Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Can someone please turn off my brain?!

It's driving me crazy!!

Lately I've been a little obsessed with the accident. Obsessed in a really bad way. Obsessed in that I seriously can't stop thinking about it.

Most of the time it begins when I'm driving on a highway. I'm driving along, singing some Gaga and it hits me. I look at how fast I'm going, I look at the side of the road and I start imagining what the accident was like for Kate and Peter. And then I freak out.

I start crying and apologizing to them and praying to someone that they didn't suffer. I go over it and over it, and each time it seems worse. I think, "I NEED to know that they were ok - that it was quick and they didn't feel anything or that they were unaware of what was going on". Then I think, "THEY WEREN'T OK, OBVIOUSLY - THEY DIED, YOU STUPID MORON!!!!"

And then I lay in bed at night and it starts all over again. Or I wake up in the middle of the night. I don't know how to stop it and I know it's not helping anyone.

It's not like I can go back and fix it, though that's what I think my brain is trying to figure out a way to do. It's not like I'll ever figure it out either. So why can't I stop?



  1. You are / were / always will be a fantastic mother to them - giving, attentive, fun, loving. I love looking at the photos you post of them because it is so apparent that you gave them such a great life, and they always looked so happy. You were a vigilant protector for them, like all parents strive to be. There are some things, however, that we can't even protect ourselves from, as you know. You couldn't see that accident coming and neither could they. Kids also do not know danger like we do. I mean how many times do we have to ask them, "do you realize how dangerous that was?" when they do something that scares the bejesus out of us ;-)?!?!

    When I first heard about the accident, obviously, my heart just broke for you and your beauties, but... it does seem to me that it was quick. It does. And, like I said, I don't think they realized the danger like you or I or other adults would have. I do understand why you think about it, though. As always, I wish you peace, peace, peace on this snowy day. I don't know how to help you make it stop - this waking and worrying.... but I do think you are doing the right thing - surrounding yourself with positive energy - your new hubby - your baking - school - honoring your kids' memories in so many ways, etc. You have so much to give to this world. Keep swimming :-). I may never make sense, but I do think you'll find some peace in this full life of yours.

  2. Amy, are you still going to therapy? Maybe, if it isn't too difficult, find a support group or volunteer somewhere in the kid's memory? Driving seems to be a trigger and maybe for awhile you should avoid highways or find something to distract you when you start thinking those thoughts. We don't want you driving and having a panic attack because that puts you in an unsafe situation.

    Stay strong and KEEP writing! It's a great way to let it all out. I'm so proud of you.

  3. Hi Amy.

    My name is Jessica. I follow your blog from California, but you don't know me. I've left a comment or two before.

    It is so strange that you posted this today & I saw it this morning because I was thinking of you last night in the wee wee weeeeee hours of the morning. Actually, probably at the same time that you were writing this.

    It was 4am here & I had woken up & couldn't go back to sleep so I turned on the TV & decided to catch up on my DVR shows. I have a ton of Oprah. I don't know if you watch her or not, but I was watching this family's story & I instantly thought of you & wondered if you had heard of/seen them before.


    I don't know if this story helps or makes it worse, but I was so compelled to share it with you & alas, this morning, here you are. Our lives whisper to us all of the time. I was so moved by these people, as by you.

    Best Wishes,

  4. That really sucks, Amy. I can think of few things that would be worse. Hang in there, my old friend. Rachel and I are praying for you.

  5. Definitely DON'T avoid driving. I started having panic attacks while driving (for different reasons than you) and now it is next to impossible for me to drive on the highway. Every time I get on the highway, I have a panic attack now. It is crippling and I don't know how to overcome it.

    I cannot even begin to imagine the horror that goes through your head on a daily basis. It doesn't matter if the accident was two weeks ago or two years ago - those are your children - and you will always wonder about their last moments.

    Just know that many of us are praying for you... that one day, you can find some sort of peace...

  6. Amy,

    Have you looked into treatment for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? I think you may be suffering from it and there are ways to treat it that could help you.

    Also I believe it was in the book "Embraced by the Light" where a woman wrote about dying and then coming back to life. During the time while she was dead she was able to learn a lot about dying. And she found that in many cases, in traumatic accidents, the souls leave the body BEFORE the accident. So they suffer none of the trauma. And when you think of people who survive accidents yet can not remember any of the accident it adds support to this.

    I know you will never "know" that your kids were okay in the way that you want to. But do know that they are at peace RIGHT NOW!! The next time you go down this path try to stop and think "They are in peace and love and happiness right now"

    I think of you often.

  7. amy i was going to say post traumatic stress disorder too hon. it sounds exactly like what happened with me after harvey died and it can happen at any length of time after the event. different circumstances for both of us but the symptoms seem exactly the same. hope you can find someone to help you , sending love, anne xxx

  8. Amy,

    You do not know me but I found your blog through another blog I read. I have read some of your posts and I simply wanted to comment just to say I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful children Kate and Peter.

    Please take care. You are all in my thoughts and prayers tonight.