So sorry...

I apologize that I haven't written in such a long time!! Life has been unbelievably busy lately - I'm trying to keep up with school, working on starting my own personal chef business and planning my wedding - plus I've been really, really sad.

I do want to thank everyone who commented on my last post with suggestions for my wedding!! There were so many great ideas and I'm still figuring out which ones I want to use and which ones will fit into our small little ceremony.

Butterflies were a huge theme in the comments and continue to be a huge theme in my life (I'm working on a post about that) so I'd like to work them in somewhere. I'm not too keen on releasing real butterflies because I feel bad about keeping them all cooped up before releasing them (I'm a bit of a freak when I comes to animals). Also, October is a little late in the year for butterflies. However, I may ask the pastry chef who's making my cake if he can decorate the cake with butterflies.

I also loved the idea of including a passage from one of my kids' favorite books as a reading in the ceremony, so I'm working on finding an appropriate book. Peter's most recent favorite book was "Wacky Wednesday" and Kate was into "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" so that makes it challenging. I still have a bunch of Todd Parr and Mo Willems books to look through so I'm thinking there's a good chance I'll find something. It is incredibly hard to read all of those books without them, but I know I can do it.

Thank you again for all of the suggestions! I'm still considering pansies and pictures and many of the other ideas you all came up with. I'll let you know what I finally decide on. And I'll try my best to write more often when things calm down a bit. This school quarter ends September 15th (can't wait!!!) so that should free up some time.

This week Ken and I are going to Algonquin Provincal Park in Canada for a few days of canoeing and backcountry camping. I don't think I've ever really camped - like in a tent where there are no real bathrooms or showers or cell phone towers. I'm super excited to be that close to nature and see wildlife up close, but I'm also scared out of my mind that I won't be able to pee, or let's face it - poo, for five days. I mean, I'm not real good at squatting behind a bush. Ewww.

It should be interesting and I'm sure I'll have much to tell you about that experience.

I need your help...

Ken and I have been working hard on planning our wedding. I have my dress, the invitations have been sent out and the big day is less than two months away. Obviously, we've opted for a short engagement. The way I see it, we know we want to get married to let's just get on with it already :)

Here's where I need your help...
We're planning the ceremony ourselves. It's going to be fairly short and simple - outdoors, in a park on what will hopefully be a beautiful fall day. We've got most of it figured out. We've selected some readings and chosen our vows. One of Ken's best friends is going to be our officiant, which I think is great. What we're having a difficult time conceptualizing is how to somehow include Kate and Peter in the ceremony.

I always imagined my kids would be at my wedding. Even 4 years ago, soon after Steve and I separated, I had an intuitive feeling I'd be 35 when I got married again, which I am, and that they would be 8 and 6, which they would have been. I could see Kate in a beautiful white dress with long, flowing curls and Peter in a little tux - even though no one else will be wearing a tux. Sadly, that's not how it will be and I have a hard time envisioning that day without them. The thought of it always reduces me to tears.

So I have to find a way to recognize them and honor their spirits. I know they will be on every one's minds, so I want to do something that's as positive as possible, not something to just make everybody sad. But what?! I have no idea.

I spoke with one wedding officiant who told me that most people pause for a moment of silence at the beginning of the ceremony to remember those who are not there. Unfortunately, that just won't cut it. I need something more - more personal, more special, more them! I've thought about having Kate and Peter's friends do something (many of them will be there), but again, I don't know what. Any ideas or suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated!!!

While I'm beyond excited for our wedding I know that it will simultaneously be one of the happiest and saddest days ever. Obviously, I'm overjoyed at the idea of marrying Ken and I can't wait to begin our lives together. At the same time, I think it really will be hard to get through the day knowing my kids aren't physically there. I know they will be there in spirit and I hope and pray they will feel how much they are loved and missed by everyone who will be in attendance.

Persistence and pansies...

The cloud of sadness seems to have dissipated slightly, though it's still here. Thank you all, once again, for your kind comments and words of encouragement. It is so helpful to know that even when I'm home alone, feeling intensely despondent, I'm really not alone...that caring friends and strangers are, for some reason, willing to go through this hell with me. I don't know why you're all still reading, but I'm sure glad you are.

Since Tuesday night, when the cloud arrived, I've managed to make it through each day, trying to be as productive as possible, but it hasn't been easy. I just can't shake it this time. In the past I've been able to distract myself by staying busy, but for the past few days I feel like I've had to reach into the depths of my being to find strength I don't even think is there. It's like everything I do takes so much energy and everything I see or hear makes me even more sad. But I have no choice - so I just keep going, hoping that this too will pass...or at least get easier.

While I actually have a moment to sit down and write I would like to share one little story that brings a smile to my face when I think about it. It has to do with perennial pansies growing in front of my house.

Let me begin by saying that I am the farthest thing from a gardener. I generally feel that I don't have time to deal with my yard so I cut my grass and call it a day. When I do try to plant things they usually die so I don't plant things.

Two years ago, in April of 2008, I was getting my house ready for Peter's birthday. I knew a lot of people from out of town would be stopping by, so I wanted my yard to at least be presentable. We're not talking about any kind of real landscaping, but I did trim my hedges, put some mulch down and attempt to plant a few flowers.

I have two planters in front of my house so one day while Kate was in Kindergarten, Peter and I went to Home Depot to pick out some flowers. As I said, I know nothing about flowers so I thought I'd let Peter pick some out. It wasn't a big deal to him, but he happily chose some yellow pansies. So together Kate, Peter and I put them in the planters where they survived until the fall when it got cold. I was amazed that they actually survived through the summer.

Then last spring came (2009) and I definitely didn't feel like planting anything (though, thankfully, sometime in mid-June a bunch of friends came over and helped me with me yard). However, one day in early June I noticed two little yellow pansies growing in between the bricks of my front walk. As I mentioned, I know very little about flowers, but I do know that pansies are annuals, not perennials. They were so sweet. They grew there all summer and were still blooming when I came home from Italy in November. I know they're not much, but to me they felt like a little gift from my kids.



This spring rolled around and I wondered if the pansies would come back, though I doubted it. Nope, nothing but dandelions this year...until two weeks ago, when two yellow pansies popped up on the other side of my walk. One day they weren't there, the next day they were. Thank you, Peter and Kate! I needed that.

(and, as you can see - I haven't done anything about the weeds this year)

Some days I just can't deal...

and today is one of those days :(

I mean, I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with everything going on in my life, as I mentioned in my last post. I actually got so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I completely wigged out yesterday and went to a yoga class instead of going to school. Honestly, it was the best decision I've made in a while. After I did the whole downward dog - legs up the wall - ohm - namaste extended dance remix (I'm talking about yoga people, not sex - I swear) and I felt all chilled out and grounded, I got a lot of stuff done for a change!

But because I still have 999,984 things to do I was trying my best to have another productive day today. I was just doing my thing, getting ready to dive into some homework when sometime around 4:30 this giant cloud of sadness enveloped me and sucked out all of my drive and motivation and even my desire to keep breathing. I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there. And it won't go away. I hate it! Fuck you, stupid sadness!!!

Now I'm useless. I feel so empty that I can't even feel the emptiness anymore, not that that makes any sense. It's a scary empty feeling. Maybe I can't feel it because I'm afraid of it. I know I'm afraid to start crying because I may never stop.

Let me just say this please...I want my kids back!!! I know I feel them with me a lot of the time, but I want them back the regular way. I want to take them swimming and to Kennywood and I want to hear them fight with each other and say, "Mama, he/she won't leave me alone!" I want to complain that summer is too long and I can't wait for school to start because we're all stir crazy! But I can't!!

Then I think, 'well, I'm getting married again. I could have more kids.' BUT I DON'T WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT MY KIDS, DAMMIT!!!!!! I don't want to move on or move forward I just want my old life back the way it was, with all it's imperfections and my amazing, beautiful, wonderful kids. I would do anything. I mean it.

I could sit here and kick and scream and cry and swear and bargain with the universe all day, but it gets me nowhere. It won't bring them back. Nothing will. Fuck.

So what to do now? That is the question.

I guess I'll try to use my superhuman coping skills to stuff my feelings somewhere and tell the cloud of sadness where to stick it. I mean, I gotta do my homework eventually. I'm guessing that skipping two classes in a row would be frowned upon.

But really, who gives a shit about homework? In the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Maybe I'll just go to bed early and explain to my instructor why I didn't get my homework done. I'm sure he'll understand. I think. Oh, who cares.

Goodnight.

so many thoughts, so little time...

So much going on. So busy. So tired. So much to write about.

So, I write nothing at all.

This is me. This is how I've always been. When I get overwhelmed and have too much to do, I do nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. But instead of attacking my 16 page to-do list I bake cookies or do some online shopping or spend three hours playing Unblock Me on my phone.

I realize my behavior isn't rational, but it's what I do. At least until I'm forced, by some sort of deadline, to actually get things done.

In the past couple of weeks I've had so much I've wanted to write about: how the lobster massacre at school nearly turned me into a vegetarian, how perennial pansies are growing in front of my house and how planning my wedding is simultaneously the most fun and exciting yet saddest thing I've ever done.

I promise, as soon as I can slow myself down enough to stick with one storyline at a time I will write and share. Until then...I'm gonna go play Family Feud on Facebook. Trouble.