Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Is this really real?

This is the first thought that enters my brain each morning when I wake up...and yes, it is 11:00am and I just woke up. I think 'did this really happen?' which usually leads to the more disturbing 'did Kate and Peter ever really exist?'. Then I look over at their pictures on my dresser and think 'yep, they were real...I didn't make them up'.

I usually lay in bed for awhile pondering the enormity of everything. I get very confused when I think, 'I have pictures of them, their clothes are here, their toys are here so they should be here too!' I can't accept that they're gone.

And then the downward spiral of thoughts begins: how do people just die...they were really young and healthy and they just hard did they have to hit their heads for it to kill them...did they know what was coming....were they scared...were they in could their dad let this could the universe or God let this happen? This thought process typically concludes with the question 'why' (which in my head sounds more like 'WHY WHY WHY?!!!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHY!!!!!!') followed by the extremely unproductive and somewhat haunting 'what if'...

Now I need to get myself out of bed and attempt to have a somewhat productive day. Ugh.


  1. As much as I wish I could answer your question, I wish I could bring them back to you even more.

  2. I saw your kids at church sometimes and they were so beautiful! I just lost my husband at a relatively young age and I can echo so many of the feelings you have expressed. Sometimes I just wait for God to realize he made a mistake and know he will find a way to bring my husband back. Perhaps these thoughts are not born from a rational perspective but each morning when I awake, I pary that today will be the day that it happens anyway. Even though I don't know you, I think of you often and pray.