in the midst of my day i feel ok. i'm distracted, busy, with friends. never still, always somewhere. suddenly reality barges in and i can't breathe. someone kicked me in the chest, hard. i try to inhale, to find my breath, but the air has been sucked out of the room, the atmosphere has evaporated. where is my breath? it's the one thing that's always with me, always present, but it's gone. i start to cry because i miss them and know i can't hold them - that i'll never, ever, ever be able to touch them again. it's not fair! things like this don't happen! i don't accept this, dammit!! if i refuse, maybe it won't be true. the lump in my throat chokes me and i wish it would all just end, that i could close my eyes and be done. can this please be over?!!
then, slowly, my breath returns. i feel the air around me. unwillingly, i'm compelled to go on.