I know I said I was taking a break, but I felt this was important enough to document - not just so I could share it, but also so I'll remember it. Let me also preface this post by saying that if you don't already think I'm crazy, you may soon. Oh well...there are worse things in life than being crazy.
So Friday night I was driving down my street when a bunny ran out in front of me. I had no time at all to slow down or swerve so I ran over the bunny. This was extremely upsetting. So upsetting, in fact, that even though this occurred on my street two full days ago I have now found two other ways to get out of my neighborhood without driving past the scene of this tragedy. I just don't do well with dead animals. In my almost 20 years of driving I have only hit one other rabbit and one raccoon, and cried profusely after both incidents.
So Friday night I was driving down my street when a bunny ran out in front of me. I had no time at all to slow down or swerve so I ran over the bunny. This was extremely upsetting. So upsetting, in fact, that even though this occurred on my street two full days ago I have now found two other ways to get out of my neighborhood without driving past the scene of this tragedy. I just don't do well with dead animals. In my almost 20 years of driving I have only hit one other rabbit and one raccoon, and cried profusely after both incidents.
Hitting this rabbit Friday night really set me off. First I was just sad about the rabbit, but then I started thinking about how lucky the rabbit was because it didn't have to be here anymore and would maybe get to go be where my kids are. (I told you that you were gonna think I was crazy...and I haven't even gotten to the crazy part yet.) That started me on this whole life and death thing, then one thing led to another and, before long, I was wishing I could go the way of the rabbit so I could be with my kids again. (I swear I am not suicidal, I'm just sayin.)
This is where the crazy comes in: as soon as I thought that - you know, the whole wishing I was dead so I could be with my kids thing - I felt Peter say to me, "You don't understand, Mama. It's not like we're in a different place than you. It's just a different sort of reality. We're right here, you just don't see us."
My reply to him was, "No kidding, I don't understand! I need you to help me understand!! I WANT to be able to see you and know you're right here, but I can't!"
Peter then said, "Well... it's sorta like Mario Kart. Ya' know how when we used to play Mario Kart all the time we were characters in the game, driving inside the TV, but we were actually still in the living room? Life on Earth is kinda like that. Even though you're 'in the game' you're still with us, here."
This completely confused me because I don't understand where "here" is or what he could have meant by that. I then felt like Peter could sense my confusion so he said, "You have to unlearn everything you know about reality". And that was that.
I'm telling you, I am not making this up. I know these thoughts did not originate in my brain. Even though I didn't audibly hear Peter, I felt him and I know he said these things to me.
So now I'm trying to figure out how to unlearn things. None of this makes much sense to me now but maybe someday it will. If anyone has any thoughts, aside from an evaluation of my mental state, I'd love to hear them.
On a side note, Peter and I loved to play Mario Kart together. He got a Wii for his 4th birthday and we spent many late nights playing that game during the summer of 2008. He was really good at it and together we finished the game pretty quickly. I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but one night after he and Kate went to bed I played for a couple of hours by myself. After unlocking some cool new boards I actually went into his room at 11:30pm and woke him up because I wanted to show him. He happily got up and played for another hour before going back to bed. Can't believe I did that, but, hey, it was summer. We could sleep in.
It's been a very long time since I've "heard" from either Peter or Kate, so that in and of itself was a good thing. I have a few preliminary theories on what he could have meant, but nothing I can put into words just yet. If I figure anything out I'll be sure to let you know...if you're still reading.
I am still reading and for sure many others as well.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say from my own experience is:
TRUST YOURSELF!
That sounds like an easy advice, but if you experience things other people would call "crazy" or question your mental state it is not easy. But really - trust yourself and what you sense, hear (in a weird kind of way but there is no other word invented for it yet), feel or just KNOW.
There is no way to make a clear definition of what reality is and what, but I am 100% sure that what "normally" is taken as reality is only a small part, only one out of many dimensions.
Trust yourself and do not place yourself in the crazy corner - you are not crazy.
Take care and enjoy your break!
Wow, Amy, I think this is absolutely AMAZING! I completely and 100% believe you and know that that was Peter talking to you. If someone wants to dismiss it by saying you are crazy, I feel bad for them. I have had my own run-ins with loved ones who have passed on to the beyond, so I know that it is quite possible to "hear" our loved ones. Whether it is actually audible, visual, or in our heads - it CAN happen and it is VERY REAL.
ReplyDeleteI love the Mario Kart metaphor. It sounds like Peter is so smart and knew exactly what his mama needed to hear.
Thank you for sharing. You are not crazy - not only little bit - you are simply getting in touch with your children. They ARE here with you.
You are NOT crazy! You are blessed to be open to "hearing" them.
ReplyDeleteSo glad I checked in, just in case you posted.
Take care,
Dawn
I'm a pretty regular reader, but I haven't commented. I felt like I should say something about this post as it struck home for me. A few weeks ago one of my best friends died. I was driving in the car a last week, listening to music, the windows down and I really just felt her there with me. She told me that it was okay...that she was in a good place and she was happy. It was amazing. I don't think you're crazy at all! I think everyone has these experiences...the difference is that you aren't afraid to write about them! I wish you many more experiences and talks with your children. I hope you find peace in their words. Take care!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me feel a little joyous for you.
ReplyDeleteI believe you, that it was him, and that you are intended to share this information. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteYou were definitely hearing him. The connection with the animal's death may have tuned you into this these different world. BTW, the look of pure joy on Peter's face playing Mario Cart is priceless! It brought a smile to my face. What a great photo to have in your collection. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMad Hatter: "Have I gone mad?"
ReplyDeleteAlice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers... But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
Alice In Wonderland
I just love your photos. What a sweet boy - and what a nice story you shared. I love that you got him up late night to play a game with you. What a cool mommy.
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy. I am happy for you and for the reassurance you felt recently. I was really wondering the other night - if maybe when people first pass, you feel them - then... you are intended to live life apart so they fade away a little. I haven't felt or heard anything lately - though very much did when my Dad was first gone - and when one of my friends was first gone.
Anyway, I'm glad you felt this. I'm glad it was so clear and reassuring for you.
We are Mario Kart fans in this house too :-).
I'm still reading!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is not crazy at all. I think it's crazy to think that there are few possibilities out there, and that people are gone when they're gone. THAT's crazy. We don't know what happens, but I think that love has no limitations. It will reach you wherever you are and in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. I believe that loved ones send messages through dreams. I believe that the lines are interlinked between realities. We pray to heal and we believe that we're heard sometimes through that direction, so why shouldn't it be the same in the opposite direction?
No matter where "here" or "there" is...Kate and Peter are with you. And they always will be. That is all that matters!! Have faith in that and you will never be "crazy."
ReplyDeleteStephanie from "The Club"
Amy...I definitely think that Peter told you that!! I had the chills as I was reading this and got choked up. I'm so glad he reached out to you! I love how it all ties together...with how the two of you loved that game(and like someone else said, I love that you woke him up that one summer night to play :). Wow. Thanks for sharing such a special moment.
ReplyDeletePeter is a Zen master who has posed an exquisitely beautiful and complicated koan (riddle) to you. You cannot reason to its meaning. In fact, if you turn from it, you may one day have a sudden illumination and realize what it means. There is no way you can will or cause this illumination on your own. Like Faith, it comes as a gift.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you understand the meaning of this paradox, you will also understand the passage in the Roman Mass,"Vita mutator, non tollitor"--life is changed, not taken away. And what Jesus meant when He said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you". There is no there, there is no here, it is all One.
And finally, keep in mind that there is no greater force in the universe than Love. Unconditional Love can bridge all chasms, can heal all wounds, can change the World.
You heard Peter and that's all that counts.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet memory about the Mario Kart late night game! Wow, this just brings up so many questions. So if they are still here with you, just a different reality, does that mean that they are always with their dad as well or if they are in one place, can they not be in another place at the same time. And if they do choose to go somewhere else, how do they travel. Very intriguing!
ReplyDeleteits 430am. woke up cant sleep. keep thinking of my daughter. its been 3 years. my other kids are having a terrible meltdown week. my son said i just realized 3 days ago mom that death is forever. she s not coming backmy other daughter is falling apart. my husband and i are barely hanging on. im glad they are here with me but it kills me not to be able to "fix" them. thats what moms do . this is way bigger than i can handle.
ReplyDeleteI have not "felt" my daughter for a while. Im trying so hard to keep busy. Maybe they are in a nother place close by but its not enough. Why why why does God do this. I miss her so much. I have to go to work in a few hours, Its going to be another shit day. Acting happy.
This is a comforting post to those of us that have also lost someone close, thank you for putting it into words. You may be interested in a book I read recently by John Edward, "Afterlife", I'm not sure I fully believe it, but the book gives you an interesting insight into connecting with those that have passed on. Basically what Peter said, they are not "here", but they are still with us and hear it when we talk to them. I dunno, I guess when you miss someone so damn much, it is comforting to think that maybe, just maybe, they are still here with us. I want to seek out a medium now to see if I might connect. We'll see, God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt it was Peter. Have you done any reading at all about pre-life planning. the concept of making soul agreements with others in your soul group to go through experiences together so your souls can learn from them? It makes so much sense to me...here is a link to a book. Sending much love to you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Journey-Souls-Studies-Between-Lives/dp/1567184855/ref=cm_lmf_tit_2
My husband just finished a year long fellowship in P'burgh and has moved back to Buffalo-all GREAT things! But, I feel so connected to your city that I keep bugging him, just a little about keeping his ties tight with UPMC, just in case. Love that city! Also, your post had another effect on me...and yes, still reading. I'm raising a three year old little boy and have this major stick up my ass regarding video games. But, damn, the look on that face says it all. We have a Wii and I'm getting him Mario Kart for Christmas. Gonna start taking the proverbial stick out of my butt. Thank you for being the mom I aspire to be-and writing about it!
ReplyDeleteNow, what is that they say about the mouths of babes? Unbelievable! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAmy you are not crazy-just lucky to be able to connect to your children. I think Peter meant something like this-when you play Mario Cart you are focused on the game and on yours and Peter's characters on the game. Lets say Peter's character suddenly disappeared on the game. You would start looking for him. Maybe he's up ahead, maybe he's behind...you get upset, what is the point of Mario Cart without Peter? Then you take a breath, focus and suddenly realize Peter is sitting right next to you in "real" life. Mario Cart wasn't "real". Well I think "real" life isn't real either. Its a game just like Mario Cart. If we could take a deep breath and focus we would see REAL life, "spiritual" life and we would see Peter and Kate sitting right next to us. Peter is with you, but just like you can't see his character on Mario Cart, you can't see his "character" in your living room, but you can FEEL him, KNOW him in the "true" plane. Amy you have a wonderful opportunity to be in the spiritual while also in the "real" world due to your connection with your children. You play this "Earth Game" for its real purpose of spreading love, not the purpose people give it of collecting the most coins, or winning the race. You used Mario Cart to connect with your son, so bring happiness into his life, not to "win". You are an amazing soul.
ReplyDeleteStill reading your journey and always thinking of you, Kate and Peter. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks I am grateful that you have moments when you can feel the presence of those sweet little souls that Kate and Peter had. Looking forward to reading more and congrats on your cooking accomplishments!
ReplyDeleteLiz
So glad you have that picture and that WONDERFUL memory of waking him up and having that special time with him. I don't know what his speaking to you means but if it pulled that memory out for you at that particular time when you needed it well then that may be enough for now...
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to hear another Mom say they played their kids games after bed and then woke the kiddo up to show a cool level they unlocked! I thought I was the only insane one who did that! At least one time I did that to Liam and he woke up, looked at me and said "Mother. It's bedtime. Go to sleep!" and I almost peed my pants laughing.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't think you've come near to hitting crazy yet. I don't think Kate and Peter would let you :) *hugs*
I also know how you feel about hitting an animal. I still remember hitting a bunny on the way to my rehearsal the night before my wedding almost 13 years ago. Now I end up giving my pet bunny an extra treat when I think of it and feel bad. Sort of an offering to the bunny god to apologize. (Now that one might be crazy there *lol*)
You are naturally struggling with why your beloved and beautiful children have left this life (as we know it). Perhaps their life purpose was to teach you about "reality," most specifically that our little world here isn't all there is. I have no doubt that your son's soul (far more wise and mature that he is released from his child body) can communicate with you. The great religious mystics of all faith traditions have had encounters with angels, saints and loved ones who have passed. Why wouldn't you, when you are so deeply connected to your kids at the soul level? And don't you think that your daughter might have known about your marriage to Ken not out of intuition but because she was already at some level aware accessing her knowledge at the soul level?
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this profound experience with your readers.
The day before my mother died, the doctors were preparing to send her home from the hospital because she was recovering from pneumonia. She had dementia and told the nurses she had seen her long-dead father, with a man she didn't know and a black cat, in her hospital room. They dismissed it as a symptom of her medication. The hospital aide told me that the "other man" had the same name as her own father, who had just died. And my black cat had just passed, as well. We all got a visit. And that night, she had a heart attack and never regained consciousness.