Monday, February 7, 2011

My sincere apologies...

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am, in fact, still here and I haven't made any decisions to discontinue my blog. I'm sorry I haven't blogged in forever. I know everyone worries when I don't write and I feel very badly about that, but the truth is that I've been a mess lately and I didn't want to write anything that would make people worry more.

I keep thinking that the more time that passes, the easier it gets, right? Unfortunately that hasn't been my experience at all. I don't know why it keeps getting worse, but it does. I just really, really miss them and can't figure out the purpose of my life without them. I mean, I'm a mom without any kids. That kinda makes me, well, nothing - or at least that's how it feels.

I promise that as soon as I feel the slightest bit of positivity creep back into my existence I will blog again. Thank you all for you comments, messages and words of concern. Someday things will be better.
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19 comments:

  1. KatieFebruary 7, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    Oh girlie.... I cannot even fathom how hard these past couple of years have been for you... You know, as much as people say it will get better, I am sure that it never gets totally better. How could it, shy of you losing your memory and having no recollection of your sweet children? But I know you would never want to forget them. To the contrary, I am sure you fight every day to remember every little part of them. I lost a baby before it was born, and that was hard enough for me. I cannot ever begin to imagine the reality of losing a child. You have gotten through this with such grace and beauty and have shared your journey. I thank you so much for that. You remind me every day to cherish every little thing...

    I have missed your posts, for sure... but it is okay if you can't write for a while. Just know we are ALL here for you when you decide to start posting again.

    Sending much love!

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 7, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    Amy,
    Thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
    Dawn

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  3. AnonymousFebruary 7, 2011 at 2:57 PM

    Amy, I just recently found your blog so am not up to date on how you've handled your grief. I would encourage you to go to counseling or find a support group if you have not already done this. Even if you have gone in the past, go again because you are in a different phase of grieving now. I lost twins a number of years ago (under different circumstances than your loss.)The counseling and a support group were two resources that helped me to heal. It wasn't easy, I didn't want to go but somehow I did and eventually things got better. I also have learned that God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He does promise to walk with us through it. I hope you are not walking alone.
    Much love from another grieving Mom

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  4. ChristineFebruary 7, 2011 at 11:08 PM

    Amy,

    I do not know you but have followed your story since I heard about it when it first happened. (I am a friend of Peggys) I have the KPP bumper sticker on my bedroom mirror and think of you and your babies often and pray that you are ok, which of course, you are not. No one would be.

    Of course you miss those beautiful babies of yours. I cannot imagine the grief you feel. Please know that there are so many people thinking about you and sending prayers your way-While you will never heal completely, that you can find some measure of peace as time goes on.

    Sending love and support.

    Christine

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  5. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 8:59 AM

    Thanks for letting us know why you haven't blogged. I hope you find comfort in knowing that so many people who don't know you are concerned about you and wonder how you're doing. Hang in there.

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  6. SherriFebruary 8, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    Glad to hear from you :-) - and.... mostly glad to hear that you are hanging in there. Write when you feel like writing. btw. I'm sending you good thoughts today - trying to be supportive from afar. I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. This is not an easy journey that you're on; I hope and pray that it gets easier for you very soon. I, like others, think of you and your sweeties often.

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  7. FacieFebruary 8, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    Amy, have you given any thought to doing volunteer work (maybe you already are)? I know it will not take away the pain, but perhaps it can lessen it, at least while you are helping others. I am certain you have a lot to give, and maybe, just maybe, it would help a little.

    I truly wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain. I know we all do. Keep swimming.

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  8. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    Amy, I am still new to your blog and I cannot imagine the pain you feel daily. But I know from personal experience about grief and loss. I wish I could say it goes gets better but honestly you just find better coping mechanisms and when in doubt think of your beautiful kids and get strength from them. Think of something funny or a great memory that can't make you cry tears of sadness, only tears of happiness. I wish you lots of luck on your journey

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  9. heather lFebruary 8, 2011 at 1:17 PM

    Your opening says, "It may not be pretty, but it's honest". The blog is for you, not us. We just check in to see if you are there and know you will be when the time is right. I just wish there was something magical to say that would give you the gift of holding them. Losing Peter and Kate transcends the grief that any of us will experience in our lives. Maybe by not being with "us" here in blog land, it gives you time to be with them...I don't know. I will pray for that rare winter sunny day with a temp over 40, just to bring some hope.

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  10. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    Amy, you're way more than just a mom. You're a wife, (a newlywed for that matter), a student, a community activist, a budding chef, and most of all a survivor. I know it's not as easy as saying move on, but in a sense that's what you need to do. Focus on what's good in your life and what's working for you now. Keep talking about it, either with close friends or in a more formal therapy group. Find other ways to express who you are. It won't be easy, but it is necessary. These feelings will never go away, but they can become manageable, and you can live a good life again.

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  11. BeckyFebruary 8, 2011 at 8:17 PM

    I am so sorry to hear that you have been having a really bad time lately. In my experince these feelings come and go. I am five years down the line and things are easier, although just as physically painful to think about. It gets easier to function. I agree with the comment before to go and see a councilor again if you're not, because of the different stages in grief. I have also leart to just feel it, and not analyse it, it makes it ever so slightly easier if that's even possible...Please never think you have no purpose, you will see your 2 beautiful kids again one day and you will be able to tell them everything you have done since you last saw them, and share all of lifes experiences with them, that alone is a purpose.

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  12. AnonymousFebruary 9, 2011 at 2:19 PM

    So sorry. I agree with the other posters that professional counseling might be helpful (not just support group stuff). You have to find a way to give yourself permission to live & enjoy your life (while always carrying your precious children in your heart).

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  13. ShariFebruary 9, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    Thinking of you and praying for peace for you.
    (((HUGS))

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  14. AnonymousFebruary 10, 2011 at 4:07 PM

    Always praying for you.

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  15. AdrianaFebruary 10, 2011 at 9:54 PM

    I'm always thinking of you !
    In your deep sorrow remember that there are always many of us are sending loving thoughts...

    With deep compassion...
    May the blessings be dear Amy!

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  16. UnknownFebruary 11, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    Don't try and take it one day at a time. That's too much. Try one breath. I've found that to be manageable on my darkest days. In and out, friend, in and out.

    Sending prayers!

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  17. AnonymousFebruary 12, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I'm a mother of two - who some days really didn't appreciate what I had -- until I found your blog and now - every day, no matter how frustrated I get or how burdened I feel...I NEVER let it be because of my children. I am so lucky I get to see them, hug them, kiss them, listen to them whine, fight with them...and it's because of you and your experience that my eyes are open and now the only time I cry because of them is when I even try to fathom life without them. You are making a difference in sharing your story, and not just for those who have lost their children. Blessings to you.

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  18. dotalotFebruary 12, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    hi amy, i'm anne and lost my son harvey a year ago now, losing a child is definitely the worst thing that can happen to anyone, i always thought things would get easier over time too but i found the more time you spend without your little ones the harder it gets. how could it not? parents with children say how much they miss their kids when they've been away for a weekend at the grandparents ..... try stretching that missing them feeling out for a lifetime. don't be hard on yourself and blog to get it out, you don't need to only write when your feeling strong, we are here to help you through, take the support of this community, some of us really understand and get more support from each other online than we do from our friends and family in real life. sending loads of love xxx

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  19. gaby sanFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:29 AM

    I think of you often!
    and like a mom above said, you've helped me appreciate every moment with my son. thank you for that.
    warm and golden sunrays for you.

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