it's getting worse...

I've often heard the phrase "hitting bottom" in reference to people dealing with addiction or destructive lifestyles or even depression. I would imagine that grief must have a low-point as well, though I have to admit that I'm not up on my reading about this subject. Frankly, as I told someone recently, I would like to take all of the books about the stages of grief and what I should be feeling and set them on fire. But that's another post.

I keep thinking to myself, "this is pretty bad...I can't imagine it's gonna get worse". Then it does.

Here's something new: I find myself laying in bed at night reliving the night of the accident and throwing myself into panic attacks. It's like my mind is still trying to grasp what has happened and won't give up until it has reviewed every moment of that day and explored all other possibilities for why it hasn't seen Kate or Peter in almost a year. And when it comes to the conclusion that they're dead, it panics. (it's a little weird how I sometimes describe my mind as a separate entity - don't worry I don't think I've developed multiple personalities)

I don't know if I would feel better if someone else was around - I certainly have spent a lot more time alone lately, thanks to our 482 feet of snow - or if I would just feel awkward.

So now I have a hard time falling asleep at night (though thankfully, once I fall asleep I sleep pretty well) and I wake up every morning and say to myself, "I just can't do this anymore. I'm done." But no matter how adamantly I say it or how serious I am, I can't be done. I have no choice. I have to keep going.

I think the approaching anniversary is part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, but who knows? I could make up reasons forever - I just want to know when it's gonna stop getting worse and get better, if ever. Maybe? Please?!

Because I have to give myself a little something to hold onto, here are a couple of good things:

1. The other night while I was trying to go to sleep and unbearably missing my kids, I pleaded with them to visit me in my dreams. I did, in fact, dream about them that night. It was a strange dream, but I woke up feeling like I got to spend some time with them which is priceless.

2. Tomorrow I have a meeting regarding the playground I'm trying to build in their memory. Hopefully I will have more information to share with you soon. This is a good thing, and a reason to get out of bed tomorrow.

If you don't hear much from me in the upcoming days it's because I'm literally putting all the energy I have into getting out of bed, taking an occasional shower and getting dressed. Oh, and shoveling snow.

It has to get better eventually.