Tuesday, December 3, 2013

An update on the FUBAR situation...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my last post.  And before I get into that, I need to thank you all so much for continuing to comment and send your love, thoughts and prayers.  I'm amazed by your constant support, even when I write so infrequently.

My last post was honest and sincere and truly reflected where I was at that time, but it's so damn negative!  I hate being negative - even in this crazy life I live.  I know that in many ways I've been dealt a shitty hand, but I also know that I have so much to be grateful for and I've got no business moping around feeling sorry for myself.

Losing my kids was and is a horrible, terrible, unimaginable (even to me - still!) experience that I will never "get over".  It will forever be part of who I am.  But I don't want it to define me.  I want to make the most of the life I have left,  even though I can't be with them.

What I didn't realize before is how difficult it would be.  And not in the ways I imagined.  I miss them every minute of every day.  If I let myself think about them too long, I can become a sappy mess of blubbering sadness at any given moment.  But I don't.  It's not helpful.  When I'm home alone, I do allow myself to be sad, but when I'm at work or with my friends I hold it together pretty well.  My coworker jokingly calls me a "cold-hearted bitch" because he cries more often than I do when we talk about my kids.

Missing them is awful, and at certain moments and in specific situations it can be overwhelming.  But at this stage the hardest part for me to deal with is my utter loss of identity.  When my kids died, I was a stay-at-home mom.  Being Kate and Peter's mom was my full-time job and, really, my life.  Sure I did other things, spent time with friends, worked a part-time job, etc, etc. but if you asked me who I was I would have told you I was a mom.  Being instantly stripped of that identity and function as a human is what still has me dazed and confused.

At this moment, I'm not exactly sure where I fit in to this life.  I'm not like anyone else I know.  And I guess what's becoming most challenging is that I don't know who I want to be.  When I married Ken I thought we'd sort of start over and that I could re-create myself as I'd always wanted to be - a wife and mother.  Unfortunately, that didn't turn out the way I had hoped but I'm gradually learning to accept that.

So here I am.  My life is basically a blank slate.  I can do whatever I want (within reason) and be whoever I want to be.  But I haven't a clue of what or who that is.  And that is the hardest part.  It's scary and lonely, yet hopeful all at the same time.  And also scary.  Did I mention it's scary??  I'm scared.  Fo realz!

The good news is this:  I'm in a much better place today than I was a year ago or even six months ago.  Things have improved.  I have amazing friends who are always supportive, I have a great family and I have a job that I truly enjoy.  I have no idea where my life is going, but I'm hopeful that good things will happen or, instead,  that I will be able to create a life of purpose, fulfillment and joy.  I don't know what any of this will look like, but everyday I get out of bed and give it my best shot.  It's s sort of shot in the dark, but at least I'm trying.

Years ago, when Kate was two and Peter was 10 months old, I realized that my marriage to Steve was headed toward an inevitable end.  I was completely terrified.  I never thought I would be divorced, and the idea of being a single mother in a city where I knew almost no one was beyond frightening.  Someone gave me a little metal figure with an inscription on the back.   It reads, "When nothing is certain, everything is possible."  I'm holding onto that one.  I'm not certain about a damn thing, which means there must be a whole lot of possibilities!

21 comments:

  1. This post made me smile! Thanks for writing to us. :) I can't imagine how scary this all is for you, but I'm excited to see what your possibilities turn into. <3

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  2. I was so glad to see an update on FUBAR here. I think of your kids often - and not in a stalker kind of way - more of a - I just "met" you through the blogging world - was taken by your story - and... really feel that I met your kids through you and what others said about them. In my mind, they are the sweet, quirky, smart, interesting little ones that you had the pleasure of spending a short number of years on this earth with - and still feel, love, and will know forever. Part of your life story is so sad - yet, you're right - it's not all that you are. Through this blogosphere, I find you to be very interesting, funny, irreverent, talented, etc. But you know all that :).

    I am happy to hear that you are in a good spot in this journey. I, too, have lived many lives - single working mother, pampered suburbanite, frighteningly unemployed single mother, dancer, academic, corporate girl, etc. I spent the last 8 years or so entirely home with kids and now that they're all in school, I am lost too. I am in awe that you have a .... JOB :). So..... once again, you've inspired me to work harder to get out of my rut. You've come so far and been through so much. Anyway... just glad it's all better now.

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  3. Wait - not ALL better - but you know what I mean - getting much better...... glad to hear good news in your world :).

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  4. Hi Amy... Your last post was horrifying to me. This one is much better... it gives me little hope. I lost two of my children in a horrible way just over two months ago... I emailed you a couple of weeks ago... I am not sure if you received it or you just can't handle me... I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't but you are the only one that might be able to help me. Peter and Kate were beautiful... just as my Xander and Piper were... Please consider mailing me back. No one knows the pain I feel except for maybe you.

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    1. Carolyn, I'm so sorry to hear that you also lost your children. I do understand your pain and I would not wish it on anyone. I never received your email. Please try me again at callapitter46@yahoo.com. Sending you all the love and light I can.

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  5. I was thinking about you this week and wondering how you are doing. I'm so happy for you that things are on the upswing. Yes, anything is possible. Anything.

    HUGS

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  6. Like a lot of people who read your blog, I don't know you personally but I've been touched by your situation and hope, really hope for the best for you. You have been through nothing short of hell, and you deserve peace and happiness.

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  7. Thank you for the update. As always- hoping for peace and comfort for you.

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  8. Amy my prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been dealing with my own loss for a few years. I keep trying to move forward the way I know I have to and the way the people I lost would want me to but I keep getting lost in the memory of my identity. I understand what you mean when you explain that you feel like you lost your identity. In my profession I often tell people that hope is never lost but sometimes we need to adjust what we hope for as we pass through varying stages. I hope we can both find a way to to reorient our hopes as we find ourselves again:)

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  9. Amy, like so many others I come back every now and again to check on you. I am glad that for now, things are improving. not better, just improving. You have a legion of people across this country who pray for you, unbeknownst to you. You will never understand why your journey leads you to where it does. Perhaps it's as simple as seeing how awful this side of hell is and returning back from it, better, stronger. Whatever the case, I will continue to wish you joy and light and peace and memories that make you smile. May the good in the world continue to outweigh the bad. Keep going....

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  10. Thanks for the post, my old friend. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Love to talk again at some point.

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  11. People out here in this world are thinking of you, Amy. We want you to know that you are cared for and loved, and you and your children are close to our hearts.

    Peace.

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  12. Another random anonymous person in your universe who thinks about you and wishes you well.

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  13. Thinking of you.

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  14. Checking in... hope you're well.

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  15. From one mama to another:

    This stranger thinks of you and prays for you regularly. You are not forugotten. Hope to hear an update even if it's another FUBAR.

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  16. Just thinking about you today. I live in Colorado and check in on you frequently. I hope you have the best holiday season possible. Knowing that they will never ever be the same, but hopefully they can improve each year and you know that there are many of us praying for you and for your babies.

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  17. Amy, know that there are people who care deeply about you...

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