As you can tell from my past few posts I've been feeling pretty down lately. (And again, I cannot thank you all enough for your kind thoughts and encouraging words - they really do help!!!) In addition to the sadness I've been feeling about my kids, I've now spent the better part of the past week home alone. I've never liked being alone. In fact, I used to be afraid of being alone. I don't fear it anymore, but I still don't like it.
When I'm alone I spend way too much time in my head. I start thinking about things and feeling sorry for myself and begin a downward spiral into depression. I know when I've crossed the line of sadness into depression because I don't want to do anything. At all. Except maybe eat and sleep. Then I eat and feel fat. Then I try to sleep and I can't. I'm sure anyone who's ever been depressed can identify with what I'm saying.
I've dealt with depression a few times over the years and have even been medicated for it. I'm not trying to minimize the seriousness of it at all. However, this time it's different. I can't stand being depressed...which I guess is a good thing.
In the past I had often considered offing myself. I would lay in bed and feel sad and sorry for myself, then create elaborate schemes for how I would do it and who would find me...etc. Now, suicide is off the table because, as I've said in past posts, I won't take the chance. I fear that if I were to end my own life I might not join my kids where they are. It's just not worth the risk. So, for anyone who might be worried about me - you don't have to worry. It's not even an option.
Thus, because I know I'm stuck here, feeling sad and sorry for myself doesn't help anything. It's really pointless. I have to be here whether I want to be or not, so I might as well make the best of it. Does this make any sense or does it sound like I've totally lost my mind (a distinct possibility)?
So last night while I was moping and whining and feeling fat I decided to just cut it out already. I might as well do something constructive and try to have fun while I'm here. So I made a somewhat complicated cauliflower and chickpea curry. It was both fun and constructive.
And today, while I'm snowed in AGAIN, I'm going to do my best to not take for granted what I do have.... a home, heat, food, my dog and wi-fi. I'll try to find a way to be constructive and have some degree of fun. Maybe I'll try to break all the records on my wii.
I thank you all for hanging with me when things get dark and sad and scary. Sometimes I think no one will want to read this if it's always so negative. But when I'm down, you all amaze me with your support. I promise that better things are to come. :)
Like maybe the sun...
We read because you inspire. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has struggled with issues of depression for the past few years I know somewhat where you are coming from. The apathy and sadness make it hard to even bother to get out of bed some days. Before I got fed up with feeling like that and went to a doctor for some help one of the things that keep me tethered was the knowledge that there are people out there who love and care about me.
ReplyDeleteAlways remember that there are hundreds of us out there who love you, Amy, and care about you and will be here for you when you need us.
Amy, thinking of you always. I'm sure the cauliflower and chickpea curry was amazing! Keep cooking and blogging- you are excellent at both. I'm sending you warm thoughts and prayers today and always... Take care!
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteStay warm.
I found your blog through thatschurch. Although I don't know you, I read your blog and you are in my prayers. You are such an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteYou never fail to amaze me. I wish I had the right words for you. Please know that you are thought about and loved by people you've never met. I will come back and read every day because while it is horribly sad and while you feel it has been negative lately, it is REAL. My admiration for you is beyond words. Thank you, Amy.
ReplyDeleteI sure want to give you advice. You're going to teach me that I've got no business giving anyone advice because I know I've got no business trying to advise you. I just hope the skies clear and we can both enjoy the sun soon.
ReplyDeletei know that there is nothing that I can say to you to make anything better for you, just know that people are thinking of you and that you are cared for even by people that you have never met. stay strong......
ReplyDeleteI've been through the cycles of depression and medication. It's not easy to deal with alone, but you are not alone. We're all here for you, reading and supporting. Winter can't last forever, even though right now it's hard to see the end of the snow.
ReplyDeleteThe way you are able to pick yourself back up out of the horrifically dark times leaves me speechless. You're a fighter. I know your kids are so proud of you for refusing to give up. That is a testament to the depth of your love for them. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are a very creative person.. Depression can come when there is no
ReplyDeleteoutlet for creativity. I am glad cooking made you feel good. You seem to be creative in many directions. It took me along time to link some of my depressions to not using my creativity. I always remember the little saying that a friend used when training a group of employees in his new baking company - Busy Hands are Happy Hands:)
Fair weather friends leave soon enough...to be yourself and have others stay...well that is the meaning of friendship. Amy, keep going at it...people will be around
ReplyDeleteI just love you Amy. Prayers and love for you.
ReplyDeletePeg
Amy, I don't know you (though we have mutual friends) but I read your blog and think of you every day as I look at my 2 year old. I, too, have had a depressive episode before and I just hurt so much for you as you are going through this. One foot in front of the other, one day (minute, hour) at a time. There is just no other way to do it. Spring will come, and you will go on to honor your beautiful children's memory and share your (and their) stories. Don't worry about running your friends (even those of us you've never met) off... we're all here for you!
ReplyDeleteEver consider drumming? Very relaxing and medicinal. Also a good way to stay in touch with the pulse of the dear departed. I was going to say you can't beat drumming but beating is EXACTLY what you do with a drum!
ReplyDeleteThere's a guy named Wayne Manthey who makes hand drums. He makes a nice 10" single sided drum that is small like a tamborine and has really nice sound. http://web.mac.com/drummaker/Drum_Maker/Welcome.html
Also get a David & Steve Gordon CD to drum along with. They have a very nice CD entitled Meditation Drum http://www.amazon.com/Meditation-Drum-David-Steve-Gordon/dp/B002MTTZ8U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1265856091&sr=8-1-catcorr.
When I can't sleep, I get up and sit in the dark with just the lights of my stereo on, drumming along with a CD. Clears my head.
Amy, you continue to amaze me with how you just keep pushing through and find ways to lift yourself up out of the depths of the darkness. And not just in ordinary ways, but through these extraordinary ways of writing this blog and challenging yourself with cauliflower and chicpea curry (which sounds delicious by the way)....and if you don't think they are extraordinary, THEY ARE, because not everyone has the strength or the talent or the gumption to do them. I love you and miss you and hope to see you soon....maybe I'll just snowmobile my way over there : )
ReplyDeleteI for one am drawn to your site because I think you are absolutely amazing. And people will continue to follow your blog negative or not because it helps you vent.I do not know how you do it. You continue to amaze me. I think of you all the time and often wonder how you get through each day.You are an excellent mother and deserve to have the chance to give other children all you have given Kate and Peter.I pray for you along with many others who do not know you either because your blog is infectious. Good things have to be on the way.You have dealt with more than anyone could ever imagine and deserve all the happiness in the world.I will continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThose are beautiful photographs.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to promise us anything. Hang in there Amy. We're thinking of you and praying for you. I'm not quite sure what else to say. But, please know that darkness and depression are not going to turn us away. Smile for Kate and Peter, just once a day. Smile for them.
ReplyDeleteNot to repeat what everyone has said, but you ARE amazing. But, don't feel like you have to be all the time. It really is ok to let yourself grieve. That is not a waste of time, and is actually necessary for you to heal. That being said, I truly admire that when you need a break from grieving, you let yourself have it!
ReplyDeleteOh...you MUST enlarge and frame that picture of your kids names written in the sand. That is fantastic.
Prayers to you!
Amy,
ReplyDeleteAs I approach this 6th day of being snowed in with my kids, your words inspire me to make the most of it! I know that I keep reading for several reasons: 1. I care and want to see how you're doing. 2. You truly inspire me to be a better mother. 3. I think someone else said this but what you write is real and comes from the depths of your heart and soul. 4. My son still remembers Kate and mentions her from time to time and I'm so glad for that. Your blog, the playground - it's all keeping their memory alive and active and I enjoy being a part of that! So keep writing!!! Because none of us want to stop reading!!! As always, take care!
Aimee
ps - my niece is a pastry chef and a total foodie. I'm going to get some recipes from her and send them your way!
Amy, as everyone here said...we are here for you.. Baby Steps ..you cant do it all in one fell swoop..Love and hugs..
ReplyDeleteAdriana
You always inspire me. I also find you articulate and interesting and love to read you - even when you make me cry ;-). You consistently put into perspective, for me, what should be priority in life - sometimes that's having fun, sometimes it is helping others - it is always appreciating what you have. Anyway... you should start a recipe blog, btw - I think everyone's mouth waters when you detail your culinary "experiments" :-). And good luck with the Wii - I suck but my kids are pretty good. We have totally given in to it on Day 6 of "snow in". I hope you have a good day today.
ReplyDeleteAmy, Not only will you one day be joined with Kate and Peter but it will be as if no time had ever past since you last saw them. I heard this theory years ago and I truly believe that is how it works in heaven. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKeep saying whatever you need to say. You have many, many people listening. Virtual hugs, as always.
ReplyDeleteAmy
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you! You are supposed to write about how you are feeling, whether it is,at the time, positve or negative. That is what we are here for - to listen and help YOU! You are such a wonderful and caring person. I think of you often and I send prayers your way.
Dawn
Uh, sorry for not poking in sooner.....
ReplyDeleteYou'll just have to accept that it "WILL BE MY PEROGITIVE" to worry about you.. Deal with that.
On another note, drumming,.... yeah that might help. Hey some really cool, funky music, like you've probably never heard before might help and the kids will love it too.
Wicked Tinkers hold on lemme check... BRB...
Yep, sorry it took so long.... go to Amazon.com and pick up one of their CDs. That'll change your mood! I guarentee!
Prayers
:-)
i know its rough. they are a part of your heart that will never go away.
ReplyDeleteScrapbooking is what makes me feel less "dark and twisty" as meredith on Grey's Anatomy would say.
If you ever wanna try it let me know! I can send you a care package of supplies!
We are not going anywhere, Amy. Your strength continues to amaze me every time I read your stories. The fact that you can even find the words to articulate grief that's so massive is amazing, and you'll continue to be in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteAmy. We met over the holiday. I heard the phrase "strong in all of the broken places." Applies to divorce and the losses it brings. Amazed by the outpouring of love. I know it doesn't change or heal anything, but in a world short on meaning, you have created something out of loss that helps many. Here's to gathering strength around the broken places.
ReplyDeleteYou alone live with your pain but you are not alone. You can be yourself, be who and where you are at each moment, and your true friends and family and those of us who don't know you but care will continue to care.
ReplyDeleteI know what that darkness feels like. I know what it is like to physically feel both anxious and depressed at the same time. To not be able to eat. To overeat to compensate for the sadness. To cry all by yourself in the dark. And then to see a little tiny shining light - off in the distance - a star that is directed towards you. Your eyes open up, and your heart begins to heal. It takes a very long time, and nothing ever makes it totally better... but just know that the darkness will subside. The light of your children's lives and the spirits that still live on will be your guiding star.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Amy!
Amy, We miss you! Hope all is well down under.. Keep inspiring us. As a mom who lost a child, I know how hard it is. Take your time and do it at your own pace. There is no end to mourning. You WILL survive, just with a heavy heart and a better understanding of what is really important in life. Luv ya!
ReplyDelete