceremony?
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of releasing butterflies at the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteI love the sky lantern idea. They are so beautiful when released (and they're biodegradeable too, so you don't have to worry about making Pittsburgh less green). Unfortunately, that would only have it's full effect at night.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, I think you should line the aisle with those little pansies that keep poppin up in your walkway. Seriously, that is my favorite post that you've shared with us.
A table set aside for them,
ReplyDeleteSome of their favorite indulgences on the,, maybe a picture or two.
In the Military for a formal event we set a place for those who haven't returned. On it is,..
Salt - from our tears
Lemon wedges -to remind us of the bitterness of losing them
Breadf - or their memory sustains us just as bread does
water - to remind us because it's free just as we are....
It's a pretty moving tribute and I'm sure whatever you do it will be the right thing.
We take all of our pictures with Delaney in them. It has to be a picture but she is still part of our family so in she goes. in your boquet put tiny pictures. But have two chairs set for them where they would have been standing with their pictures. If Kate was to be a jr bridesmaid put a chair in her spot with her picture and her flowers. And for Peter as a groomsman put a chair with his pic and a boutiner. They are your children and no matter what they will be there. And you will feel them. Have seats for them at the dinner table at the reception. Delaney goes everywhere with us. aNd our family thinks of her also. She is always remembered.
ReplyDeleteYou will know what is right for you. And when you find it it will be so perfect for your day. Maybe a beautiful picture frame with Butterflies on it. Butterflies are the sign of life. A new life. Which is what you will be entering into with Ken. But because it is new does not mean that you get rid of the old.
Look for the signs the kids will send you to guide you to what is right for you.
gentle thoughts.
kelly
hello Amy...the first thought that came to my mind was to have reserved seats for Kate & Peter...you know they will be there in spirit, why not give them a front row seat!!! Maybe even place a special object on the seat as well. It could be a fav toy to a special hair bow! (Anytime i think of Peter i think of his red rocketship from little einsteins) Anything that reminds you of them! But no matter what you do to honor them...it will be special!
ReplyDeleteStephanie from The Club
My friend lost her mother to breast cancer when she was 6. She used six roses in her bouquet to signify the six years that they spent on earth together. Because of the last post, you could use pansies to do the same. Just a suggestion but I am sure that whatever you choose will be special. (:
ReplyDeletei love the painting/drawing of the children as you envision them. two questions: 1. will you be able to look at it everyday without losing it, and 2. would you be able to find someone who could do your gorgeous children justice? if both answers are yes, i love that idea.
ReplyDeletethe flowers, everyone holding two, just made me cry even more than i was already.
i must admit that i skimmed through much of the wedding/recent stuff to read more about your kids. i missed what you are doing for the after party. what about serving some of their favorite foods? baguettes, bagels, mango- (was it nectarine?) sorbet.
just a thought
i also love the idea of a children's book passage. im sure you can find something from a book that they loved in their time. or you could display things that were important to them, including those books you mentioned earlier. im sure you will have photos. how about a little table where Kate and Peter's friends can do some simple little crafts? these are cute for the girls, theseand these should be good for both?
cant wait to hear what you end up with. im sure it will be perfect whatever you decide!
xoxo
lis
is there a place where you could plant a 2 butterfly bushes? You could have the holes dug in advance so the planting is a quick part of teh ceremony,
ReplyDeleteYou can give each of your guest a small bag of flower seeds, varieties that will attract butterflies. You could attach a note with instructions to plant the seeds next spring.
i am listening to my headphones at work and hallelujah just came on. how about having that sung? i remember you said Kate loved that song.
ReplyDeletethinking of you, especially now.
xoxo
lis
What did you end up doing? I just ran across this blog, and I'm really excited to find out. I'm trying to recognize my kids in my wedding, too--so far, I just have the wedding officiant talking about their role in our marriage...
ReplyDelete