I wanted to quickly update you all and let you know I've been feeling a little better. I'm not sure exactly what changed, but wearing my Mr. Yuk stickers, carrying my princess wand and forcing myself to get up and moving has helped.
I've also started "managing" my overwhelmingly negative feelings in a way taught to me by my good friend, Kearsty, a few years ago. Back in the day (circa 2007) we were having a conversation in which we were sharing our woes and feeling sorry for ourselves and each other (I have no idea what exactly we were lamenting, though it was most likely related to men) when she shared with me something her mother had taught her.
Kearsty said that when she was having a rough time and began wallowing in self-pity her mom would tell her to take 5 minutes to feel sad, be angry, cry, scream, kick, punch, stomp her feet - to do whatever she needed to do to get it out. She encouraged me, "For 5 minutes, just feel everything you need to feel and feel sorry for yourself if you must. But when those 5 minutes are over, it's time to get on with it. Get up, get moving, get out of that space."
Honestly... it works. Please know that I'm not trying to minimize the intensity of grief, because it's huge and certainly not something you can get over in 5 minutes. But, for me at least, wallowing just isn't helpful. The feelings begin to snowball and eventually get so big that I can't find my way out of them. Feeling them in 5 minute increments is manageable.
If you've read this blog for a while you know that music is very powerful in eliciting my emotions. A couple weeks ago I discovered a song that captures much of what I've been feeling, and makes me cry - no, sob - every time I hear it. So what I've been doing lately is letting myself have that time: I listen to the song, cry and swear and kick and scream, and then I let it pass. I pull myself together and move forward. For a little while, until I need to do it again. Some days I only need to listen to it once, other days I listen to it 10 times.
It's helped. For now I can get through each day. I know many of you who read my blog are grieving too, and this time of year is especially hard. So here's the song. I can't promise you'll have the same experience with it, but give it a try. Listen to it, feel all of your feelings and then do your best to pull yourself together and move forward. Even if it's only for a little while.
I ranted on my blog today. I let it go. I am tired, and.... I said what I needed to say. Now I am done. Funny that I would read nearly the same advice on your post today, but... regarding grief. For me, the anger I feel and the grief I feel are related. I put up with mean people, and I have lost wonderful people. Makes me mad. You, however, are far more eloquent than I was :-). Glad you are feeling a little better.
ReplyDeleteIf you know someone who lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.~Elizabeth Edwards
ReplyDeleteMy problem is if I give myself 5 minutes to cry it out I end up with a red nose and tired eyes for the rest of the day. It is easy to say allergies in the spring & summer, but I can't come up with a good excuse for the winter. Right now I am tired of being sad, so I just have to tell myself that is enough for now. It is comforting to know there are other people who have the same feelings. I wish we all had our loved ones back, but I guess we have to go on. I hope you have a nice holiday season with your husband. Thanks for blogging.
ReplyDeleteGlad it's better. You deserve to take the steps that bring you comfort. Wishing you more of the same.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hauntingly beautiful, or rather beautifully haunting, song. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, especially this time of year.
Another beautiful catalyst for grief. Honestly, Sarah McLachlan's "Wintersong" has the same effect for me, too.
ReplyDeleteThe answer to their question is, unequivocally, yes. It is very much alive. You are proof of that.
ReplyDeleteThat is a beautiful song.
ReplyDeleteYou continue to amaze and inspire me. Thank you for all your honesty.
Dawn
I cannot access the song through your blog. Can you (or another reader) tell us the name and artist in these comments so that I can try to find it elsewhere online? Best.
ReplyDeleteIt's called "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson
ReplyDelete