the dichotomy down under

I apologize for my recent prolonged lack of blogging. I've just returned to Pittsburgh after what may have been the most incredible trip of my life: three weeks traveling through three different parts of Australia. I spent time sunbathing on beautiful beaches and exploring picturesque mountains, interacting with exotic animals, eating at incredible restaurants and staying in some of the nicest accommodations I've ever seen - thanks, entirely, to my brother. For the first time ever I didn't get homesick while on vacation, in fact I didn't even want to come home. Though if I have to come home to somewhere, I'm glad I get to come home to Pittsburgh.

We started our trip in Sydney, where my brother lives. We saw the basic sights, like the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge, went shopping, biked through Olympic Park where the Olympics were held in 2000 and saw some of Sydney's finest beaches.

Bondi Beach is Sydney's most famous beach and the subject of the Australian hit TV show, "Bondi Rescue". Let me tell you - the lifeguards at this beach don't mess around. There are huge waves, strong rip currents and sharks to deal with. During both of the days I spent there I saw lifeguards dragging people out of the water. If you are swimming where you shouldn't be they will get on their megaphones and tell you to get your ass out of the dangerous areas. And if there's a shark in the area you will see a low flying helicopter tracking it and hear an air raid siren warning everyone to get out of the water. Pretty crazy, but cool. And it's a "topless optional" beach so in the midst of the hundreds of people and organized chaos there are boobs everywhere.

I caught a rainbow at Bondi (and yes, after taking the picture I noticed the two people laying on top of each other in the foreground - oh well, what can you do?):

From Sydney we flew to Tasmania, the southernmost state of Australia. Tasmania is a beautiful island with mountains and beaches, and of course, cute little Tasmanian devils.

Here are a couple of pictures from the top of Mt. Wellington, outside the city of Hobart:

Some views along the coast:

Some of the animals we saw:

From Tasmania we flew to Queensland, where the Great Barrier Reef lives. We went snorkeling around the reef and saw reef sharks and giant clams the size of Volkswagen beetles (unfortunately I didn't take pictures). We traveled through the rain forest and ate crocodile and kangaroo (kinda felt bad about that). What we didn't do was go to the beach and swim, for the following reasons:

From Queensland we headed back to Sydney where we spent the remainder of our trip. We went to a concert at the Opera House and climbed the Harbour Bridge, the largest steel structure in the Southern Hemisphere.

So. what can I say? The trip was amazing. I had the time of my life. But then there's the aforementioned dichotomy...

What I noticed was this - the more fun I had, the more sad I became. It makes absolutely no sense, really. Each day I thought,"my kids should be here, they would love this" and this giant pit of sorrow in the core of my existence grew. It got to the point where I wished it would just swallow me up and get it over with already. I would go snorkeling and climb bridges by day, then go back to my room and cry myself to sleep at night. And I'm still doing that fabulous thing where I wake up in the middle of the night panicking, not believing reality is real.

I'm not complaining, how can I complain after having such an amazing opportunity to see a beautiful part of the world? I'm just saying it like it is. I don't know if I will ever really be happy again. I mean, how can I be happy? My kids are dead.

I have to go on, so I will. One day at a time...often one breath at a time. I'm grateful to my brother for helping me have as much fun as possible in the moments when I wasn't overcome by sadness. And I'm thankful for all of the family and friends and blog readers who are here for me when I just can't deal with it anymore.