In my last post I believe I mentioned that I wasn't planning to blog regularly until I had something good to write about. I haven't written in over a year. So... as you might imagine, I don't have anything good to report.
Believe it or not, things are worse. I'm not sure how to begin, or what to say so I'll just put it out there. I'm single again. I have not had any more kids. I'm starting to lose hope of ever having a family.
I've been wanting to write for a long time, but for some reason I've been afraid to. I somehow feel that by typing these words and letting all of you know what's really going on, I'm admitting defeat. I also feel like writing about my life makes it more real. I wake up and live this life every day, but I still try to pretend that somehow, someday it's gonna get better. Maybe it's time to face the truth. I don't know.
I don't want to give up, I really don't. But I'm tired. Not "I need a vacation and a script for Ambien" tired. More like "I'm tired to the depths of my soul, I don't think I can continue swimming upstream anymore" tired.
I'm almost 40, my kids are dead, I'm single and I need to find a real job. I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Except I'm already grown up, and all I've ever wanted to be is a mom. That hasn't worked out so well. My life is truly fucked up beyond all recognition (FUBAR). What do I do now? Any suggestions would be appreciated. For real.
When I started this blog and wrote regularly, writing helped me get through the dark and scary times. After a couple of years, I thought things should have started getting better so it became harder and harder to admit that they weren't. That's why I stopped writing. Well, that and the fact that every time I updated my blog, my parents called me because they were afraid I was planning to off myself. (Listen, Mom and Dad - I'm not gonna off myself. Settle down now. I love you.)
I don't know why I thought things should get better. Maybe because that's how it works in the movies. Things get rough, the main character hits rock bottom, there's a music montage and everything starts to get better. I can't tell you how many times I've wished for a real-life music montage. As soon as I find the right song, a film crew and a good make-up artist who can make me look 10 years younger and 20 lbs. thinner I'm gonna get on that. Maybe that's the key to turning everything around.
I suppose there is some kind of lesson here. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie. There's no script (I wish there was so I'd always have something witty to say) and, sadly, there's no guarantee of a happy ending. I love a movie with a happy ending.
I also love books with happy endings. And I love memoirs. I love reading about people's lives and their struggles and how they overcome them. I especially love when I know things will work out in the end, so I can read the bad parts knowing that everything is going to be ok. This will sound strange, but I've often wished I could read my own memoir and find out how it ends. Maybe then I could relax for a change. Maybe I wouldn't lose hope.
The truth is, I can't give up. I still hope and pray and sorta believe that someday things will get better. Maybe someday I'll find some kind of happiness? Am I being stupid and naive? Sometimes I think so, but if I lose hope, then what do I have? Why the fuck would I get out of bed every day? There has to be some reason.
Maybe I can write my way through this and who knows... maybe someday I'll have something good to report. There's no telling. But don't feel like you have to keep reading. If and when things get good, I'll make a big announcement and you can go back and read the dark and scary parts knowing it's gonna get better. ;-) I really hope it gets better.