that maybe you shouldn't read because it's really messed up. This may even be one of those posts I shouldn't publish because it's just too dark and it should stay somewhere in the corners of my mind. I guess I'll just write it and see.
Lately that dichotomy I wrote about before is getting worse. I'm starting to feel like I have two completely separate personalities (that's probably not good - think I'll discuss it with my therapist). There's the me who goes to work, goes to school, spends time with my friends, smiles, laughs and sometimes even has fun. Then there's the me who is constantly tormented by the fact that my kids were killed.
And this is the part that's really bothering me lately: my kids didn't just die, they were killed. It's not like they got old and their bodies gave up and didn't want to live anymore. They were perfectly healthy little kids one minute and the next minute they were dead. I'm not trying to blame anyone, really I'm not, but I'm just saying...this idea of being killed is making me crazy. Honestly, I think part of the reason why this is bugging me is that I blame myself for allowing this to happen. A mother protects her kids. I have failed as a mother. In the biggest possible way.
Now I know you're all going to comment and say there's nothing I could have done, I was a good mom, etc. As much as I appreciate that and understand it rationally with my mind, I don't feel it. I feel...desperately sad, remorseful and like I would give ANYTHING to undo this.
Since my brain has been on the topic of being killed lately, I've been thinking about all the unbelievably shitty things that happen in the month of April and how weird it is. Peter's birthday is April 21st, however his due date was April 19th. Not long after I learned his due date people started saying, "what a horrible day...that's when the Waco, Texas thing happened...and the Oklahoma City bombing". I thought "Seriously?!! I don't want my child to be born on that day...hope he comes before or after". Then I learned that April 20th is Hitler's birthday and was the day of the shootings at Columbine High School. This is what I'm saying - what is up with April?!
Last year on April 4th, while my kids were playing, I remember watching the news about the 3 Pittsburgh police officers who were killed in the line of duty. I remember being horrified about the whole thing. Little did I know that two days later my own personal horror would happen.
Since the day of the accident I've spoken with one person who, I believe, truly understands what I'm going through. She's a friend of a friend who lost her only two children many years ago. She was separated from her husband at the time and her daughters were spending a weekend with him. They died in a house fire, not a car accident, but the situation is frighteningly similar. While I was talking with her she mentioned something about Easter so I asked her when her kids died: April 5th. WTF?
Now this year, on April 5th, 29 miners die in a West Virginia mine explosion?!! This is what I'm saying. I realize bad things happen at all times of the year and I'm probably just more cognizant of what happens in April, but really?
I'm not sure why I'm putting all this negative information out there, I normally try not to do that. Maybe if it's in cyberspace it'll stop bothering me so much. Maybe I just want to warn everyone to be extra careful this month. I don't know. And I'm sure lots of good things have happened in April - my mom's birthday is in April and so is Peter's. In fact, I know a lot of good people who have April birthdays. There - it's not all bad.
Sorry to bring everyone down, but this is where I'm at right now. Please be careful out there.