The "Snowpocalypse" has certainly been challenging for me, as it has for most of the residents of the mid-atlantic states. I feel bad complaining because so far I've been able to dig myself out, haven't run out of milk or bread and haven't lost my power at all (knock on wood!). The part that's been hard for me has been the isolation.
As you can tell from my past few posts I've been feeling pretty down lately. (And again, I cannot thank you all enough for your kind thoughts and encouraging words - they really do help!!!) In addition to the sadness I've been feeling about my kids, I've now spent the better part of the past week home alone. I've never liked being alone. In fact, I used to be afraid of being alone. I don't fear it anymore, but I still don't like it.
When I'm alone I spend way too much time in my head. I start thinking about things and feeling sorry for myself and begin a downward spiral into depression. I know when I've crossed the line of sadness into depression because I don't want to do anything. At all. Except maybe eat and sleep. Then I eat and feel fat. Then I try to sleep and I can't. I'm sure anyone who's ever been depressed can identify with what I'm saying.
I've dealt with depression a few times over the years and have even been medicated for it. I'm not trying to minimize the seriousness of it at all. However, this time it's different. I can't stand being depressed...which I guess is a good thing.
In the past I had often considered offing myself. I would lay in bed and feel sad and sorry for myself, then create elaborate schemes for how I would do it and who would find me...etc. Now, suicide is off the table because, as I've said in past posts, I won't take the chance. I fear that if I were to end my own life I might not join my kids where they are. It's just not worth the risk. So, for anyone who might be worried about me - you don't have to worry. It's not even an option.
Thus, because I know I'm stuck here, feeling sad and sorry for myself doesn't help anything. It's really pointless. I have to be here whether I want to be or not, so I might as well make the best of it. Does this make any sense or does it sound like I've totally lost my mind (a distinct possibility)?
So last night while I was moping and whining and feeling fat I decided to just cut it out already. I might as well do something constructive and try to have fun while I'm here. So I made a somewhat complicated cauliflower and chickpea curry. It was both fun and constructive.
And today, while I'm snowed in AGAIN, I'm going to do my best to not take for granted what I do have.... a home, heat, food, my dog and wi-fi. I'll try to find a way to be constructive and have some degree of fun. Maybe I'll try to break all the records on my wii.
I thank you all for hanging with me when things get dark and sad and scary. Sometimes I think no one will want to read this if it's always so negative. But when I'm down, you all amaze me with your support. I promise that better things are to come. :)
Like maybe the sun...