Saturday, August 29, 2009

no air

in the midst of my day i feel ok. i'm distracted, busy, with friends. never still, always somewhere. suddenly reality barges in and i can't breathe. someone kicked me in the chest, hard. i try to inhale, to find my breath, but the air has been sucked out of the room, the atmosphere has evaporated. where is my breath? it's the one thing that's always with me, always present, but it's gone. i start to cry because i miss them and know i can't hold them - that i'll never, ever, ever be able to touch them again. it's not fair! things like this don't happen! i don't accept this, dammit!! if i refuse, maybe it won't be true. the lump in my throat chokes me and i wish it would all just end, that i could close my eyes and be done. can this please be over?!!

then, slowly, my breath returns. i feel the air around me. unwillingly, i'm compelled to go on.


  1. Amy-you must go on, for Peter and Kate, and for all of us that love you so....(is there a reason this posting is in wingdings and needs decrypting?:) i think of you so very often, knowing that the days must only get harder as they slip by. know that i'm here for you. it was so great to see you several weeks ago, talk to you very soon.. -Sarah

  2. Sarah,
    Thank you for your understanding and encouragement...I know I need to go on and I will. I was just trying to put into words how it feels when it really hits me. Somehow getting it out of my head seems to be helpful.

    As for the wingdings, that's weird. It's not like that on my computer and certainly wasn't intentional. I'll have to figure that one out.

  3. I liked the wingdings... It was like a scavenger hunt to try & figure out what you were saying.
    Thinking about you just about every moment of every day :),
    Lisa Mahoney-Wearne