Friday, February 19, 2010

feeling a little better...

Honestly, right now, I feel better than I have in two weeks. Thanks, in large part, to the fact that I saw the SUN today and I didn't have to shovel snow! It's amazing how quickly things shift. This grief thing is much like some kind of crazy roller coaster or, as Dudders commented, like a pinball machine. I love this analogy, I hope she doesn't mind if I repost it:

"There aren't concrete stages of grieving, the whole thing is more of a pinball game. You're sad, you're mad, you're happy, you're angry, you're bouncing all around and have no idea which way is up."

Well said. That's exactly what it feels like.

Another reason for my shift in mood is that the meeting about the playground went well - I'm very, very excited about it. I'm working on a post specifically about it so stay tuned. And, as always, thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words! They help me more than you can imagine. I wish I could hug you all!


  1. Amy,

    I don’t have any great words of inspiration to offer…and I so wish I did…I’m glad your meeting went well regarding the playground. Being local to the Burgh I look forward to the day when I can take my girls there and let them…play.

    Take Care of Yourself,


  2. Dudders is a she. And she is correct. It's a pinball game. I've only lost my grandparents thus far, but with my Canadian GrandPa, with whom we were very, very close, the pain was enormous. My sister and I were a wreck. Not the same thing, but we always thought he'd be there. My sister took it harder than I, and she refused to deal with or talk about it for a while... It was awful.

    I'm so happy you've taken to this outlet to get to discuss your grief and see what will come of your healing. I hope you see our comments as help to your healing.

    I studied the stages of grief, as part of my college degree, and I'm sorry but they are wrong. You can't just put it into "stages" it sometimes might not be bad, but other times it is. It is hell. And it sometimes takes forever to get over. I still wear a ring my GrandPa gave me. Sometimes I'd look at it & smile. Or it would still brings me to tears. It's been 12 years. And now I smile when I look at it... Over time, the smiles are more than tears.

    I promise you there are good times ahead. Good. Times.

    And we'll always be there for you. Always.

  3. Im so excited to see you got out today. Winter is bad enough without it being compounded with grief to deal with. Sun can do wonders for the spirit. Stay busy. Stay focused and remember we are all supporting you every step of the way.

  4. Amy, I found your blog about a week ago, and the first night I read it I couldn't sleep, I was so torn up. I appreciate so much you reporting with such honesty and vividness what you are going through. I am learning through your writing about some very difficult corners of the human condition, and better understanding how fragile our lives are. Thank you for helping me appreciate how lucky most of us are. My heart goes out to you. I think you are showing a lot of resiliency and flexibility, so even with the pinball machine going on inside of you, it sounds to me like you are going to make it through to happier times. I'm glad the playground planning is helping. Random aside: Japan has some totally cool and unique might research them a bit to get inspired! Sending love and good wishes your way from Massachusetts. --ARB

  5. Hoping for sun again tomorrow. I think after loss, different kinds of good days are ahead. Glad your project is going well. Did you ever think about twitter in addition to your blog?

  6. Amy...I have never lost a child and in fact have 7 grandchildren. I cry when I see them accomplishing a goal, be it a championship in a wrestling tournament or hockey game; first communion or in a christmas play or just the smile of the little ones when I hear "Nanny" and they run to me. I can't imagine my life going on if anything happened to any of them or my grown children. I, too, feel sad so many days of my life because I don't like the way my life has turned out but when I read your posts I feel selfish. You are truly a strong woman and I wish and pray that your grief will subside daily...keep those beautiful kids in your heart forever and your moments with them in your thoughts...things like that never go away. Keep going... it is what they would want you to do. And...the sun will come out tomorrow and the day after and the day after...

  7. Amy, I came across this great foodie site just now and immediately thought of you. Hope you like it - it's smittenkitchen dot com. Glad you're having a couple of better days. Coming up to this terrible anniversary may well be a big part of its being so especially rough. Sending you love.

  8. The anniversary will be here befor you know it and it will be hell. I do think it is best for you to spend it with family. Or anyone that can help you through it. It may not hurt to talk to a Dr. to see what they can do to help you through these dark lonely days. Ever since I found this site I try my hardest not to yell at my children and cherish everyday we have together because you never know what life can throw at you. I often feel so so guilty when I get aggrevated and beg for alone time when you would do anything to be able to yell at your children again.I am so sorry for your loss. And this site helps you but in return helps everyone appreciate and not take for granted what we often do. You deserve to be a mother again. When you heal enough to be able to care for someone else be open to the possibility of having a family again because you deserve it. You are too young to spend the rest of your life alone.Let someone in to help fill the void not replace your amazing children.

  9. These gray winter Pittsburgh days have been difficult, huh? Be proud of your curry making and playground planning - accomplishments for anyone let alone someone battling grief. This quote by Albert Camus has stuck - "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." I can see that invincible summer in you, Amy, even in your grief. The way you honor Kate and Peter, the great photos, the awesome playground in the works, the honesty with which you're able to share your feelings here- all reveal your light shining through the winter clouds. Thinking of you.

  10. I was really drawn to the pinball machine comment. i'm so glad it struck you and has provided some "healing"? Validation maybe? Just a helpful image??

    Can't wait to hear about the playground. It's been on my mind so much. We will be making quite the pilgrimage there once it's built!

    SO GLAD you saw the sun.

    Love you.

  11. Happy Sunday! Write down all the things you love about yourself today. It's so important to remind yourself how STRONG you are. And what an amazing writer you are. And your ability to share so openly and honestly. You are a wonder, Amy. We're here with you through the rollercoaster.

    P.S. If it never snows again in Pittsburgh that might be alright with me!

    Love, hugs, and all that other good stuff.

  12. I wish I had some great words to say but the truth is there is nothing anyone can say to make it any easier. I pray for you regularly and ask for God to help to carry you through the next few months and give you the strength to get through the 1 year anniversary. Hang in there and remember lots of people you don't even know are praying for you.

  13. I so very much agree about the pinball game analogy. After losing my baby back in August, I have come SO far. Most days I feel very much alive and very much on my way towards healing, and my husband and I are even trying again to get pregnant. But then some days, almost seemingly out of the blue, I find myself bursting into tears, feeling angry, or just downtright depressed. I definitely feel sometimes as if I am ball shooting aimlessly through a pinball game. That is a wonderful analogy.

    What you have gone through is just so far beyond anything I have ever experienced so I can only imagine that you maybe feel like one of those pinball games with more than one pinball. Some days I imagine you probably feel good and bad simultaneously! Eventually, things will slow down, though - and you will find a little more peace.

    Thanks as always for sharing with us, Amy!

  14. Hi Amy!

    I was reviewing some of my favorite blogs tonight and came across this site. It's a project a few scrapbookers started and it made me think of you. Maybe it's not the right thing for you right now, but you never know. This is a link to the blog. Hope it encourages you a little.

    Cheers! Eryn

  15. Just stopping by to see how you are holding up and to let you know that I think about you and pray for you often. You are amazingly strong and courageous and inspire me to be a better mother and wife. I have often thought to slow down and enjoy the people I love and not sweat the small stuff because of your story. The Pinball analogy is right on. Thanks for sharing that one! The French have a saying when someone is facing an unusual amount of difficulty (and I realize the word difficulty is an understatement) that I love. The sentiment, "Bon Courage" means Good Courage. I believe your children are proud of your good courage, Amy! Grief is the most difficult work and I admire how you face it with such honesty and courage.