Sunday, February 7, 2010

maybe this is as bad as it gets...

I feel like I've finally hit the wall. I've run out of bright sides to look on, positive things to think and ways to make sense of this. Though I could still come up with ten things to be thankful for, none of it really matters. I've reached the point where nothing makes sense without them.

While I was taking a shower this morning I noticed that Peter's bath toys, which were still perched on the side of the tub, were starting to get moldy. They haven't been used in almost a year so why wouldn't they be moldy? I could've cleaned them and put them back, but what's the point? He's not coming back. He's not going to use them anymore. Keeping them doesn't make me feel any closer to him. So I threw them out.

I still can't stomach the idea that my kids are dead. I say it out loud sometimes and I just don't believe it. And lately I've gotten really good at believing that they're not dead and gone, but alive in another dimension. But today I just don't care. That doesn't cut it. I want them to be here with me.

I know that at some point I'll feel better. It's a good thing grief comes in waves because if it felt this bad all the time no one would survive it. So I will survive and surely live many more days without them. Fabulous.

71 comments:

  1. I'm sitting here trying to find the words - any words - that don't sound hollow or cliche; words that might make a difference in your day (of course I know deep down those words don't exist). Instead I closed my eyes and said a prayer that you'll be able to find a little bit of peace today - and maybe receive a sign from your kids that they're watching over you and that you'll be okay. I am so sorry for your loss, your hurt, your anger.

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  2. Don't know you, but wish I could be there with and for you. May you remember the possibility of light as you go through this interminable darkness.

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  3. Great giant hugs for you, Amy. I wish I could make it even a little better for you.

    You are in my prayers.

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  4. I wish I had some words that would comfort you. Please know that you are in my prayers.

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  5. Keep writing, and we'll keep sending positive energy and virtual shoulders to lean on.

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  6. I recently read and saw the movie Lovely Bones. I like to think that our loved ones are up in heaven watching over us. I have children of my own and can't imagine losing them so I can't say I know what you're going through. But my wish for you is that your children are watching you from heaven and helping you get through your days. Sending a virtual hug your way.

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  7. Amy, over the past month I've been involved in something that, I'm glad to say, has shown me the best in people, in their kindess and caring. I've also seen determination and heroism in the face of tragedy. You're a hero, and an inspiration, for continuing on. You're brave and generous for sharing with us. Here's wishing you brighter tomorrows, especially in those quiet, everyday times that must be so very difficult.

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  8. As always, Amy, I pray for you and that peace is there for you one day. I know there is no way to make it better for you but I do wish that I could. Hang in there.

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  9. All the wisdom I have to offer simply comes down to a hug if you need it, a shouler to cry on, and a stranger to scream at. You have no idea how much you are in my thoughts and prayers. But you are, every day.

    Lisa J.

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  10. I too wish there was something to say that would make a difference. I don't know you either though I've cried for you and Peter and Kate. I can only imagine your grief. I am so sorry you're having to live it. You're in my thoughts often.

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  11. Some would say it is cliche' to say that our loved ones are still with us ... but being a cliche does not make it any less true. In fact it makes me believe it all the more. You are not alone. No one that we love ever really leaves us. I have experienced too many stange things in my own life to believe otherwise.

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  12. I can only repeat what Patricia said: I'm sitting here trying to find the words - any words - that don't sound hollow or cliche.

    But alas, Amy, there are no words. There just are no words. You are in my thoughts. You will be in my meditative drumming tonight. Your loss...is my loss today. And I am sorry for that dull, sharp, hot, cold, short, long pain that sneaks up behind you sometimes and reminds you they are gone. May there be peace after that silence.

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  13. No words, just love.

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  14. I'm so sorry, Amy. There's a Barbara Kingsolver line I keep handy: "Morning always comes." The pisser of it is that when you're feeling the way you do now, the only possible reaction to that line is "damn it."

    So many people care about you, even people you've never met. You matter.

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  15. Sending hugs to you on this hard day. From the comments on this blog there are many people on which to lean when you have crappy days.

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  16. (Here via Twitter and @JanePitt.)

    Echoing everyone else and sending heartfelt hugs.

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  17. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  18. Don't forget that it's okay to be a little selfish, to want them with you.
    Giant hugs.

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  19. Amy,

    Ok, so you threw away the moldy toys - but you still have the beautiful memories. Tell me, were they lounge in the bath type of kids, soak the bathroom floor type, or beg to use the shower head type? Was this part of the night time routine? Favorite towels? Pruned fingers? (only you have these great memories - if you want to keep them private - great - but I get the feeling dozen of funny bath stories are crowding your head right now!)

    From reading what I have - you my friend ARE an awesome mom...you've noted things here about Peter and Kate that only a truly tuned in, attentive, loving mom would.

    I wish you strength Amy - Peter and Kate would be so proud of you.

    Allison

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  20. Amy,
    Your strength is so amazing. Just keep swimming!! Love and Peace to you!!

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  21. Peter and Kate are there with you, there is no doubt about that. Stay strong. We're all cheering for you.

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  22. You guys are the best!! Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much all of your words help. I'm feeling a little better already and thanks to all of you, feel strong enough to get through another day. And I'm sure Kate and Peter thank you too. :)

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  23. I don't really know what to say, but that I am still praying for you. Hang in there. And I'm sorry about the bath toys. :( I think I still would have had trouble throwing them out.

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  24. Amy - we've got your back. Anytime you need us - we'll be here.

    Your children are with you, always.

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  25. Many hugs. Stay strong and know that we are all here for you. Kate and Peter couldn't have a better momma.

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  26. You hit a wall, and that is okay. Hit it, bang it with your head, your fist, kick it, whatever it takes, but you were made to climb over it! You can do this...praying for you and thinking of you.

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  27. I know you miss your babies, Amy. I think many of us wish we could erase what happened. You'll never be alone, though. There will be days that will feel empty, but your Kate and your Peter are with you forever. Sometimes you'll feel them; sometimes you won't. I really admire you and your ability to think and feel beyond your immediate situation. You and your children are really inspiring. I wish I could say more to make you feel better.

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  28. Your words bring tears to my eyes. Love and hugs to you.

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  29. My heart goes out to you... grief is such a hard thing to deal with and impossible to put into words sometimes... you are truly an inspiration to me to face my own grief head on after 7 years...

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  30. Big hugs to you, Amy.

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  31. Wow. Aching. Who knows - maybe it'll never feel better. Maybe you'll just get better at feeling and remembering other things also, the good things. I don't know.

    Thank you for sharing. Big hugs.

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  32. Our prayers are with you. Your children are safe with God in heaven.

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  33. Hi there,

    I just found your blog. You're strength is amazing. Your kids are there with you. Keep being strong.

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  34. @JanePitt sent me here before bed tonight. My heart aches for you on this difficult day. You, Kate & Peter will all be in my bedtime prayers tonight. May God bring your heart peace. *hugs*

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  35. Keep on trying, honey. We all want the best for you, especially when you're feeling lowest. You're not alone.

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  36. So, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  37. Things always get worse before they get better. Just read your story & my heart sincerely goes out to you. I lost my mother when I was young, but losing a child is something that no one should go through. I also 100% believe you when you say you can hear them or get signs from them such as the text message. Sometimes there just aren't logical explanations for things, but we know them to be true. Your children are definitely still with you. The missing might never get easier, but I hope in time you are able to find some peace. I will say a prayer for you and your children tonight and ask my mom if she wouldn't mind looking out for two small angels. :)

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  38. I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling - so I have no place to say that things will get better . . . because I know there is a great possibility that you will never stop feeling this way about what happened to them. I spent some time reading your past posts this evening and I think that the messages your children send you are amazing. If nothing else can - they will continue to help you get through this.

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  39. Don't know what to say but had to say something. Keep writing - it seems good for you to do. Sending hugs and wishing you peace.

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  40. Amy, I've never commented, but I've been following you - Ginny at That's Church sent me your way. I admire your strength in carrying on without your beautiful Peter and Kate. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Much love and prayers to you tonight.

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  41. have you read the Alice Munro story Dimension? your post reminded me a lot of that story, you should check it out... http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/06/05/060605fi_fiction

    hang in there.

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  42. You are SO loved. You are supported. You are heard. We aren't going anywhere.

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  43. Amy,
    I stumbled upon your blog one day and was immediately captivated with your strength to be able to write as you have. I read you past posts, I can only begin to imagine the pain, turmoil you go thru on a daily basis. You amaze me with your strength, please know that you have added another source of love and prayer.

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  44. Amy sending virtual hugs. You are a very strong woman. Hope today is a good day.

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  45. I can't tell you how many times I start to post a comment, delete it, type again, delete. I guess I'm searching for the perfect words to help you through. Something that makes sense or gives great comfort, but what? I don't know what to say except for it's complete bullshit that you're going through this and I'm sorry. Every day I think of you, Kate and Peter and I'm sorry. Every day that I read your blog I'm humbled, amazed and I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing and please know that there are so many people out there who include you Kate and Peter in their thoughts and prayers each day. I wish there was something more or better I could think of to say...

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  46. I think about you often, and I am always amazed at the strength you have shown and continue to show. I pray for you that each day may be a little better than the last.

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  47. Willing you strength and sending you love...

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  48. We do all pray for you and your two angels. Everyone who reads here believes in you, and I hope that you feel the love and support. Even though yesterday sucked and today probably does too, I hope it's a tiny bit better because you know people care about what you're going through.

    Suzanne M

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  49. :/
    Just know that you have so many people who are thinking od of you and praying for you. Don't want to offer any cliche words of comfort, but you are STRONGER THAN YOU THINK OR REALIZE.
    :)

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  50. I, too, wish I had the perfect words. But you do have my prayers.

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  51. I know there are no words that will soothe that pain & that hurt, but maybe itll help just to know that there are people out there that read your words, empathise with your pain and would take a portion of it from you if it would make your burden easier to carry. Although support wont bring them back, I can only hope that it will help you live happily in the memories you will have forever and let you find peace in knowing that in their short time they were loved so fiercely and so perfectly and brought so much to your existence that you are a better & stronger person because of it. They watch over you now and love you just as much as they did when you could touch them. You are a strong & incredible woman and you will get through this too.

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  52. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. You have my prayers for strength and for understanding from others. The idea of a linear set of grieving stages is so untrue - don't feel like anything is wrong if you fluctuate between them. Sending virtual hugs your way.

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  53. A friend of mine from HS lost her daughter last year to SIDS and yesterday would have been her 1st birthday. My heart breaks for both of you. I can't even imagine. You're stronger than you may think you are. Praying for you. Hugs!

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  54. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any words of wisdom but I hope it helps a little that so many are keeping you in their thoughts.

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  55. Amy,
    Just the fact that you can bear to write the words helps, although it may not seem so now.
    You know, if you were to wear a nametag or something recognizable next time you're out and about, I bet you'd get unsolicited hugs from dozens of people who read your posts and feel in some small way your pain. (Without some way to positively identify you, fear of arrest would stop most of us from hugging a stranger) Just sayin' - more people think about you/send prayers than you can probably imagine.

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  56. Someone quoted Barbara Kingsolver, who wrote "Morning always comes." Sometimes that is the LAST reminder you want, that this is just going to keep going on and on because morning always comes. I don't mean to be negative, just saying I know what that feels like. I recommend two things: (1) antidepressants, if you aren't on them, and (2) putting a local suicide hotline in your cell just in case you feel wretched and there's nobody else around.

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  57. Hey Amy,
    You don't know me at all whatsoever, but I found this blog by way of Ginny of That's Church. Truth be told, I don't know Ginny either. LOL.

    But I have known my fair share of grief unfortunately, and I know you're not looking for salves or encouragement or whatever, but I've found Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart" to be really helpful in my own grief. Maybe it'd be something to check out if you haven't yet.

    Most important tidbit of this message though is that I wish you peace. Big, juicy, thriving peace.

    Take care,
    Riley

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  58. It's amazing that I have never met you, but my heart breaks for you, I cry for you, and I so badly wish I could do something to bring you some peace.

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  59. You're right. All of this just sucks. Nothing changes that. It will always suck. But my hope for you is that the the days that lie ahead will suck less over time. Just breathe.

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  60. Amy, your strength and courage really always amaze me. There isn't much that any of us could say - there is certainly no magic pill that will make your pain go away... but just know that so many of us are thinking of you and praying for you! You are always in my thoughts. And Pete and Kate must be so proud to have you as their mother.

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  61. Amy, I've been following your blog for a few months and have been so deeply touched by your story. It's so hard to find the words, but please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you all the time. Your children are beautiful, and although it is unbearble to live without them, they were right when they told you that our lives are just a blip compared to the eternity you will spend with them. Sending much love your way.

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  62. Like so many others, Amy, I don't know you, but I just wanted to comment and tell you to hang in there, and that I am thinking of you. As a mother of two myself, I can only pretend to imagine what you are feeling, but I am waiting to reacd more from you if you want to write it. People care about you.

    Kathy

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  63. Can't imagine your pain. What I can imagine is the breadth and depth of the love you had for your children, Kate & Peter. My faith tells me the kids are safe and in a far better place. Be comforted that they do not want their mommy to be sad. Try to find the strength to do something for yourself today. Keeping you in our prayers.

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  64. I don't know if you will find any comfort in this quote but it has helped me through difficult times...

    “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart;
    and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” — Kahlil Gibran

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  65. I am so sorry for your loss. I have suffered loss, not as great as yours...
    but you are right..it does come in waves. I hope that you will someday soon have that sense of well being feeling that comes from connecting with our loved people who have passed. The feeling doesn't last long, but it is sometimes enough to get us through until the next time we need it. I heard it said that we are all on a spiritual journey and this life is our human experience. Your children are the most important part of your human experience but someday the sun will shine for you again, in a different way. I think you are very strong.

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  66. Amy, thinking of you always... Keep writing, keep allowing yourself to feel all of the emotions you are feeling. Take special care.

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  67. Here's a virtual hug. I wish I could do more. I'm so sorry. I also have been reading for awhile b/c of That's Church, and I think of you and your kids often.

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  68. Thinking of you so much lately. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you weather this time. Whenever I think of you I imagine love and care pouring out of my heart and finding its way to you. Like the Care Bear Stare...sort of. You don't know me and I don't know you but you have made such an impact on me. May peace be with you.

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  69. Like so many others have said, I wish there was something that I could do to take away your pain or at least minimize it just a little.

    If it helps at all, your blog has helped me to reach out to a girl I know who lost her son to let her know I thought he was a special young man. I was afraid to do that before.

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  70. Keep going, for them, just for them. They didn't want to leave you, they didn't, they never will. So go on, with them, go on Amy.

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  71. Aching for you. We are here for you.

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